I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

[timeforachangeofname]

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

Of all the things children can learn about in the playground 'Santa is/isn't real' is one of the most easy to deal with.

I can't remember telling any lies to my children Obviously you have to gloss over a few things and need to be age appropriate with any explanations, and there are some things that are best never mentioned at all .

I think the approach used by MarjorieSimpson, Wonderflonium and a few others is wonderfully healthy. You get the magic, the roleplay, the surprises, but you don't get the horrible shock a few years later when the whole thing turns out to be fiction after all.

Mind you, it's just as well my parents didn't try to convince me it was real as my mother woke me on more than one occasion by dropping a heavy stocking and cussing in a distinctly non-magical way (in a distinctly non-male voice)! "Rustle rustle blast" became a seasonal family joke. But we carried on doing stockings until we were 16, when I decided it was getting a bit silly, so my mother did me one last stocking with some of the trad stuff and some grown-up things like perfume and posh tights. DSis still does it for adults now if staying with other people for Christmas Eve.

It's fine to bring up your children without doing the FC thing. My friend had no choice - her eldest has ASD and was totally freaked out by the idea of some stranger getting into the house at night using magic. So no more Santa for him. The younger ones were just told that "Father Christmas doesn't visit all families and he doesn't visit us" which is what they've told their friends. Their Christmas is still perfectly magical without the fat man.

We did Father Christmas (but in a slightly half hearted way - put a mince pie out but no visits to grotto etc) and I told dc the truth the moment they asked for it - It was really important to me that they knew I'd be honest with them if they asked me to be (I have quite a few issues from my childhood about being lied to by my parents - big stuff., not the tooth fairy). I was quite relieved when they didn't believe tbh. Lots of things about Father Christmas don't sit right with me.

I think people angst about the whole thing way too much. Do it if you don't want to. No one minds and small children believe what they want to. If a child tells other kids there is no santa it's not the end of the world

No one is going to easily get through life with a small child without occasionally telling their child a white lie though and the idea that the santa lie is particularly awful is pretty overblown. It's a bit holier than thou TBH.

Ha! I was arguing with my 12 year old last week, when he accused me of lying to him. I looked all outraged and told him that I never lie, and he just gave me a look and said, Father Christmas?

Whoops!

These threads are indicative of self obsessed navel gazing and the need to 'declare' tedious, unimportant thoughts dressed up startling and insightful solutions to modern dilemmas.

I blame those bloody awful lifestyle where journalists have to come up with something to write about every week. Scuffling around desperately trying to think of a subject so they make issues out of non issues.

Like this one.

No one cares what you tell your non existent kids.
This doesn't matter.
It not a thing.

It doesn't make you stand out from the crowd because you are planning not to buy into big pharma's lie (big pharma are involved, right?) that Santa exist.

You are just putting yourself firmly into another, slightly more smug crowd.

Go ahead.
No one cares.

If an child is so traumatised/affected by a parent lying about Santa then their parents haven't raised them to be resilient enough! Pathetic!

Parent and child relationships are very complicated. In my case the death of a sibling affected my relationship with my mother from toddlerhood. So yes, finding out she'd lied and then being forced to continue the lie for a younger sibling (whilst being punished for any other lie) caused a rift. I know others with similar conflicts.

Was it deliberate? No. Did she think she was doing the right thing? Yes. Has it made me more careful about what I say and expect from my children? Absolutely.

Perhaps you aren't aware that not everyone is the same? We non-Santa parents don't have superpowers. What is it that you're so frightened of?

If an child is so traumatised/affected by a parent lying about Santa then their parents haven't raised them to be resilient enough! Pathetic!

Cheers, thanks for that.

Charley, there was no big revelation, I just realised and then felt incredibly stupid. It really did make me wonder about what else they had/would make up.

Nobody needs to do Santa/Father Christmas if they don't want to.

It's just a story. A make-believe game. Like when children pretend their dolls are real or they're having tea party for them as mentioned above.

I believe that less is more with these things, anyway. We avoided elaborate rituals and making up convoluted stuff about deliveries.

We told the story, talked about the myth of St Nicholas and stockings appeared on the foot of their beds each Christmas morning. How they got there wasn't discussed and they didn't ask. And I do think it was a magical experience for the children when they were small. But families and children are all different so what works for one won't be right for another.

We never said to our children 'Father Christmas is real'. Part of the 'magic' was that nothing was confirmed or denied. They probably didn't actually believe much past 6 or so, if they ever did, but they enjoyed it for much longer.

ImYourMama

OP Do fuck off dear.

Very unpleasant.

You've not even conceived and you're deciding how you're going to do things with your future imaginary children!

Some people do actually put some thought into how to raise their children.

And you say Christmas can be 'magical' without santa... magic in itself isn't real either! Is it suddenly 'cool' not to allow children to join their peers in believing in something wholly innocent? Good god, your future spawn will grow up as social outsiders.

