Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

497 replies

timeforachangeofname · 12/12/2016 06:50

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

OP posts:
ilovehugsandchocolates · 13/12/2016 20:32

Does anyone teaches your child/children about the Christmas mais reason to be celebrate? I mean, you dont have to believe in Jesus, but you say that world celebrates that He born? I don't lie to my children about Santa, but always teached them to don't say it in school and respect the other believes.

pollymere · 13/12/2016 20:35

Santa is a spiritual concept. St Nicholas gave women their doweries and likewise Santa gives gifts in the spirit of St Nicholas. I'm not lieing when I say I believe in Santa.

Tapandgo · 13/12/2016 20:43

ilovehugs - I wouldn't teach my kids to hide their beliefs, just teach them to tolerate the healthy fact that there are different views around every subject.

murmuration · 13/12/2016 20:44

Actually, if OP is uncomfortable with the concept of a socially-pressured lie/deception/fabrication/mythos (or whatever you want to call it), she may very well not lie to her children loads. I don't get this instance that is something that everyone does. Yes, you explain things in an age-appropriate way, and every once and while even say "that's something to learn about when you're older", but you don't have to lie. I'm not being holier-than-thou or anything -- I honestly find lying difficult. I'm that horrible person who when faced with "How do you like my new dress?" is saying "umm...umm..." while my brain is going Don't say it's terrible! Dont' say it's terrible! and eventually comes out with "I see you like it very much" or "It must be great to have found something in your favourite colour", then 15 minutes later think, Why didn't I just say it was lovely? A 'white lie' isn't something that comes naturally to me at all. I can't imagine if I was meant to interact with my child via them! Far, far too much stress.

Not everyone is the same.

Oh, and my 4yo knows she'll die one day. Am I supposed to tell her she's immortal? If you don't let them know they'll die, what do you do when they start asking about death? And she knows she's special because I love her.

mrsbaffled · 13/12/2016 20:48

Yes yes yes murmuration. I don't like any kind of lie. I try really really hard not to lie.

Also my kids are on the edge of the Autistic Spectrum. As am I (probably). Lying just doesn't sit well with us.

cirrus29 · 13/12/2016 20:51

I'm glad to see my dd (age 4) isn't the only child petrified at the thought of Santa coming into our house. Having heard about him at school before we could even decided if/how we were going to 'do' Santa, she declared that she didn't want him to come, and would rather not have a present!

Amymarie19382 · 13/12/2016 20:58

Oh dear I'm clearly a bad mum. I tell my little girl about Santa and we have a 'magic' elf! Lol

aquabluepool · 13/12/2016 20:59

Sorry, come again?

Could you please quote the poster who said 'telling your child about Santa is bad parenting?'

emmakc1977 · 13/12/2016 21:14

FFS come back when you actually have kids and re-read this. It's harmless fun and yes, for a few golden years you are able to bend your stroppy 3-5 year old into behaving. I also tell my three that McDonald's is closed on weekends (hate that crap) and a whole other host of white lies to get a bit of peace and quiet!

smallchanceofrain · 13/12/2016 21:20

I'm not saying I was right about Santa helping children believe in stuff or achieve stuff. It just seems like a kinder way to explain to my 11 year old why we've spent so many years pretending Santa is real. Possibly better than saying: Yes, I'm Santa, grow up kid... the whole thing is a load of rubbish and we kind of went along with it because that's what many other people do and it seemed like fun. Anyone got any better ideas about how I explain to DS that we've lied to him for years?!

Lweji · 13/12/2016 21:22

Not sure I have a good explanation, but my 11 year old would see through that explanation easily. Sorry.

mikado1 · 13/12/2016 21:25

It's not lying because young children believe in fantasy without you even trying - my ds talks about the Easter bunny that I've never mentioned and looks out for Wee Willy Winkie when I say 'Are the children in there beds, it's almost 8 o'clock?'! I am not going to pointedly tell him he's got it all wrong because the make believe that seems real is only for such a short time before rational thought takes over. We cant wait for Santa here, but Christmas I'd time off together, meetups with friebds and family, chocolates and presents, it's definitely not al Santa. There's a middle ground that hopefully this thread has made you consider OP.

user1471446433 · 13/12/2016 21:34

We read the night before Christmas & play the father Christmas/Santa game based on that - leaving out stockings & finding them filled. Other people play too, some people think it's real.
I don't lie to my kids about other stuff either- I don't really lie in general am utterly tactless

Memoires · 13/12/2016 21:53

It's pretend play. Have you forgotten how to do it? You pretend something is true and then you can have lots and lots of fun.

