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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep a gift from a person harassing me and then ignore them?

227 replies

Yumdoritos · 11/12/2016 05:22

I've had someone sort of harassing me online. They tell me they're in love with me despite me barely having spoken to them and never hinted at anything more than friends, we are barely even friends but more than acquaintances. I have never met this person in real life.

After a few months of being harassed and being too polite to block them (but being strict and making clear how I felt to them - which was nothing!) they recently sent me a "present" to a post office near ish to me for me to pick up. I was very dubious and took a friend with me to collect it. The post office is 30 mins away and the sender does not know my address, only the town I live in.

The present that they sent me was an expensive item, aswell as an Amazon gift card for quite a large amount. I can only assume they sent it to try and win me over or something? They later asked if I'd received it and I said yes but then they didn't even mention it again and we barely spoke since.

AIBU or can I get in trouble if I keep this present and then block the person? They do not have my address but know my name. There are lots more details of how they've harassed me or been creepy online but they might be too identifying to post. I want to block them as I should have done months ago, but worried I can get in trouble somehow from doing that. The person is also quite well off so I highly doubt that the stuff he sent me is stolen or anything along those lines. I think he was just desperate but he's done too much weird stuff to me for me to feel bad for him at this point

OP posts:
SawdustInMyHair · 11/12/2016 21:54

I could GO to the police station and insist they take the gifts since it was only via the phone that I spoke to them?

Very sure it's not the police's job to return unwanted gifts!

You were very wrong and foolish to go an collect it in the first place, the police can't sort that out for you. Could you do the same thing, and send them to a post office where he lives? Maybe some of these mutual friends could help. Keeping it is mixed messages and wrong.

Sneery · 11/12/2016 22:05

I'm amazed that the police were not interested in him sending you unwanted dick pics. it's illegal. Did you tell the police about them? If he has got away with doing it this time He might do it again.

I'm still shocked you picked up the parcel. If I had received dick pics from someone I wouldn't want to open a parcel from them, especially if it involved an hours driving.

manicinsomniac · 11/12/2016 22:06

The parcel could have come directly from Amazon. They wouldn't sell his house key, of course, but they do sell keys. And if he is as weird and creepy as he sounds then he might not care whether it was a real house key or not - might just have wanted to make the point that he wants the OP. I see no reason to disbelieve OP. It was clear from the facebook thing that he had her full name not just her first name.

I would definitely get the gifts back to him if at all possible OP. Yes, it was stupid to pick the gifts up but curiosity is known as a dangerous thing for a reason - I think I might have found it hard to resist knowing what the gift was too.

Roussette · 11/12/2016 22:15

Well I certainly wouldn't

If someone was harrassing me or stalking me I would not be doing an hour round trip to go and collect gifts from the stalker and it's beyond me why you did. Surely it is just encouragement.

Original poster
Yumdoritos · 12/12/2016 01:19

I didn't really see him as a stalker until after I posted this thread, I don't think I had seen the big picture, I just saw him as a weirdo and curiosity over the gift got the better of me - obviously didn't know what it was before opening it either, which some people were implying that I did. Really haven't sent any mixed messages either, didn't think accepting the gift would come across as a message at all - people are saying accepting the gift is like accepting the proposal that the ring implied - again, I did not know what was in the package until I'd already accepted it from the post office and this was 2 days ago!

OP posts:
Wolverbamptonwanderer · 12/12/2016 01:55

You can go and quote franiscrawfords law at them OP and tell them someone on MN said they WILL take it very SERIOUSLY. Im sure they'll change their mind Hmm

OlennasWimple · 12/12/2016 02:15

Would one of your mutual friends be prepared to engage with him to get him address and send the presents back for you?

smurfit · 12/12/2016 02:29

I refuse to use whatsapp for game groups, it's attached to my phone number which is way more info than I'm comfortable giving to internet strangers.

Instead I use Line which I've connected to a gaming email address. I've had the odd harassment case which Line is useless at dealing with but with constant blocking the go away eventually.

Not really an answer to the question but perhaps a bit of a solution moving forward.

GardenGeek · 12/12/2016 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andylion · 12/12/2016 02:58

I didn't really see him as a stalker until after I posted this thread, I don't think I had seen the big picture, I just saw him as a weirdo and curiosity over the gift got the better of me - obviously didn't know what it was before opening it either, which some people were implying that I did. Really haven't sent any mixed messages either, didn't think accepting the gift would come across as a message at all - people are saying accepting the gift is like accepting the proposal that the ring implied - again, I did not know what was in the package until I'd already accepted it from the post office and this was 2 days ago!

OP, the fact you were curious about the gift and not alarmed, and the fact that you seem not to have been alarmed until you read the replies on this thread, posted, suggests that you were enjoying the drama.

Accepting the gift, regardless of what it was, implied that you were ok with the communication between the two of you. Actually, you didn't just accept the gift, you went out of your way to retrieve it.

There was a post deleted from the first page; I assume that was the post that contained info about the ring, the key and the dick pic(s)?

I have no advice about what to do now, unless you can get help from your online group to deal with this.

Scooby20 · 12/12/2016 06:46

A man who sent you a dick pic sent you a gift and you didn't think it was odd. And wanted to know what it was.

I have had similar on social media. I blocked them straight away.

You seriously think he sent expensive gifts by taking a punt that someone in your area can't possibly have the same name and same breed of dog?

