I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

[timeforachangeofname]

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

Kids don't grow up confused or feeling deceived when they find out Santa isn't real, any more than they do when they find out Little Red Riding Hood or Mr Toad are 'made up'.

I know this is a long thread, but some previous posters, including myself, have said that they or their DC felt this way. Clearly most children don't, and some people have really happy memories of their parents 'doing Santa' and it's important to them to do the same for their own DC. But don't assume that it's universal.

My parents and teachers never told me that Little Red Riding Hood or Mr Toad were real people. If they had, then yes, I'd have been confused when I worked out the truth, especially if the adult's response when I mentioned it was to tell me that if I didn't say I believed in Mr Toad then I'd miss out on a holiday treat.

Children are individuals. They respond differently to things.

I have had the interesting experience of parenting 3 'typical' kids and one very non typical.

Three... loved the Santa (only brought stockings so no expensive gifts) story and when they gradually realised it wasn't possible...no mental scars. Eldest DD1 is very into magic and would have genuinely believed for a lot longer than most.

Then DS2... autistic. Black and white thinking. Told him about Santa. Fine. Discovered tracking Santa on Norad... brilliant.
Only he's now 19. Still tracking Santa! Because if the Canadian Air Force are tracking him he must be real. We have talked about St Nicholas too (to ease him gently out of it) and he has concluded that Santa is real and a man who is replaced every so often by a new one.
Santa stops bringing stockings from him at 18, so this year finally, his stocking will be from us... it seemed the only way to ease him away from it.
But he still believes.

If I had known he would be still believing at 19, would I have done something differently? Maybe.

But it has brought excitement and magic to the whole family for so many years, his siblings delighting in his excitement. So somehow I can't regret it.
DS2 will never experience marriage, a partner, independence... but once a year on the 24th of December he stares at our huge world map, and flaps with excitement of tracking him. Even this year, when he accepts that he is a grown up now so Santa won't come to our house.. it is still magic for him!

And no I wouldn't tell a child that the batteries of an annoying toy had been shipped off abroad for repair or whatever, I'd just be honest with them

No, but will you tell them that their drawings or models are hideous and bear little resemblance to what they're telling you they are?

When telling them not to go off with people not previously agreed with you and they ask what people like that do to children, will you tell them?

Will you tell them that their best friend is much prettier than them if they ask you for the truth?

Will you tell them how babies are made if they ask you at 3 like one of my little boys did - or will you give a vague non-specific reply?

Will you tell them that their school cooked creation tastes awful?

Will you teach them to never tell lies too - so when someone gives them a gift that they already have or simply don't like, will you teach them to tell the giver the truth if asked?

I'm sure there'll be smartarses out there who would give a young child the absolute uncovered truth but the majority of us who think we're totally truthful probably aren't.

I had the most tummy burstingly, tingly Christmases and my eldest children (now adults) absolutely love helping to prepare stocking for the younger ones. They have the most lovely memories of waiting in anticipation of Father Christmas (never ever Santa!) and always thank me for it.

They're well adjusted decent children (mostly) now with good jobs and a strong moral sense.

It's obviously up to each individual to do what they see is best, but before seeing it as a bad lie, I'd urge people to think if they'll ever tell any of the above lies first and reconsider to give their children the chance of the magic of Father Christmas :)

In truth, I find it odd that people 'won't lie to their children' about Father Christmas, are not Christian but still celebrate Christmas. What are they actually celebrating except mad and greedy consumerism. I understand completely tha people from non Christian cultures might forego the whole thing - but then again our Sikh friends celebrate Christmas as do a Muslim family we know.
We always did Father Christmas properly. Hand written letters up the chimney two weeks before. A faxed copy to his North Pole office that was always given a receipt. Mince pies, homemade stockings for every child with another button sewn on by them each year. Carrots for the reindeer. One wasn't keen on idea of him in bedrooms but then we always put them up around fireplace somwasnt a problem. One was totally convinced she had seen him in the sky for years. We had jingle bells in case anyone was awake and listening. We love doing it so much and will still do it this year. As the older ones twigged, we just said, in absolute truth, that Father Christmas didn't cease to exist but his magic changed. They looked puzzled for a couple of years but came to realise we were right and the real magic was in other people's reactions and joy. Maybe diferent for us as Christmas is a big deal - the stockings are essential on Christmas morning to keep the noise down. We all open them together in our bed after I have been given a mug of tea. It's increasingly difficult for us all to fit on the bed now but that doesn't seem to stop them and two of their partners now join our own and sew the buttons on their stockings too. It is magical and I know in time they will continue many of our family traditions with their own families.

I grew up in a household where you get rewarded with a Christmas present if you have done well in your academics that year, none of this Santa nonsense.

Visiting Santa as a child was more or less to sit on his lap, have your picture taken and be given notepads and pencils as gifts.

He never once asked what I wanted for Christmas!

Anywhoos OP when that time comes, follow your heart.

I was devastated when my mum told me (I was at an age where I needed to know) - not because he wasn't real but because I had been lied to. I had wondered by then but told myself that parents wouldn't lie to me.

I knew a family who let their DC in on the pretence from the start and treated it as a game. The mother had had a similar experience to me.

