Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's ok for a newborn to cry?

180 replies

Refluxsux · 12/12/2016 17:14

Baby is 7 weeks old and has silent reflux treated with Ranitidine. Late afternoon/early evening are his worst times which happen to coincide with the only time I get to be with my older son after school. I've been letting the older child watch wayyyy too much tv to get us through while I endlessly feed/jiggle/do squats/use white noise etc to try and settle the baby. If I persist with going up and down the stairs for about 20 minutes I can usually get him to nod off but it's killing my knees. So tonight I could tell he just needed to sleep so I popped him in the bouncy chair put the white noise on and let him scream for five minutes. I stayed with him and stroked his face (not that he noticed!) but I didn't pick him up. After five awful minutes I picked him up and gave him a cuddle and he fell asleep almost immediately and I could put him back in the bouncy chair. Am I being awful to him? I'm just so tired and my older child is so fed up. He almost seemed to need to scream for a few minutes before he could calm down or am I being dilusional?

OP posts:
happy2bhomely · 12/12/2016 21:29

I have had 5 babies. All of them have been practically attached to me from birth. Seriously, as in only put down for nappy changing and while I went to the toilet in the first 6 months and then co slept right up until they were 2 or 3.

They all cried like their hearts were breaking when I put them down, and settled as soon as I held them, so I held them. For their sake as well as mine because the crying had a real physical effect on me and made me feel ill.

I was convinced that all a crying baby needed was to be held. Because, you know, it had worked for all 5 of mine!

Then my sister had a baby that cried and cried. She said she had to put them down because the screaming drove her crazy. I told her all about the magic of a wrap and how she just needed to hold him. I went round to show her to do the wrap properly, because if it wasn't working she must be doing it wrong. (I know, I know, I was a dick!)

Well guess what. The baby was put in the wrap and he screamed and screamed and I paced and rocked and shushed etc, and he screamed for fucking hours.

He was a screamer right up until 3 years old and is still a bit of a screamer now that he's 5.

Moral of the story is that all children are different. Some babies cry more than others. Some babies are more demanding than others. Some for medical reasons and some just because.

Also, I learned the lesson, that as experienced as I was, when it came to someone else's baby I didn't have a clue. My sister knew best and learned that a quiet dark room and 10 minutes of screaming was the only thing that got him to sleep and saved her sanity.

Do what you have to do.

FKat2016 · 12/12/2016 21:30

I can't believe how narrow minded some people are being- I do not approve of controlled crying in the slightest but it's not like your baby randomly started crying and you thought 'fuck it', Your baby has digestive issues and cries relentlessly! You sat him down for 5 minutes, while you sat beside him and stroked him, that is not the same as leaving a baby alone in a room to cry for hours on end and you of course need to maintain your own sanity- that is extremely important.

Even if you were to leave the room for a couple of minutes I wouldn't judge you, sometimes we all need a moment to take a deep breath.

As an adult who has stomach issues which can cause painful heartburn and indigestion, day and night for weeks on end, I can safely say there are often times where NOTHING gives relief, if medication isn't working, there's basically nothing I or anyone else can do to ease the discomfort in terms of posture, position etc, it's quite possible your baby is no more or less comfortable whether he is being held or not, so there is no reason to feel guilty for putting him down for a few minutes.

I hope it gets better soon, I can appreciate the pain and discomfort your little one is in! I can also appreciate how incredibly hard it is for you to feel so helpless, you are obviously trying your absolute best. Especially difficult for people with more than one child to give love and attention to.

Good luck xx

Poppins27 · 12/12/2016 21:50

I'm sorry if his had been mentioned before, started reading but haven't read all of the posts. My heart goes out to you, it REALLY does, for what it's worth I don't believe for a second what you did was in any way neglectful.

But I just wanted to ask if here could be any other signs of a dairy intolerance. The only reason I suggest this is because a friend had a baby the same time as I had my lb, he was also diagnosed with silent reflux but she eliminated dairy and soy from her diet (breastfed) and it eased most symptoms almost immediately?!

Just a thought Smile

Poppins27 · 12/12/2016 21:54

Sorry, I have read back some more and seen you are already fairy and soy free!! Ignore me, you are doing a grand job!! There were plenty of times I had to just leave my lb screaming for 5 mins just to save my sanity. Whether it's right or wrong I HAD to. You stayed with your baby, continued comforting throughout. I just hope it eases up for you soon, genuinely!!