If you really can't return the gifts do not use them. You can return the amazon voucher. You know where that's from. If the rest came from amazon you can return it there.

By gaining from him sending you gifts yiu are giving him a get out clause.

Zarabell · 12/12/2016 07:51

Op are you sure you don't have his address because what use would a key to his house be without an address?

Roussette · 12/12/2016 08:37

Sorry OP I don't get your last post, you are backtracking.

You said this in your first post
After a few months of being harassed and being too polite to block them (but being strict and making clear how I felt to them - which was nothing!) they recently sent me a "present" to a post office near ish to me for me to pick up

So your last post is twaddle. You knew you were being harrassed but were happy enough to accept gifts. Why on EARTH would you think that accepting a gift is not giving out mixed messages? Of course it is.

The most I would've done is ask him what he is doing by sending gifts but more likely I would have totally ignored him and the gift. He will have been very excited that you had gone and picked up an engagement ring, keys to a flat and money on a gift card and obviously would be thinking you're falling for him as well. What on earth was going through your head when you arranged for you and your friend to go and get the gifts... god alone knows

DreamsOfWaves · 12/12/2016 08:43

I'm really disappointed by the level of victim blaming in this thread. This arena is normally supportive of individuals who have been victims of domestic abuse or rape so I'm surprised that the same level of empathy can't be applied in other areas of gender based violence. The general tone is that the OP was asking for it and encouraged the perpetrator, and is very negative towards her. This is entirely unhelpful and does not support her in dealing with the current predicament.

EnidButton · 12/12/2016 09:07

I agree with Dreams Some shocking victim blaming going on here. Really bad.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/12/2016 09:54

Sometimes people act in ways which are not in their own best interests, because the situation doesn't seem real. Or they underestimate the threat. Or some other reason. That doesn't mean there is no threat.

OP you can get advice and support from Paladin at paladinservice.co.uk/ . They are advocates for stalking victims and will help you far more than we can. I wish you well and I hope this ends well for you, but do be careful.

Scooby20 · 12/12/2016 10:06

I am disappointed in the way that women are always cast as victims and the assumption that they hold no responsibility for their actions.

The OP picked up a gift knowing it was from him. She has accepted an engagement ring and contemplating using the voucher. She was forced into any of this.

The point is that could be seen as encouraging him. Rather than being stalked. Especially by him. And then to consider using the gifts isn't going to make clear that she isn't happy about it. People use gifts that they want or because the sender means something to them.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 12/12/2016 10:16

Victim blaming is awful in cases such as rape 100% , no argument .

In my opinion , in this case , the Op could do things to help herself by blocking this man and not accepting gifts. It is NOT her fault that this man is harassing her but she could be more proactive in stopping him.

Bloopbleep · 12/12/2016 10:25

I had a similar stalker who found me "by accodent" in real life by turning up to pubs and clubs he thought I might attend until one day he got lucky and found me. He lived in a different country and had to travel for 4+ hours to get to where I live. He then befriended my friends online and convinced them we were a couple. By doing this he got my phone number and address and started to turn up everywhere we went. He'd use stories like we'd had a falling out and he wanted to surprise me and apologise and my (then) friends would give him details of where I'd be and when. It was terrifying. It's never innocent despite what they may think. It's not unrequited and harmless crush/love, it's stalking. Thankfullynthe law takes things like this far more seriously now than they did when this happened to me.

Sonders · 12/12/2016 10:45

OP I was in a similar situation a while back, it actually started through MySpace which shows you how long ago! A guy worked out where I lived by the view through the window in my profile photo, then kept leaving gifts at my building's reception.

I had no way to reject the gifts other than take them to him (he told me he lived in a building around the corner), which I had no intention of doing, so just gave them away to friends.

Nothing bad ever happened, this guy was just very weird and after I left that building the gifts stopped (or at least they stopped reaching me).

I did come here to suggest one thing though, I'd give the gift card to a small local charity. I do work for a couple of animal charities and they can buy most of their feed and toys from Amazon so I'm sure it would be very gratefully received!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 12/12/2016 11:21

Mimsy makes an interesting point re: the tracker. They can be cheaply bought. From amazon if necessary ;)

OhhBetty · 12/12/2016 11:31

DreamsOfWaves what's happened here is nothing like being raped let me assure you of that. So don't even compare it to that.

OP you've made a mistake. Give the amazon card to charity or use it to buy things to donate. You could also sell the ring and give the money away. Just block him now.

LagunaBubbles · 12/12/2016 11:42

The general tone is that the OP was asking for it and encouraged the perpetrator, and is very negative towards her

The thing is whether she thinks so or not she has encouraged the stalker by picking up his gifts, curiosity or not. Thats not victim blaming at all. Hes still in the wrong but she has been sending out mixed messages.

lubeybooby · 12/12/2016 12:02

Fuck it OP, no you can't get in any trouble for accepting a gift. it was their choice to send it to you. I'd keep it and block the person

Do be careful though in case the behaviour escalates to actual stalking

You don't have to put up with any harassment of any kind though do remember that

3luckystars · 12/12/2016 12:29

He could have been waiting for you in the post office, you need to cop on or we will be reading about you in the papers. He could have set that card up to let him know where amazon delivers to, if it is linked to his account? Don't use it.
Just tell the police and never ever ever reply, answer or interact with this guy ever again. Good luck.