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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

497 replies

timeforachangeofname · 12/12/2016 06:50

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 12/12/2016 07:31

It's actually the elf on a shelf thing that got me thinking about it, someone I know keeps posting on Facebook about it and it just seems like a way to blackmail a child into behaving.

Childhood is about make believe, play and pretending. I am sure most children don't honestly believe that the elf on the shelf is real in the same way that their teacher or the cat or a can of baked beans is real. That would be terrifying.

You don't have to explain to a child

"Of course you do realise that there is no tea in this teapot and your teddy bear isn't alive"

every time you have a tea party.

Equally, it's perfectly possible to threaten to cancel Christmas without the aid of Santa or the Elf on the Shelf.

FizzBombBathTime · 12/12/2016 07:31

Op please come back when your children are here and you've done your time

Jellymuffin · 12/12/2016 07:32

Aquapool, did you have a tough childhood? Being an adult is crap, you must have been sent up the chimneys as a child for it to be worse!

Charley50 · 12/12/2016 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 07:33

Being a child means you have to put your trust in other people in its entirety. Being an adult and having control and autonomy over your life is far superior.

ACubed · 12/12/2016 07:33

I think we're all avoiding the reality that what children find most magical is getting lots of presents! If santa was just a guy who rode around spreading Christmas cheer no one would give a shit.

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 07:34

Er no charley because her child will probably be beautiful to her Hmm what an unpleasant sentence.

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 07:34

Yes, agree with that Cubed!

HearTheThunderRoar · 12/12/2016 07:34

We never encouraged the idea of Santa, we let DD make up her own mind on whether she believed or not, which she did whilst she was in Primary School.

So we gave DD santa presents and took her to see Santa's grotto but thats as far as it went, we never went overboard with all the Santa stuff. When she stopped believing (10ish) we stopped with the Santa gifts.

Temporaryname137 · 12/12/2016 07:35

Have you ever seen a tiny child when they get up in the morning and Santa has been? I think it's amazing, and will do my best to let DD have that for a few years. Lots of stuff that kids have to grow up and learn about is pretty non magical, why not let them have a bit of fun!?

pklme · 12/12/2016 07:35

I didn't tell my children anything. I provided a stocking, put out in the lounge on Christmas Eve. The story around it all came from elsewhere. I answered questions with 'what do you think?' They always came up with an answer that satisfied them at the developmental stage they were at. I didn't take them to visit Santa in store, though he did visit school/nursery etc.

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 07:36

Temporary, they are like that because of the presents lol.

Original poster
timeforachangeofname · 12/12/2016 07:37

Haha I'm not saying I'm going to be a perfect parent or have perfect kids, where would be the fun in that? I just don't want to lie to or blackmail them, as those are both things that I think are really wrong.

As for people saying that the world is a horrible place and that kids need this, I actually think the world is a pretty awesome place and hopefully I can pass that belief onto my kids.

Also I'm not wanting recognition for spending loads of money for my kids, to be honest I wouldn't celebrate Christmas at all as I'm non-religious (I know I'll get flamed for that, but what's Christian about lying to children?), but it's a tradition in both mine and DHs families so we usually visit one of the families each Christmas Eve and stay for a few days.

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/12/2016 07:40

I'm in the minority as I don't like the Santa stuff at all, and wouldn't've done it for my DC but DH disagreed. Eldest - a thoughtful type - has always found it all quite confusing, youngest loves it all.

Recent Lancet article by researchers arguing it's not good: www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/11/24/parents-urged-stop-pretending-father-christmas-real/amp/?client=safari

VagueButExcitlng · 12/12/2016 07:41

My DD figured out Santa was a lie around age 4/5. I was going along with it but when she first started questioning the logic of it all I caved! She also has ASD traits and has always been very matter of fact. I knew she'd be devastated if she knew I'd been expanding on lies.

It really didn't ruin the magic of Christmas at all. She'd still join in with visits to Santa, and be giddy with excitement on Christmas morning.

I explained it like a pp that some people believe and some don't, like God, and it's important to respect other people's beliefs.

I don't think she told anyone else but even if she had I doubt they would have believed her.

We lived next door to a family who told their kids Santa wasn't real. The kids didn't believe them! You can't always dictate what your kids will or won't believe!

Dozer · 12/12/2016 07:45

I know, which is why I get pissed off about religion being presented as fact in schools!

Pluto30 · 12/12/2016 07:46

We don't do Santa anymore, but we don't consider the Santa thing "lying" to kids, in the same way that telling them that their dead dog is in "doggy Heaven" isn't really lying.

