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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep a gift from a person harassing me and then ignore them?

227 replies

Yumdoritos · 11/12/2016 05:22

I've had someone sort of harassing me online. They tell me they're in love with me despite me barely having spoken to them and never hinted at anything more than friends, we are barely even friends but more than acquaintances. I have never met this person in real life.

After a few months of being harassed and being too polite to block them (but being strict and making clear how I felt to them - which was nothing!) they recently sent me a "present" to a post office near ish to me for me to pick up. I was very dubious and took a friend with me to collect it. The post office is 30 mins away and the sender does not know my address, only the town I live in.

The present that they sent me was an expensive item, aswell as an Amazon gift card for quite a large amount. I can only assume they sent it to try and win me over or something? They later asked if I'd received it and I said yes but then they didn't even mention it again and we barely spoke since.

AIBU or can I get in trouble if I keep this present and then block the person? They do not have my address but know my name. There are lots more details of how they've harassed me or been creepy online but they might be too identifying to post. I want to block them as I should have done months ago, but worried I can get in trouble somehow from doing that. The person is also quite well off so I highly doubt that the stuff he sent me is stolen or anything along those lines. I think he was just desperate but he's done too much weird stuff to me for me to feel bad for him at this point

OP posts:
Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 08:27

Ok well I work for the police. They are inundated with people ending up in similar situations on social media.

The police are no there to punish every transgression of the law. They are there to protect the Public and uphold the law. If the OP can protect herself and the contact stops what would you expect them to do? They can't punish every dick pic sender, and won't, because if they go away after they've been rejected there is no one need to protect OP.

MN is terribly misinformed generally about the role of the police and posters seem to rely on them for far too much. I don't see it as much IRL but it's terrible on here and people encourage each other which makes it worse.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 08:29

Simon- neither will the police track back a parcel sender. Amazon won't either.

In all of your suggestions, the sender has no idea she's returned it do they? So it makes no difference. After all, chuck it in the sea or wear it, as far as he's concerned it's been accepted.

unicornpoopoop · 11/12/2016 08:29

Your partner knows about all of this and is doing what exactly?

I can just imagine my partner telling me that some girl is stalking him... And insisting that he hasn't led her on and they don't know each other at all but she has his phone number, and his Facebook and can log on to his friends voice chat channel? And sends expensive gifts and explicit photos... And he doesn't want to block her... Hmm

I am sure that if you let someone else read the replies you have sent him, they would be able to show you where you have been encouraging this behaviour.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 08:29

Have you kept logs of these Whatsapp conversations where you tell him to stop and leave you alone, OP?

Simonneilsbeard · 11/12/2016 08:31

It's not just the unsolicited pictures though is it? It's the unwanted gifts. And contacting her friends when he can't get to her. That brings it into stalking territory and I fail to believe the police won't take that seriously.

And even if they don't are you suggesting she just doesn't even bother to try?

SoupDragon · 11/12/2016 08:31

if they go away after they've been rejected there is no one need to protect OP.

This man hasn't gone away having been rejected.
She has blocked him.
He has escalated it to sending an engagement ring and the key to his house.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 08:32

Btw, how do you know the engagement ring is an expensive item and not some cheap imitation?

Have you had it valued?

RitaCrudgington · 11/12/2016 08:32

It's illegal yes, but it's incredibly common and the vast majority of women do not report it - maybe they should.

Even if the OP wasn't on the level here we need to think about the messages we're giving out to all the thousands of lurkers looking over our shoulders. I'm hearing a very clear message of "its your fault, you encouraged him, you're enjoying the attention, the police won't believe you or will blame you so you shouldn't report it."

Many women make some errors of judgement when it comes to stalkers. You can't tell someone to fuck off when they first say "hallo" - if they build up gradually until they cross the line then picking the exact right moment to say "no, you're a weirdo stalker and should fuck right off or I'm calling the cops" is very tricky if you're socialised to be nice. Making a wrong call at that point does not make it all your fault.

