To wonder what you do if you're a SAHM

[aquabluepool]

I just find the days so, so long. And lonely. DH often doesn't get back till 7 o clock.

Yes there's baby groups but not that many. Two a week. And I don't really like them but I will go.

I teach teenagers but it's not about liking them. When it's your own you need to be more than that. Baby is 10 months.

Art, maybe for you it isn't, but like I said, we're all different.

Ok, I think you have to realise that you have a problem. It is not usual to dread your child walking or talking. Your posts are very very flat.

You have a baby. Your life now revolves around that fact. You sound like you want to get away from your baby - that the baby is the problem.

If this is how you feel then you must go and see your doctor as I am concerned for your state of mind.

Most people find being a SAHM tough and sometimes boring. That's ok (aren't most jobs a bit boring at times?) But what you are describing is a much more.
Do you love your DC?

No. But I don't want the thread turning into a million I'm depressed posts. I'm not. I'm a shit mum, but I'm not depressed.

What could make you feel differently do you think?

Go back in time 18 months? :)

Goodness.
You are finding the prospect of having your own child at weekend s and evenings daunting. (I can kind of understand the walking thing - once they are on the move and have a mind of their own more , it does get more difficult, although also more fun to my mind).

Yup. You need to go speak to someone. Maybe it's not PND, maybe it's just reconciling yourself to this new reality if your life including a child, reconciling the new you as a parent. Something's not right. It must be very hard for you right now.

It's not just thatName, you've taken that one sentence a bit out of context I think. Just because he's my own child doesn't mean I can work miracles.

You may not think you are depressed but you do need some help as your comments are not normal. You are a parent but it doesn't have to define who you are. You can be a good parent and have a satisfying career. You don't seem to want either.

Do you ever get any enjoyment out of your baby?

You're only 25, you've got your whole life to look forward to, your baby won't be a baby forever and will be off to school before you know it.

Maybe you just need to grieve a bit for what you have lost, and then get on with your new reality. Having a child can be a sleep deprived shitty thankless grind. But it's also pretty awesome, and fun, and silly. And you are just not getting that bit yet. Abd maybe you need help to see the awesome amazing fun bit?

OP - it's not you find a baby a little tricky, but that you detest spending time with them and dread the thought. That's not healthy.
Honestly you need to tell your partner this, and I suggest you either work full time with child in childcare or you work full time and your husband becomes the stay at home parent.
How can you even consider staying at home with child 24:7 when you dread having them 6.30-8.30an alone?
I would also consider going to your doctor.

What do you see happening in 1,2,5 years?

I didn't say it was normal, I said I wasn't depressed.

There are plenty of "not normal" people, who are not depressed.

Art, I really don't have a clue.

Ok maybe I've got it wrong, I apologise if so .

Oh dear, you poor thing. Please understand that how you are feeling isn't "normal" (whatever that is). Please call the doctor or health visitor in the morning and tell them this. You are not a shit mum. If you were a shit mum you wouldn't be on here asking for things to do with your baby.

You can feel better about this whole situation but you need to ask some people for help.

I agree you're not a shit mum, you're struggling with something.

Maybe you're depressed, maybe you just find having a baby tough and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The baby is here now though and you have to find a way through this.

Do you feel like you've failed to bond with your child?

I'm also wondering - your child is 10 months old but you returned from maternity leave already? So how long did you have off?

Yeah, I just can't see one, which is probably why I sound negative.

How about you give these people a call or look at their website?

www.apni.org

I had 7 months. He was born February. I went off beginning of February and had February, March, April, May, and June and July. I put my return to work date as the first date of the summer holidays but went back September 1.

I'm sorry I haven't read all the thread but I wanted to jump in and say it will get a bit easier over the next few months. With DC2 I found the first year very lonely, but after about 11 or 12 months he was walking and interacting more which made the baby groups better, he was more interested in the things going on. It was/is lonely (he is now 3) but I have found having a weekly routine of 'fixed' things (two toddler groups, swimming, a sports club, library rhyme time etc) helps loads, then I have a list of ideas of things to do locally during other mornings/afternoons (like soft play, park etc) which I mix in with CBeebies/ craft/garden etc. Filling the time is what helps. Then amongst all those things be friendly to people, one or two people you meet you will 'gel' with, have one over for coffee or meet in the park etc. I've found it takes time but slowly I have got a network together. Also having the radio or podcasts on when you're in the house is good, listening to adults talking amongst the days chaos!

I get it having been there myself, and I also thought I was a shit Mum etc. It took me a LONG time to come to terms with being a Mum, truly the hardest thing I've ever done. My "story" is documented in various posts on another section in MN. It took four years in fact before I had my "moment". It's usually called a thunderbolt moment but imo it places such pressure to feel/experience it and made me feel inferior and useless that I hadn't felt it the nanosecond DS was born.

Anyhow, I digress. I think what might help (in a skewed way) is to completely accept that the majority will be shit. But that it won't be shit forever. And though it'll feel like forever, you can mentally inch along. And feel the teeny tiny achievement of surviving another day. AND I know it's a massive cliché but time to yourself is vital. It was only during those times I realised I was breathing normally The rest of the time my breath was held by either stress, tiredness or we'd be out and about and I would panic I would make a big fuck up in public and be exposed for the shit Mum I was.

Looking back (DS is now 9 and yes, it HAS flown) I wasn't a shit Mum. Just an unnatural one who tried her best. PND? Yep, I undoubtedly had it but you wouldn't have got me a million miles within a GP to admit that (for another reason), but that's me.

Not sure if any of that resonates but eitherway, you won't be the only one who feels like this or, more importantly, admits they do. Huge luck.

Would the father consider being a SAHD if he thinks having a parent at home is best? My DH was SAHD last year while I did supply, and it really opened his eyes to the reality of being primary carer. There are quite a few SAHDs who go to our toddler group and it works for them as well.

You could try speaking to a GP or health visitor. Even if you're not depressed maybe they can offer you some support or advice.

You could try a couple of the things suggested, even if it's really difficult and boring.

Couldn't afford the mortgage. We need his salary.

I suppose the situation just is, have to try to make the best of it. Truth is, I wouldn't be in my marriage now, if I had the choice.

:(