TheSconeOfStone · 12/12/2016 21:59

You're doing a great job. My DD got a how lot better and the pain almost vanished when she started having food but didn't stop puking until she learnt to walk at 15 months. I hope things improve for your baby soon.

Strawberrybonbons16 · 12/12/2016 22:14

Sometimes you need to put the baby down for the greater good and for your sanity. 5 minutes whilst you're still there and comforting isn't going to damage the child! My DD suffers with reflux, she's still sicky but a lot more content now she's having gaviscon which was started at 6 weeks old. She also loved the swinging chair on the highest setting, and screamed if we turned it down!! It's tiring and sometimes you need a break, do what's best for your family Smile

DailyFail1 · 12/12/2016 22:21

Gran always said the moment a baby's cry makes you angry you put it down and leave the room. She had the worst pnd (something we discovered later, back then it was the 'blues') and she's convinced it saved my dad's life. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do, as long as the baby's safe it's ok.

Refluxsux · 12/12/2016 22:34

I feel like it's making me hate breastfeeding. I'm just trapped on the sofa with this fussy screaming baby all day. He feeds nearly constantly between 5-11:30 with the exception of when DH takes him out for a scream down the street so I can get some peace. It just seems a shame. No tongue tie, latch is fine, making milk for England and it's miserable.

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 12/12/2016 22:36

Ok so if it's making you miserable then switch to formula. Take care of your mental health. It is as important as your physical health. Also formula is as good as breast milk, no need to feel guilty if it gives you a bit of peace. Flowers

DrWhy · 12/12/2016 22:39

I don't want to derail the OP's thread but do all the people who think leaving a baby to cry for 5 minutes is cruel have babies that love being in car seats? Or just not drive anywhere? My DS will randomly decide to scream in the car, especially if we are stuck in traffic and not moving. We live a 20 minute drive from pretty much everything and I've started turning down meet ups with NCT friends and so on because I'm afraid I'm harming him. He's rear facing so can't see me and I can't reach him to comfort him, I obviously talk and sing to him and make sure he's clean and fed before we get in the car but I've certainly been in a position where he's howled for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. It seems like if I take him out in the car I'm potentially doing much more harm than the OP but if I don't we are stuck pretty much on our own in the village.

anyname123 · 12/12/2016 22:42

OP have you read about purple crying? A friend told me about it, could be worth having a little look, I'm not 100% convinced but it made me feel a bit better about not being able to always settle my baby, and made me feel like I wasn't a completely shitty mother . Weve6come through the other side of the worst of the colic / purple crying at 8 weeks- hang in there Wine

DailyFail1 · 12/12/2016 22:47

drwhy Neice was like that so I taped a tablet where she could see it.

Alabastard · 12/12/2016 22:57

Reflux means comfort feeding OP. I'd go and ask for a med change. Lanzoprazole is so good for reflux - the dispersible tablets are great. Weaned DD off them last month and she's reflux free. It will get better!

Namejustfornappies · 12/12/2016 23:03

Cluster feeding for bloody hours of an evening is normal for some babies. All 3 of mine did that, two of which were colicky/refluxy with it. The cluster feeding will start diminishing from 7 or 8 weeks, and be gone by 12 or 14 :)

Namejustfornappies · 12/12/2016 23:05

DrWhy my dd1 hated the car seat as well, and I stopped going to anything unless really important as we were miles from.anywhere and she just screamed. And screamed. I still wonder if I basically CIO with her in the car, despite bedsharing etc the rest of the time. You just have to hope it balances out.

DixieNormas · 12/12/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 12/12/2016 23:16

DrWhy I often think the same when I read threads like this. DS very very rarely was left for a moment to cry uncomforted as a baby (a few mins if he kicked off when I was in the shower, little more), but spent hours of his life screaming his lungs out in the car seat.