Simonneilsbeard · 11/12/2016 08:33

Wolver if you read my previous post you'll see I agree with you. She accepted it the moment she picked it up.
Regardless she needs to take steps to protect herself.
Do you work for Amazon as well?

AliceInUnderpants · 11/12/2016 08:35

What a drama. What exactly are you planning to do with the engagement ring if you keep it? Wear it?

I'd sell it, donate the money to charity/refuge, and use the amazon voucher to buy donations for the food bank. He doesn't have your address, you should change your phone number. Done.

What did the staff at the post office think when they got a parcel delivered with no address? What did you tell them about why you wouldn't give the sender your address?

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 08:37

What would Amazon do? Track the person through their debit card? Hmm of course not.

Soup- I have read it that she blocked him after the gift. Of course, if she takes basic measures and he continues to harass her the police will help.

Lelloteddy · 11/12/2016 08:38

What on earth possessed you to even think about collecting the parcel?

You need to send it back to the post office. And BLOCK him completely.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 11/12/2016 08:39

No Francis, they are no there to step in when someone doesn't tell an acquaintance themselves to go away. You need to take personal responsibility rather than run off to the police everytime something difficult happens

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/12/2016 08:40

Amazon will return the items - I've had to return items to them before; from a family member I want nothing to do with. I returned them, Amazon worked out who had sent them and issued a refund.

I'm not sure why you'd want to keep an engagement ring or a gift card - whatever you buy with it will surely remind you of this guy - and I'd be a bit more concerned than you appear to be about him knowing where you live. If he doesn't know exactly, he knows to within 30 miles; it won't be too difficult to get specific within that radius.

Trifleorbust · 11/12/2016 08:41

No, RitaCrudgington, nothing makes it the OP's fault - the stalker is responsible for his own behaviour. But there are clearly errors made in the OP's way of dealing with this and these are her responsibility. When the man asked her whether she had received the gift, there was no need whatsoever to respond. Just bin it and block him, then don't pick up any more packages. I'm not blaming her but I do wonder whether there is an element of enjoying the attention. Dangerous if there is.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 08:44

Soup- I have read it that she blocked him after the gift.

She said in her posts of 06:39 and 06:43 she hasn't blocked him yet.

She said her friends have already blocked him.

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2016 08:44

So he's a friend of a friend?
Did he send the parcel to the post office with your name but that post office adress? Didn't know they'd allow you to do that.
Plus I wonder what he answered when they asks what was inside and its value!

Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2016 08:46

No you should not keep the gift and use it, take it to the Police station for evidence and report the harassment.

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miserylovescompany2 · 11/12/2016 08:47

The gift can NOT be unaccepted, what's done is done. This doesn't deflect from the message OP has sent out. This man has already told OP's friends they are engaged and that OP has left her fiancé for him. This is already a relationship in the stalkers mind...

Yes, OP, has been naive, hasn't everyone at some point in their lives? Go to the police, at the very least this will be logged.

I could say I worked for the police? Which might translate to me being a cleaner? Never take anything on face value!

DailyMailyFaily · 11/12/2016 08:50

Really weird behaviour from the stalker and from the OP.

If the parcel came direct from Anazon then you can return it to Amazon and the labelling in the parcel will let them know who to return it to. There should also have been a piece of paper in the parcel with the order details on it.

It was really strange to go and pick up the parcel.

It sounds like you want to keep it though.

Alorsmum · 11/12/2016 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/12/2016 08:51

Btw, how do you know the engagement ring is an expensive item and not some cheap imitation?

Errrrr why does it matter what it costs Hmm

I really can't see why you haven't blocked him if your friends have!

Zarabell · 11/12/2016 08:51

Ffs. No idea why on earth you collected the gift. For all you know he could have been watching the post office waiting for you and followed you.

You're playing a dangerous game here. He knows the town you live in so he could find you. If he's willing to spend money like that and stalk your Facebook he's dangerous.

You need to go to the police and block this man. This could escalate.

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