It's like playing cowboys and indians (does that age me? Grin ) or that you're Scary Spice on stage singing when you're actually just you in your bedroom and that mic you're holding is a hairbrush.

Playing Pretend you believe in Father Christmas is much simpler and requires very few props too. Putting out a stocking, leaving a dish of milk or a carrot or mince pie or whatever tradition you want to create is pretty simple and uses things you're likely to have anyway at that time of year.

You'll be buying presents, tree and tinsel, nice food and some booze anyway won't you; add a few folderols, shove them in a sock and get your child to leave it's pair at the end of the bed, switch the empty one for the full one when you go to bed and your child's asleep, wake up in the morning and "wow! Look! Look what Fr Xmas has left you......". Then pursue the day however you would normally.

murmuration · 13/12/2016 22:03

memories - exactly! I can't tell which approach you're arguing there, but that's just what we do (although with different details of course). We play pretend as a family, and enjoy it.

I think the distinction being made is in some families the younger people don't know it's pretend, and think Santa is literally true. In other families (like mine) the youngest member is aware that everyone is playing a pretend game.

I argue that as long as you're comfortable with whichever approach you've chosen, everyone is having fun. Children aren't going to be scarred for life when they find out Santa isn't actually real; alternately, children who start out thinking he's pretend don't have a joyless time.

murmuration · 13/12/2016 22:04

memoires, sorry.

PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2016 22:05

FFS come back when you actually have kids and re-read this.

FFS read the thread. There are plenty of posters who do have children but don't do Santa as real.

cheval · 13/12/2016 22:26

Was having this exact conversation with my now adult son. I did all the santa thing. His close friend's father refused to do the myth and told his son it's all rubbish. Aged about five. Somehow his boy didn't tell all in class. My son continued to believe for few years longer.
I think it's one of my fondest memories when he was three or four and having seen presents 'santa' had left in his room, he burst into my bedroom, saying 'he's, been, he's been!!'
Life is hard. Some fantasy is nice to blur the edges. I also love the Santa calls they do on radio one, just gorgeous children. And man that plays Santa is fabulous.

LizzyELane · 13/12/2016 22:50

Christmas was totally magical and exciting as a child, I could hardly sleep on Christmas Eve. But, one year aged probably 9 or 10 I asked my mother why she hadn't bought me a present. She got in a huffy strop as had obviously spent a lot on F Christmas pressies. It kind of killed it for me and now I find it hard to know what to say to my 9 year old daughter!

Dizzybug52 · 13/12/2016 23:08

I have never written on here before but i have to say I have just turned 40 and grew up believing in Santa, waking in the morning to see the sack of presents he'd left at the bottom of my bed was 'magical', the look on my 3 year olds face last year when it happened to her....indescribable! I don't even remember finding out Santa wasn't real so I don't think its anything to worry about, it has damaged me or my sisters in any way. Go with what you feel is right! Merry Christmas!!

DixieNormas · 13/12/2016 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dizzybug52 · 13/12/2016 23:10

Lol, should say hasn't damaged me and my sisters!!!

HeCantBeSerious · 13/12/2016 23:12

It does do damage to some children though.

sniggy01 · 13/12/2016 23:19

I have been teaching in Ks1 and nursery classes for 20years and have 4 children of my own. I have met very few children who don't believe in some form of santa - it's something all children can share - it's non religious and so even spans different religious beliefs and that means everyone can join in. Those children who do know from an early age, in my experience, don't enjoy it as much as the others and often feel they have to tell everyone so they can be the same as the others ( I haven't explained that well). I can also hand on heart say I have never seen a child traumatised or damaged by the lie. They are often a little sad when they find out as it's all a bit different then - but I have never heard a child ask why they were lied to - I really don't think they see it that way.
You will have your precious children OP and you must bring them up the way you believe to be best for them - they will love you unconditionally and will be the most wonderful thing you ever do. Merry Christmas x

nooka · 13/12/2016 23:50

I would guess that children who learn the 'truth about Santa' at a relatively early age don't come from families who work very hard to keep their children believing. I would guess that it is children who discover later that feel more that they have been deceived.

As a non-Santa person I've never thought it was damaging really, just weird when families make a huge deal out of it or persist after children have shown signs that they understand it's just a story. However there was a thread on here not so long ago about a little boy who really was quite upset after asking and being told that Santa wasn't real.

It did use to annoy me when my children were small and the Santa story was pushed at them quite aggressively by nursery, school, other parents, people we met randomly on the street etc. Sure everyone can join in but why the assumption that every child must join in? We've moved away from the assumption at school that every child believes in the Christian god to something more pluralistic, I don't think replacing the nativity story with Santa (including the expectation of strong belief) is a great move really.