I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

[timeforachangeofname]

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

Each to their own and I don't think one should criticise OP for how she wants to bring up her DC.

For me the magic of Santa was fantastic loved the whole idea of it - was quite upset when I realised the truth but not for one moment did I think my parents were bad for lying.

But How do you think your kids are going to be when nearly all their friends will be talking excitedly about him and they're having to sit there and say nothing ? Mmmm me thinks it will be nigh on impossible for a 4/5 yr old to keep quiet thus ruining it for others

Fortunately there are lots of great ideas on this thread for a middle way between telling your over-excited three-year-old that SANTA ISN'T REAL and armtwisting your 11--year-old to keep pretending that they believe by saying that if they don't believe they won't get any presents (I can't bear this approach, it's really dishonest and manipulative).

There are lots of ways of making Christmas exciting and 'magical' without majoring on Santa at every turn.

Gosh, what a load of righteous indignation on this thread. Do you get in the faces of parents from other religious traditions about fucking up Christmas for everyone by not making Santa real for their kids, too? Or do you live and let live in that case?

I feel the same way about tricking my kids. (I'm heavily pregnant right now so it's not a huge issue at the moment and I know plans will change in the face of reality!).

My plan is this: during December bring The Night Before Christmas into the reading book rotation and maybe some others. The Snowman might be good, for example. Children "get" that stories aren't real but they are no less exciting to the imagination even with that knowledge.

On the 24th, we can "play" Santa. So, we'll put out the milk/sherry, mince pie/risengrød and carrot etc. Then when the kid wakes up on the 25th, OMG the stuff was eaten and now there are presents in a sock?! CRAZY! Playing Santa is so much fun!

Mall Santas: Oh look that guy is Playing Santa over there, you wanna go Play Santa with him?

But as with all the other games you play with children, I won't insist it's really real. Playing "Mummies and Daddies" isn't less fun because you've not made the dolls set up a joint bank account, for example.

What makes things complicated in my house is the mixed heritage situation. Danish kids have different traditions, the gifts arrive on different days (one a day all December/each Sunday in advent and the big ones on the evening of the 24th but a big guy in a red suit usually drops them off) Nisser (elves) are also a big part of the season and I don't know much about them except they sound like a pain in the arse. Danish Grandma can take care of that, if she wants.

With the potential "spoiling it for the other kids" situation, I guess I'll tell my kid that some people really get into the game and like to go all in. Along with the other children who don't believe at all, goes to show: we're all different. And we don't force people to be just like us, we live and let live.

In summary: I'm going to make it into a game/story time combo and drop all the "omg you won't be getting presents if FC finds out what a shit you are" that seems to go with Advent.

The elf on the shelf is an odd one. I don't know anyone who has one that follows the 'the elf is monitoring your behaviour' line with it. It's a bit of fun.

You don't want and elf. Don't have one. You want one but don't want your kids feeling bullied into being good, change it.

And yes my kids do know I pay for their gifts. Of course they do. It explains why the 40 toys on my 5 years old list won't be arriving. It's certainly not to burden them with being grateful or make them feel like a burden. Tbh, I would expect them to be grateful. They are getting presents. That's called manners.

Christmas costs alot of money. I think it's good for kids aware of that. Again my dd is a well balanced happy 12 year old. It hasn't damaged her.

Everyone should do Christmas how they want.

Oh my word, why would you ruin what is a wonderful magical thing for kids?? Believing in Santa is wonderful. I think millions of people don't feel "lied to" by their parents... They realise it was for fun and to make Xmas special!
I think you're making this more about you than your kids to be honest, ....

We've never created the santa illusion for our kids, leaving it up to them to lead proceedings. DD (now 8) has never bothered with any of it. DS (now 6) is showing a little interest due to it being discussed shoved down his throat at school. If he wants to think that his stuff has been delivered by santa then that's fine. It's not us telling him something is real that he will later find out isn't.