Get.a.grip.

In the Netherlands they have a state sponsored Sinterklaas (St Nicholas) myth...the arrival of the Sint on his boat from spain, with his horse and his servants (zwartepieten = black peters), is staged each year in a different part of the country, shown on national TV and there are news stories about the progress of the boat/antics of the Piets every day on childrens' TV. It's really fun.

(although for the last few years they have been having debates about whether the zwartepieten (traditionally slaves and played by white people with black face paint) are racist and should have multicoloured faces instead!)

My sister and I were raised never believing in Santa Claus. We were taught to respect that other kids are allowed to believe in what they like and it wasn't our business to disagree. So we never ruined/told other kids he wasn't real.

When I found out santa wasn't real I still pretended I believed because obviously nobody had told my parents and I didn't want to spoil it for them.

It's a natural part of growing up, the vast majority of kids don't think like we do or feel betrayed or whatever else.

It's a nice thing to believe in and personally not he sort of thing to stress about until they're actually in the world.

I've never raised them to believe in the santa weirdness. Unfortunately I found that grandparents (in laws) were determined to fill their heads with odd little stories etc.
I was raised without the whole someone brings you gifts if you're good thing (we exchanged gifts as part of the celebration of a god only one of my parents believed in because winter / new year gifts are thoughtful etc).
But they didn't "buy" into it much. They were brought up not to get all smart ass around other people's beliefs. I guess it extends to tge the santa scam.
Magic is within family time and cosying up ... not in a stack of gifts to me.

HeCantBeSerious

I don't know where you get the impression that I'm frightened from?

It was the death of a sibling (what a horrible thing ) that affected you, not finding out that Santa didn't exist.

I think the story/poem "The night before Christmas" could be helpful to you. We've loved reading this together especially on Christmas Eve.
I think it was where much of the story came from.
Then you can just say this is the special Christmas story about Santa and that some people believe in it more than others so we don't spoil it for them if they want to do that, but it's just a magical story for Christmas, about being kind to people.
Just tell them the story of St. Nicholas and where the story/traditions came from, and maybe how they're a bit different in every country.
Make it an interesting education including about story itself.
It won't be as difficult to navigate as you imagine once you have your family - you just do what feels right for you

The world is depressing enough. We always did Father Christmas and they've turned out fine. They knew we bought the presents but we spun it as Father Christmas not having the time to shop for everyone, so parents bought them and he wrapped and delivered them. They worked out on their own that he wasn't real and they've turned out fine.

Put it this way, this is the smallest of the lies you'll ever tell your children. As a parent you have to lie and tell them their artwork/singing etc is really good when it isn't, or that if they want to be an astronaut they absolutely can be, or that the Queen has spies who know if your room isn't tidy etc.

You'll also lie to them when goldfish/hamsters/other pets die and you replace them with a similar-looking one. Sometimes you just have to lie to kids and there's nothing wrong with that.

You'll also lie to them when goldfish/hamsters/other pets die and you replace them with a similar-looking one.

That is absolutely not compulsory.

It was the death of a sibling (what a horrible thing flowers) that affected you, not finding out that Santa didn't exist

Wrong.

I don't know why you would deny your child the magic of Christmas either. Like other posters have said the tooth fairy is lying too, as are fictional books and all left me in wonder as a child. The excitement of sneaking downstairs in the early hours and wondering if Santa had been.

You don't feel comfortable about lying to them about Father Christmas but presumably feel comfortable about denying them the magic associated with it for? There is a world of difference in not acknowledging Santa in some countries of the world but the UK/Australia/US? really?

I don't know why you would deny your child the magic of Christmas either.

Ffs. Christmas is still wonderful without Father Christmas.

I'm a bit uncomfortable outright lying about santa just cause I feel like a fraud and blush. And also I don't want to make up convoluted stories as I'll forget what I said and ds always remembers everything.

But I've found a way to say things like "where did these presents come from? Do you think santa brought them?" And to "is that the real santa?" I say "well you never know, maybe we should pretend he is just in case"
It might sound awkward to some people but to me being vague and turning the question back on ds is more natural and easy than making up stuff outright.

I don't have kids, but I like the idea of playing along with the Santa myth (the stocking, eating the mince pies) but refusing to confirm if he is real of not ("what do you think?") and just letting kids work it out for themselves, whilst allowing them to participate.

It keeps the fun aspects, allows the children to develop some rational thinking, and means that any 'lying' you do is part of a puzzle.

It keeps the fun aspects, allows the children to develop some rational thinking, and means that any 'lying' you do is part of a puzzle.

If you want them to develop rational thinking skills, there shouldn't be any lying involved or the logical conclusion they will come to is "Mummy can't be trusted to tell the truth". Non answering of Santa questions is fine, or telling them the story is...