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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep a gift from a person harassing me and then ignore them?

227 replies

Yumdoritos · 11/12/2016 05:22

I've had someone sort of harassing me online. They tell me they're in love with me despite me barely having spoken to them and never hinted at anything more than friends, we are barely even friends but more than acquaintances. I have never met this person in real life.

After a few months of being harassed and being too polite to block them (but being strict and making clear how I felt to them - which was nothing!) they recently sent me a "present" to a post office near ish to me for me to pick up. I was very dubious and took a friend with me to collect it. The post office is 30 mins away and the sender does not know my address, only the town I live in.

The present that they sent me was an expensive item, aswell as an Amazon gift card for quite a large amount. I can only assume they sent it to try and win me over or something? They later asked if I'd received it and I said yes but then they didn't even mention it again and we barely spoke since.

AIBU or can I get in trouble if I keep this present and then block the person? They do not have my address but know my name. There are lots more details of how they've harassed me or been creepy online but they might be too identifying to post. I want to block them as I should have done months ago, but worried I can get in trouble somehow from doing that. The person is also quite well off so I highly doubt that the stuff he sent me is stolen or anything along those lines. I think he was just desperate but he's done too much weird stuff to me for me to feel bad for him at this point

OP posts:
Meeep · 11/12/2016 08:51

People going on at the OP are not being fair. It's hard for many women to say a definitive no, even if they're completely uninterested, because we are so socialised to be polite and people pleasing. We are not taught to respect our own boundaries or be assertive!

Imknackeredzzz · 11/12/2016 08:52

Totally ridiculous of you to accept the gift, or even go to see what he had sent you. Can you not see that's total encouragement ?! .... U should have blocked at first dick pic, to hell with mutual friends and your game?!

You've endouraged this weirdo who probably now thinks your engaged! Dear oh dear

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Behindthedoor · 11/12/2016 08:53

FrancisCrawford has said, in all her posts, exactly what I would have said.

This has all got a bit too creepy now, you need to report to police.

SecretSeven · 11/12/2016 08:54

WTF is the matter with you, OP?

An engagement ring? Dick pics?

Have a word with yourself.

Imknackeredzzz · 11/12/2016 08:54

And frankly if my partner had been encouraging this level of attention from an admirer/stalker/weirdo id be dumping them!!

Cherrysoup · 11/12/2016 08:54

Sending indecent images without the recipient's agreement can be an offence under the Malicious Communications Act.

Two or more communications may be an arrestable offence, but as a pp said, the police get a lot of these issues. If you have not helped yourself (not blocked him, drove to pick up a parcel which I bet you had to sign for), you are unlikely to be able to proceed with a harassment case.

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretSeven · 11/12/2016 09:00

Pressed send too early there.

YAB very, very U thinking you can keep it. It's legally OK, but very stupid.

You should report this to the police. And stop any kind of interaction, the rest of your social life and income be damned.

It sounds to me like you enjoy being a focus of attention. Remember that being the focus of a stalker does not make you special.

If you died tomorrow, he would just fixate on someone else.

Get a grip before this escalates any further.

FurryLittleTwerp · 11/12/2016 09:02

He messaged you saying there was a parcel? That was the point at which you ought to have stopped all contact & informed the Police - curiosity got the better of you I suppose.

What if there had been something dangerous in there? Something explosive or acidic or poisonous, along the lines of "If I can't have her, nobody can".

Speak to the Police, follow their suggestions.

If they don't want the ring you could sell it to a jewellers or give it to charity.

ToffeeForEveryone · 11/12/2016 09:02

He sent you an engagement ring and you kept it!?

You need to return that somehow. If you have mutual friends then use them.

This guy is getting increasingly unhinged and by keeping the ring you are playing into his weird stalker fantasy. This will only escalate. You need to make it absolutely clear that his contact is not welcome, and document everything.

If you need to report this to the police how will it look that you kept an engagement ring from him?!

WinterIsHereJon · 11/12/2016 09:03

Why would you want to keep an engagement ring? What does your actual fiancé think of this?

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 09:03

But Francis you are being utterly black and white about this. There are an enourmous number of things that are technically illegal that the police won't take action on. They make a judgement. When they decide to take action, they use that legalisation to support it. You can't just go to them with exerts from law books and tell them to do something about it Hmm

The sending dick pics is neither here nor there- the OP has NOT TOLD this person to stop. And that's absolutely the first thing to do before going to the police. If she tells him to stop and they continue then yes, they may decide he warrenty investigation.

Mrsmadevans · 11/12/2016 09:03

It could be a bribe to stop you reporting them for harrassment

FrancesHaHa · 11/12/2016 09:04

No point telling you what you should or shouldnt have done in the past.

some advice lines:
Paladin 020 3866 4107
National Stalking Helpline 0808 802 0300

DailyMailyFaily · 11/12/2016 09:06

It's hard for many women to say a definitive no, even if they're completely uninterested, because we are so socialised to be polite and people pleasing

I'd be really worried about anyone who was too polite to say no after being sent unwanted dick pics Sad

Miserylovescompany2 · 11/12/2016 09:07

Amazon parcels do not come with additional paperwork if you send as a gift! As the sender you simply select the gift option.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 09:16

Misery I'm not a cleaner but a cleaner for the police would certainly know more about their operations than most of
MN. After all, up think it can "just be logged" Confused

Goingtobeawesome · 11/12/2016 09:20

Stop being so stupid and send back the present. You could ask for his address. I'm sure he'll give it to you. Why did you give him your friends contact details?

Sweets101 · 11/12/2016 09:20

I work for the police too and completely disagree with Wolver
You should report it.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 09:22

Errrrr why does it matter what it costs hmm

I think I made it perfectly clear in my next line why I was asking the OP that question.

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyMailyFaily · 11/12/2016 09:24

Amazon parcels do not come with additional paperwork if you send as a gift! As the sender you simply select the gift option.

Are you sure? I get that it wouldn't have the price on but I'd have thought there was still some paperwork. Surely if there was no paperwork inside then there is still enough info on the packaging labels for Amazon to credit the senders account if the parcel was returned.

PrittStickandGlitter · 11/12/2016 09:24

Honestly, some of the replies here to the OP are disgusting. There's an awful lot of victim blaming going on despite the OP tellingly us that:

She has blocked him.
She has told him that she doesn't want anything to do with him.
She has been open with her partner.
She has said numerous times that she is not enjoying the attention.
She has told all of her fiends that they are not to give out any details.

Some people will resort to stalking regardless of the behaviour of their victim. And keeping or sending back the gift now will make no difference.

Perhaps collecting the gift wasn't the best idea, but to be honest, I would have been curious too in that situation (and I have been in a very similar situation). It's also sometimes very hard to know what to do when you're in the thick of something and often, a person's natural response is borne out of politeness and not wanting to rock the boat. OP says she's been blunt with him now though.

OP, at this stage, I think you need to involve the police. Have you got screenshots of all your exchanged messages where you've told him to leave you alone? In my case, I had evidence of several attempts to contact me online, a few attempts at contacting me via friends and family and some malicious and intimidating items posted online. That was enough for my case to go to court and for the person to be convicted. Good luck.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 09:26

There's an awful lot of victim blaming going on despite the OP tellingly us that:

She has blocked him.

She hasn't blocked him (yet).

Her friends have though.