I think we are in the minority though.

YABU because you are making it all about you, and how terrible it is that you feel uncomfortable. It should be about your children and how magical it is for them to believe for a few years in a made up story. Get a grip.

Nobody knows how their children would feel either way.
And not wanting to lie to children (or make up as a true story), is not about the parent. It's about the relationship between parent and child.

It's strangely odd that some people feel the need for others to impose a fake story on their children.

This is one of those things that really piss me off, Santa simply isn't real (as we all know) don't lie to your kids, just tell them the truth flat out, when I was young my parents just dropped straight, "son Santa isn't real" that truth didn't hurt me or damage my childhood, I still got bedtime stories, I still got mums love, dads love, besides by lying to your kid you're only giving away the credit, think about it.........buying you kid something and telling them someone else (Santa) bought it for them? Over my dead body!!! I want the credit, I want my kids respect.......SCREW SANTA!!!!

That is all I have to say...

You'll spoil it for other kids if you don't go along with it. Are you going to teach them about god, coz he's a fictional character too.

You'll spoil it for other kids if you don't go along with it. Are you going to teach them about god, coz he's a fictional character too.

That's a joke, right? Neither of mine have "spoilt it" for anyone else. And as if "everyone else is doing it" was ever a good reason to do anything!

That simply isn't true, Craigie. Lots of my son's reception classmates either don't do FC at all because they don't do Christmas for religious/cultural reasons, or don't do FC as literally true, and the other two thirds of the class don't seem to have any difficulty getting their heads around 'some people believe', the same way they get that (in a simple, reception-aged way) Sikhs/Hindus/Muslims/Jews/Christians believe in different things.

There's absolutely no need to push for a blanket FC 'conspiracy' with children who don't believe as potential whistleblowers.

are not Christian but still celebrate Christmas. What are they actually celebrating except mad and greedy consumerism.

The late December festival pre-dates Christianity, so I feel perfectly entitled to do what the fuck I like celebrate at this time of year. And surely santa/Father Christmas is now the god of consumerism. We certainly don't go mad at Xmas - we focus on time and fun together rather than things and spending.

I agree that it's lying and I don't feel comfortable with it but my other half is insistent that we do the whole 'Santa' thing. DD also has a lot of cousins that believe and I wouldn't want her to ruin it for any of them so I've agreed to it.

Been chatting to my children on the school run and they put it into prospective for me.
They couldn't believe that people are calling it lying to children - they said lying is about important things - this is about Father Christmas !

You'll spoil it for other kids if you don't go along with it

Bollocks. Based on your thinking people from other religions who don't celebrate Christmas should tell their kids that Santa exists and buy presents from Santa just to satisfy a few precious parents who think that it is vital every single child believes in Christmas so the magic can't be spoiled for heir special little snowflake. In every classroom of all primary ages you get a mix of kids who believe and kids who don't believe.

They couldn't believe that people are calling it lying to children - they said lying is about important things - this is about Father Christmas!

You might want to teach your children the definition of lying-it's a very socially acceptable lie but it is not true that a fat man delivers presents to all the good boys and girls at Christmas.

Really miaow? Until what age would you be annoyed with the child and parent who bland that Santa isn't real?
Somebody told my ds when he was about seven that Santa wasn't real but he casually said that he didn't believe him. I told him at that age that some people believe and some don't and he was fine at that point. Due to his ASD traits when he did finally realise that Santa wasn't real a year or so later he was upset that we had lied but really wasn't arsed about Santa himself.
Some kids have older brothers and sisters who tell them early in that Santa isn't real and would you really think badly of those little children and their parents for not being able to prevent the big ones from blabbing?
Would you be annoyed at people from other religions who don't believe in Santa and swhose children tell your children thatvtheybshoukdbhavethat believe in it?

There are some really precious parents in this world.

Tell your kids to believe whatever they do - but if they turn out to be the kid that decides to spoil it for the rest of the class and my kids by sneering at their beliefs and telling them the truth - I'll be incredibly pissed off and you'll be a parent I'm avoiding at the school gates for the rest of the time at the school.

You don't sound like the kind of parent that people would be falling over themselves to be friends with...

No one should be sneering at anyone else. Ideally kids shouldn't be telling others about Father Christmas in the same way that you shouldn't give away the ending of a book. It is inescapable that one day your children will find out Santa isn't real. That's a good thing-he isn't real. It doesn't mean Christmas is over.

I felt like this until I had children because I was very upset when I found out my parents had lied and it genuinely shook me to the core as a child.
My DP was adamant that they had to experience the 'magic' of Christmas and our almost 3 year old is so excited (and it's good bribery fodder). It's really nice to see how excited they get

Does anyone teaches your child/children about the Christmas mais reason to be celebrate?

Sure, I'll be teaching my DD about how the ancient harvest festival of Kekri was slowly co-opted by the Christian invaders to become the celebration known as Christmas today.

I'll be teaching her that at Christmas we celebrate that we had a good year - we had enough food to eat and clothes to wear. That we celebrate the end of the year and spend time remembering dead loved ones, celebrating the lives they had. I'll teach her about the old beliefs and customs, like making spells to bring good fortune in the coming year.