We just told them that Santa is based on a real historical person, and it's a character that adds a bit of fun and mystery to Christmas. I've told them that some children do believe in Santa, in the way that some believe in God. They seemed happy enough with this explanation, and, as far as I know, haven't ruined it for anyone.

00100001 · 12/12/2016 07:49

purpledaises "That's not true though-nobody believes Santa is real."

Well... yes they do... Confused

ask the nearest 5 year old!

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/12/2016 07:50

I agree with Aquapool - being a child is shit! You have no say in anything and your opinion is the lowest of the pile because of your age. At least when you're an adult people feel obliged to make a small effort not to laugh to your face when you say something silly.

My mother would be FURIOUS if we didn't express adequate gratitude for being taken to the shops, btw. My sister and I thanked her in chorus when we arrived home each time or she'd throw the most horrendous sulk. So yes, we did feel a burden of gratitude from a young age and would gladly have not accepted what she'd bought (no choice given though).

As for Santa... it's a lie. I don't believe in God either so there are certain parallels, to my mind. You can't deny the existence of either one until the kids are old enough not to broadcast it, unfortunately.

PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2016 07:52

You know exactly what I mean 00100001.

The adults who are bending over backwards to get their children to believe in Father Christmas freely acknowledge that he does not exist. It's not the same as belief in god.

AmyInTheBoonies · 12/12/2016 07:53

It never felt right to do Father Christmas as the truth. It does feel too dishonest to me,

Dd is 4 now, I have tried to explain St Nicolas but she has not really taken much interest. She just sees FC as a figure of Christmas, I say people dress up as him to celebrate this time of year. She just accepts it as part of the festivities.

We have presents, a Christmas tree, family meal etc. All v festive but no FC - it works fine.

RedHelenB · 12/12/2016 07:59

The whole idea that kids could be damaged by this is laughable. Kids tell lies all the time, adults tell lies - it's part of the world we live in. In certain situations it is best to be truthful, other times a "white" lie may be better.

Never did get the buy presents and send them to Santa though. Seemed such a pointless thing to dp!Mine have always had their Santa sack and no present from me. When eldest dd found out she did say she wondered why they got presents from other friends and relatives but not from me!

Original poster
timeforachangeofname · 12/12/2016 07:59

Thanks so much for the replies on both sides of this issue, it has given me a lot to think about but also made me certain I can't go along with this lie. I like the idea of never giving presents from Santa and replying to questions with "what do you think?", but I'd worry then that they might just think Santa forgot them or something if all the other kids cone in saying he got them a new bike or something and my kids got nothing from him.

I wouldn't say the dog has gone to doggy heaven as I don't believe that, but how I plan to explain death to them is a whole different thread lol.

And to the posters essentially saying my opinion is wrong and will change once I have kids - sure, maybe it will, but my DH and I want to start trying for kids very soon and as I kept seeing elf on shelf stuff, it got me wondering how I am going to deal with Santa etc and discussing it with DH rather than having my child asking me about Santa and me first thinking "what should I do!?" then and there.

OP posts:
MarjorieSimpson · 12/12/2016 08:01

I don't have an issue with Santa when they are little. At that age, they believe in a lot of things, magical creatures etc... and Santa is just one of them.

What I do have an issue with is the lengths people go to to ensure their children be,I've in Santa for as long as possible, way way longer than they believe in magical creatures etc..
Because to be able to do that, then yes you do need to deliberately lie to them rather than just telling them a nice story that they believe in iyswim.

I still can't get my head around the idea that an 11yo believes in Santa but knows that all other magical creatures, spells and what not are just make believe since they were 6 or 7yo. Especially because these children usually work that one out on their own. So why can't they work it out on their own with Santa unless we, adults, keep pushing it down their throat?

OP before taking that decision, I would look carefully at the whole picture. The joy of Christmas and believing in Santa. The pleasure and the magic of it. But also how let down some adults felt when they realised that adults kept lying to them about Santa when they discovered he wasn't real aged 10yo (if you look around on MN there are a few threads on that).

We did Santa in our house but from age 5~6yo, we never ever told them that Santa was real. If they ever asked the question, we just send the question back to them 'what do you think?'.
Dc1 knew when he was about 6 or 7yo.
Dc2 knew when he was a bit older, around 9~10yo but then he was also the same child who was still believing very Serioulsy in spells and magic until he was 8~9yo.
Both of them knew better than not going with the general belief that Santa was real (and TBH, I think they enjoyed this feeling of surprise and magic iyswim)

SoupDragon · 12/12/2016 08:03

This is my first year without Santa (DD is 10) and it all seems father flat. I can't quite put my finger on what it is given I didn't really think she believed last year.