I have lots of friends that do the same it's only random strangers and mumsnet that seem to have a major issue with it. It would feel like lying to both DH and I, so we don't. When asked, as with religion, we adopt a "some people believe, what do you believe?" approach. (Ditto tooth fairy etc.). Both kids have brilliant imaginations and our winter celebrations are no less magical for not indulging the santa myth.

I think millions of people don't feel "lied to" by their parents... They realise it was for fun and to make Xmas special!

Christmas can magical and special whether or not you do Santa. You're presenting it as if no Father Christmas means gruel and misery in Christmas Day.

There are threads on here where children have been very upset to find out their parents have been not been telling the truth about Santa. Yes, it's not the most common reaction but some children really do not appreciate being lied to.

You're clearly deluded if you think you'll never lie to your children I feel sorry for what ever children you may have in the future!

why would you ruin what is a wonderful magical thing for kids??

Magic is subjective.

And some children are affected by the lying. (I was one of them.)

You're clearly deluded if you think you'll never lie to your children

Of course they will. But that's not a reason to create an illusion that will later be shattered.

OP I have not read past the first page of righteous twaddle the thread so hope this is still useful to you

We don't 'do Santa' either. We read DD The Night before Christmas, as I love that book. We will also do 'playing Father Christmas' like a PP above. Like, 'Oh there is a man at the garden centre playing FC, shall we go??'

However, quite separately, I tell her all the time (she is a toddler) that Christmas is a special time when all the family get together. Some of our family live abroad so the idea of one special time when we are all together is meaningful to her. I also say that buying a present means 'I love you', and Mummy and Daddy buy her presents and she can help me pick a present for Granddad, etc.

In this way, I am not all 'SANTA IS A CONSUMERIST FICTION' because, you know, she's a toddler! But in her mind, FC is a fun story and game, with reindeer involved and songs, and also, Mummy and Daddy buy her presents. She doesn't see a conflict at the moment and I think she gets the fun of FC without the weirdy insistent that he is really real that you get on MN.

If she ever asks if he is real I will simply say no, he's a fun story. And tbh, what your child says to other children is really not your problem, provided you have the chat about respecting other people's traditions.

Oh my it's all just a bit of fun, I don't ever remember thinking my parents lied to me about Santa.

I'm child free so don't have this dilemma. I never believed it was real - but had to keep pretending for the sake of other children. Ludicrous!

I never found any of it remotely 'magical' and I loathe the whole nonsense to this day.

If an child is so traumatised/affected by a parent lying about Santa then their parents haven't raised them to be resilient enough! Pathetic!

santa brings the stocking in our house and will leave it at the end of dds bed (she's 2) rest of presents are from us and others, we keep a list of what she's received from who and send a card after Xmas.

We do the santa drink and snack, reindeer food on Xmas eve and leave santa a key.

We visit santa once (this year did polar express) and we have an elf on the shelf he brings dd small gifts and plays funny tricks on her, we haven't told her he's monitoring her behaviour.

Through out December we also bake Xmas cookies and take them to neighbors, go on winter walks and feed the ducks and squirrels and make bird feeders and hang them in our local park as well as making present donations to local toy appeals.

I don't think my dd will be emotionally damaged when she realises santa isn't real we try and balance the getting of presents with the giving of thanks and helping others.

I haven't raised mine to believe. I have no idea if he ruined it for anyone and frankly don't care.
It's not my problem that other parents choose to lie to their children.

We don't do FC as literally real, either. He's sort of like Paw Patrol/ Spider-Man for our four year old - cool, fun to imagine about or play with the idea of, but not flesh and blood real. I honestly don't get the shrieking, vituperative accusations of 'non-believer' children 'ruining the magic' for believers. I reckon at least one third of the children in DS's reception class, from Muslim, Sikh, Hindu and orthodox-ish Jewish backgrounds, don't do FC as literally real either, and the children don't seem to struggle with the concept of 'some people believe...' FC is still appearing in a grotto at the school Christmas fete this week, though.

