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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what you do if you're a SAHM

284 replies

aquabluepool · 11/12/2016 18:19

I just find the days so, so long. And lonely. DH often doesn't get back till 7 o clock.

Yes there's baby groups but not that many. Two a week. And I don't really like them but I will go.

OP posts:
anniroc · 11/12/2016 18:23

Same boat, OP. I found having friends in a similar situation close by really helpful when DCs were tiny. I met them via an NCT coffee morning. Is there a local NCT coordinator in your area you can contact? They are supposed to organise for local mums to meet up.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 11/12/2016 18:24

We go to the park, and the library, and the zoo petshop. I try to arrange to see a friend or two at least once a week.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 11/12/2016 18:28

It gets easier to fill the days as the dc gets older in my experience. In the early days we did one baby group a week, lots of walks, visits to the park etc. I also made up lots of little easy activities - eg sensory play, nursery rhymes etc

defineme · 11/12/2016 18:33

When ds1 was a baby l went to baby groups, met up with people i met up with at them, went for walks around parks and by the river, went to bring baby cinema, put him in the leisure centre creche and went swimming or the gym, saw his grandparents, gardening and cooking, read a lot whilst breast feeding. Put him in a seat on my bike and went for bike rides.Went to rhyme time at local library. Got the bus to town and went to art gallery etc. Visited friends that lived in other cities on the train for the day or longer.
In the evenings when dh was home from work I started a book group and started training for a 10k race.

When he was older I took him to soft play, parks near and far, woods, baby swimming. Not so much cinema or art galleries at that point!

Never let the weather stop you, it's so important to go out in the fresh air everyday.

SpookyPotato · 11/12/2016 18:34

I play with toddler, housework, park, walk round town, catch up on shows.. I don't bother with any groups as DP works from home so he provides my adult company. It sounds like a long day for you!
If you want to meet people then there are a few apps you could try, which are aimed at parents wanting to meet others nearby.. the ones I know are Mush and mummysocial.

ChocolateWombat · 11/12/2016 18:34

It's good to get into a bit of a routine, where you've got things on every or most days. The more you do, the more people you meet and the more you find is available to keep you sane.

How old are your DC? NCT is def worth doing if they are very little and SureStart often runs groups too. I found that things like JoJingles weren't that good for actually meeting people to spend more than the class itself with - I'd hoped some people would go for coffee afterwards, but they never did. Toddler groups give you time to chat with people and get to know people and start seeing them outside of the group. Many Churches run toddler groups.

Even if you think you've missed the NCT boat, ring your local organisation and say you are looking to meet some people - can they put you in touch with anyone. People do this all the time when they move into an area, so you just have to be a bit brave. The more things you go to, the more likely you are to meet people you click with.

ferriswheel · 11/12/2016 18:35

How old are your kids?

Laiste · 11/12/2016 18:38

I have pretty much zero friends ( i do have older teen and 20 something DDs in and out the house a lot and DH home by 4.30 everyday though) and i feel your pain.

My weekdays with DD4 (nearly 3) are a pretty standard mix of mooching about the house doing chores, reading with her a bit, play dough ect, TV, garden when it's nice, soft play (it's not that bad i find, even on your own with a DC), food shopping, gander centers to see pet section, walks, visits to my elderly mum or window shopping (i'm skint too) and a coffee out with one of my older DDs.

Nothing ever stays the same for long OP. I'm guessing when DD is old enough for reception our routine will shift and maybe i'll meet someone i can be mates with as well.

I haven't bothered with groups because ... it's just not me; no better excuse Grin Like PP i manage ok with the amount of adult company i get. Just!

farfarawayfromhome · 11/12/2016 18:40

I am an ex pat and was all alone with DD, no relatives, support network etc. It was hellish. She was also a non sleeper. I ran back to work at five months and never looked back.

I think being a Sahm can be great and work for some people,for others it's a disaster.

Original poster
aquabluepool · 11/12/2016 18:43

10 months. Will be nearly 11 when I become a SAHM, actually.

OP posts:
UmmAandY · 11/12/2016 18:44

How old is your child? When my oldest was a baby we usually did two group meetings a week, one in a cafe and one in one of the mums houses (a different house each week), when I found the mums that I liked the best we started to meet with them 2-5 times a week, I usually spend time with a friend or a neighbour every day either at one of our homes or in the park/pool.

You could join a baby singing/dancing class, gymnastics class or baby swimming.