Bubspub · 12/12/2016 23:16

Just sharing my experience here as DS had seriously horrible reflux for nearly 6 months, almost constant screaming during the daytime, inconsolable, absolutely hated cuddles, used to push me away and become even more upset. Tried a sling and he hated it, he screamed so loudly when I tried the ethnic wrap one that I got a doctor to check him because I thought I must have accidentally broke a bone by trying to squish him in (I hadn't, he was fine, he just really hated the closeness). When the crying is constant, there are sometimes you have to ignore it, I literally would have got nothing done ever or ever used the toilet! Actually for six months I never used the toilet without listening to him screaming (apart from when he was asleep). So please don't assume all babies love cuddles and slings because honestly they don't! It's a shock when there's no solution to stop your baby crying and you realise that sometimes you have no choice but to ignore them. You sound very patient and loving towards your baby OP. Sometimes the safest thing is to walk away and take deep breaths, the constant crying is extremely stressful and can make you feel like you're going mad I know x X

Bubspub · 12/12/2016 23:22

Happytobehomely I think you have a very well balanced view and totally agree with everything you say x

Claireshh · 12/12/2016 23:50

My friends baby Had silent reflux. It was so so awful,

Have you heard about the wedges you can get for the crib and car seat? I think the cot wedge was more successful than the car seat one. She also used a baby Bjorn baby bouncer chair. She set it to the highest setting which meant her baby was sitting more upright.

Ps I don't think you did anything wrong either!

layercake9 · 13/12/2016 00:04

I'm not a perfect mother and I have never left my baby to cry. Funnily enough, both my dc hardly cried and I'm sure it's because I never left them to cry! I picked them up as soon as they cry, did the usual pace up and down etc.

Ds1 was distressed for a few days until diagnosed lactose intolerance. So I stopped consuming dairy products altogether as was fully bf, and then wa-lah! No more crying!

CommaStop · 13/12/2016 00:08

It never fails to amaze me that those with the most compassion for the tiny baybees have so little compassion for the mothers. You did nothing whatsoever wrong OP, one of the difficult things about parenting as I'm sure you know from your older child but it can be difficult to remember through the fog of newborn-ness is that you can be there and do your best and comfort but you can't fix everything. Reflux is hard , my DD had it up to a year and I can remember sitting, rocking her while singing, tears rolling down my face trying to get her to feed because her distress was so distressing. You will find a balance of meds/diet/formula/wraps etc thanks works for you but in the meantime don't let anyone make you feel bad, you sat with your baby and comforted them in their distress as best you could.

FeralBeryl · 13/12/2016 00:23

Flowers OP,I'd give you wine but you're BFing
Firstly - you have done nothing wrong. Like the majority of posters I can't stress this enough.
It's bloody awful when you feel you can't be all you want for all of them at once isn't it Sad
Your elder DS will be fine, honestly. With or without the reflux, this is a period of adjustment for him, he'll come out the other side just fine.

Reflux wise - one of mine was a terrible 'snacker very early on, we finally realised that she was getting too much fore milk and not enough of the thicker heavier hind milk which made her reflux far worse, she couldn't be encouraged to stay on for long enough so I took to expressing for a while so she'd have a bigger feed in a bottle which seemed to improve things.
We also built a bit of a nest job on the couch (not unlike that baba cushion shizz) which we kept warm with hot water bottles - obviously not when she was on it. The warmth also calmed her tummy down lots alongside the drugs Wink
Movement helped too - so the other children got roped in to pushing the pram / crib back and forth so I could cook etc, this also made them feel Very Important.
You have my utmost sympathies - I know some on here don't like the saying but I do -
Remember, 'this too shall pass'

hollinhurst84 · 13/12/2016 00:31

Not as a baby (although I was a screamer then and someone called the NSPCC....) Blush
But when slightly older my parents used to read to me and try to settle me and I would scream blue murder. Continued until I could speak and managed to say I would read to myself! I hate being read to, I can't sleep with noise or any light at all. So the whole time they were trying to comfort me I just wanted to be left alone to sleep, must have been so tired and frustrated
Take it easy on yourself BrewCake

Bubbinsmakesthree · 13/12/2016 02:40

I'm not a perfect mother and I have never left my baby to cry. Funnily enough, both my dc hardly cried and I'm sure it's because I never left them to cry

Rubbish, you just struck lucky with babies that weren't criers. Do you think people here who report that their babies cried for 13 hours a day were 'doing it wrong' or leaving them to cry? No - they just had different babies.

It's as bad as people who give themselves credit for their babies sleeping through the night at 8 weeks: they just got lucky.

Yes there are always things you can do which help (or hinder), but the baby itself is the main factor.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.