Actually I think that the idea that lying to your dcs isn't right isn't a crazy idea TBH.
Do all parents lie sometimes? Yes of course they do.
Do all parentsthink that lying is part of the course with parenting and it's OK to lie to your dcs? Nope

I have always made a point to avoid lying to my dcs. The only times I have done it, they were white lies, lying by omission or because ot certainly wasn't right to burden them with the truth (e.g. Issues within the relationship or a family member been very unwell when they were about 6yo). Is Santa part of that? I'm not so sure TBH.

Johnny I can understand your approach. I can also tell you that dc2 would just have fully believed in Santa in that scenario. The same way that he believed in spells and magic and magical creatures. He was still asking for a magic wand for Christmas when he was 7yo (despite numerous attempts at explaining these were just stories) and was really hoping he would get one (because he believed they could be real). Some children are just very keen on believing in all the magic stuff.

Ah it's ok Lweji, You're children are the 'naughty children who don't get any presents of Santa' whose parents tell them Santa doesn't exist!

I find it strange that these kinds of rituals are considered 'lying'.
I feel that like many things, these kinds of mythology based stories are ways of teaching about etiquette and behaviours through story-telling. All cultures have them. We tell the stories about right and wrong, and how people behaved, and whether they were rewarded or punished. This is the whole premise of every religious book. Of most children's fairytales and nearly all their television.
Tell all the stories, build an incredible world of wonder. But then gift them the skill of critical self-reflection - teach them how to read between the lines and find the truth. Teach them how to look for the moral. Teach them to ask who told the story, who was the audience, and what was the intended effect. You can have both - wonder and truth-seeking. But you shouldn't have to tell kids the truth all the time, you should teach them to discern it for themselves.
Best skill I ever got given.
And Christmas is still full of joy!

I'm struggling this year now DS is 4. He clocked immediately that it was someone dressed up at the shopping centre. I told him that yes lots of people dress up as Santa as prt of Christmas so you can tell them what you would like. I've been very vague and just let him answer his own questions really. I honestly don't think it makes any difference to a child on Xmas morning if they believe that Santa has been or parents have left presents. Surely they are excited because they have presents? I'm not sure they would be excited if the magic of Santa coming would be enough to compensate for being bought a goat for an African child for example. Face it. It's the presents.

And I'm trying to think of when I have lied to my child and I can't think of anything obvious. It's like people telling their child that an injection won't hurt. It does hurt so they immediately know not to trust you next time you say something won't hurt like getting their hair cut for example.

I'm a teacher and don't lie to my class either. Like in sleeping lions when adults lie and say that their mummy has come to collect them to make them move. I just think that's mean and breaks their trust. My class know with certainty that I mean what I say. Perhaps that's a too simplistic way of looking at it.

I do not believe in God and bought up my children not to believe in god - I may be wrong but I think there are millions of Christians totally unaffected by my actions.

Do what you like with your own children - you appear to appreciate honesty, well here goes - you are not that important!!

I am sorry to disillusion you but your future children will not be important/special enough to influence other children's views and feelings - certainly not at the age when most children believe in Santa.

All children face other children having different beliefs etc to them every day - they will always go with their parents - until adolescence anyway!!!!

Spoiling the magic?

What magic is there left with the blatant consumerism and the mountains of presents?
It's all all gone wrong anyway.

I wouldn't worry just now, maybe wait until you have kids and see how you feel then.
We always did Santa, my parents did Santa and I have as both child and parent enjoyed the whole ritual. Up to other people what they do.

Childhood isn't a great time really. Adulthood is better.

This! I loathed being a child, and not being in control of things.
"You're too little..."
"when you're older..."
"do you want a smack?..."
"don't you dare lie..."
"I haven't told you to do it yet, so now you'll be punished... (said by primary school teachers a lot; gave me a fear of doing things without being told)