Depending on the age of your child start to do sensory bins, arts and crafts, messy play and science, i try to do 1-3 activities like that a day and find that it keeps my mind a bit more active trying to find new activities

CloserToFine · 11/12/2016 18:45

Keep going to the baby groups, OP. It took me months but eventually I got to know some nice mums that way, and after more months they became friends. Once you've got a few mates who are on a similar schedule, you can meet at the park, go for coffee, buggy walks, etc. And when you're not doing that you can text back and forth at random times during the day. It really helps with the isolation.

rollmeover · 11/12/2016 19:04

Yes keep going with the groups. Travel to the next town to join others - they are the best way to meet people.
When my two were little I would do baby groups, take them swimming, to the library, to Sainsbury's (!), the park, soft play, the beach. I had to get out every day or I would have went mad.

When they got a bit older (walking) I got an annual pass to a local farm type place. Always a good bet to while away a few hours.
Getting a few friends is essential, so preserve with the baby groups, take the initiative ask ask others if they want to go for coffee etc (as they are probably as lonely as you).

formerbabe · 11/12/2016 19:17

My dc are a bit older now and both at school, but when they were babies/toddlers, I found a gym with a crèche! Win, win! Dc had fun with other dc in crèche while I got a break and some exercise.

Philoslothy · 11/12/2016 19:22

I do a few hours of cleaning each day.
I then do the following:
Muck out animals
Horse ride
Gym, swim or go for a run
Meet friends for lunch, coffee
Shopping
Volunteer work
Take the children to an activity
Run my own small business.

Original poster
aquabluepool · 11/12/2016 19:32

If you run your own business you're not really a SAHM though, you work from home.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 11/12/2016 19:36

Its not really proper work, I would feel a bit of a con artist calling it work

foxessocks · 11/12/2016 19:36

I go to two or three baby groups a week. I go to a cafe for lunch or coffee once a week. Friends house sometimes for a few hours. Supermarket / town for errands. Then we do some activities at home to take up time like baking, play doh, colouring. And I always have a bit of TV in a day! Plus housework obviously.

foxessocks · 11/12/2016 19:37

Also free museums, trips to garden centres, trips to a local attraction that do an annual pass for a reasonable price and the library for a browse or a singing group.

Bobochic · 11/12/2016 19:42

When DD was little I got very interested in child development and read voraciously and then tried to ensure she got all the right opportunities at the appropriate stage. I was very hot on motor skills - gross and fine - and took her to a park/playground every day for a good long session as well as making sure she had plenty of equipment to help her develop at home. I also worked on her language skills a lot - she has been brought up bilingually and designing/implementing the right cultural/linguistic environment also kept me pretty occupied.

Original poster
aquabluepool · 11/12/2016 19:44

Sorry, didn't mean to make it sound like I was arguing with you!

OP posts:
Boundaries · 11/12/2016 19:47

When I was on Mat leave I used to do 2 long walks a day - one morning, 1 afternoon.

Gave a structure to the day and kept me fit, especially as I had my friend's baby for a month too - one in buggy, one in sling....

ChocolateWombat · 11/12/2016 19:48

If you're going to stay a SAHM, then it's pretty important to make some friends who are also around in the day.

Research the local toddler groups and the ones in the next town/village - many areas have the Family Grapevine or another publication that lists them. Don't just go once, but a few times and really make an effort to chat to people - you will meet people and life will be loads better once you're not isolated.

As well as Church and Comminity toddler groups, lots of schools,E specially independent schools run them too, as do NCT and SureStart.....think where people like you are most likely to be and start with those. It's why people join NCT classes before their babies are born - hey have that ready group at the moment they need it.

luckiestgirl · 11/12/2016 19:51

Plan to do one out of the house activity a day, and everything else fits in around that.

So if your activity is in the afternoon then in the morning, drag out breakfast, take baby upstairs with you while you do some kind of housework, baby naps, play some toys, watch babytv, drag out lunch, baby naps, get out the house (baby group, stay and play, music class, go to a friends house, play ground), come home, tv, drag out dinner, bath, story, bed. DH gets home. Relax.

Mush is a good app for finding mum friends local to you if you don't have anyone's house you can go round to.

InfiniteSheldon · 11/12/2016 19:52

I loved it but I was in my twenties as were all the other mums I hung out with I went to mum and toddler groups, park every day whatever the weather, loads of crafty stuff we baked, walked the dogs, it was one of the best times of my life. I did help run a charity playgroup they don't exist any more which is sad and I did do all the business accounts and Vat returns for my dh but that was minimal. I loved being at home with my little Ines I didn't start work again til my youngest was 20 months. I had my first between my third and fourth year of uni and had to leave him with a nanny to finish my course so my time at home with number two was incredibly precious.