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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

166 replies

ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:10

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 09/12/2016 09:11

No Yanbu

School is important and if he can't be arsed to get up in the morning, he can't be trusted with the DC in the week

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 09:12

If your DD continues to be late he will be called in to speak to the EWO. That might make him sort himself out.

Is there a reason he cannot just take her straight to school? Why is he bringing her to you first?

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:16

Scary to drop off toddler DS. Ex takes DD to school then goes to work.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 09:17

Ah I see. Are you going to work too? Could you collect toddler from school?

RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 09:19

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Could you maybe pick them up in the morning instead of him dropping them at school?

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:20

I'm Sahm with DS until he goes to nursery next year.

I'd happily take DD to school on these mornings as well but need her to be here in order to do that.

OP posts:
Idodo · 09/12/2016 09:21

My dd point blank refuses to stay with her father as the last time he took her to school they were late and she missed the assembly. That's a big deal to a small child and she still goes on about it now.

So no YAnbu.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 09:21

Red why should OP do that?? He is paying reduced maintenance because he has responsibility for his children on those days- it really isn't fair on him to treat him like an imbecile who can't get his daughter to school on time. He can do this- he just needs to get up earlier.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:22

RedHelen how am I being unreasonable?

Ex takes the DC to his in my car. I'd have to walk 25 minutes in the opposite direction from school/my house to pick them up and then bring them here. I should do that because Ex can't be arsed to get up on time? Confused.

School is 5 mins from my house. It's next to his bus stop. He starts work at 09.30am. It would work perfectly if he was on time.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 09/12/2016 09:23

Why can't she take school uniform to her dad's and get dressed there, that way he only has to drop off DS on his way to drop off DD to school. The fact she's then getting dressed at yours also uses up more time. If she had uniform at his then this wouldn't be an issue because it would just be drop and run with DS.

SheldonsSpot · 09/12/2016 09:23

I wonder if you have a word with the school welfare officer and explain why your DD is late, and suggest that the welfare officer calls your ex to have a chat about it?

I don't know whether school would get involved but it's got to be worth a try.

YelloDraw · 09/12/2016 09:24

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Could you maybe pick them up in the morning instead of him dropping them at school?

Whhaaaattt? Lazy lump can't be bothered to take his own child to school on time. Mum unreasonable why??? Do women have superior alarm setting skills?

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:25

Wanna I've given him a set of uniform. I've sent him links to the bits I buy for her that so he can get a few sets to keep at his.

He doesn't buy any and the stuff I give him comes back to me unwashed.

I feel like I have to treat him as another DC in order for him to do the bare minimum that is needed of him in the mornings.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 09/12/2016 09:25

Why can't he buy a set of school uniform for his child and then he can take her straight to school ?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/12/2016 09:25

I'm not in this situation but she needs to see her dad and if he takes her in late then the school need to talk to HIM and sort it out. It's not your issue on those days. Hopefully the school will intervene and he'll buck his ideas up.

Kr1stina · 09/12/2016 09:25

Sorry x posted

Kr1stina · 09/12/2016 09:26

Dame - being late is affecting the child, she is stressed by it.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:29

Dame it's incredibly difficult for me to step back and just watch my DD get stressed and upset because she's late and not do anything.

I feel like if he doesn't care about her welfare and happiness enough to do this one small thing then why should he be allowed to keep doing it.

If it were only affecting him then I wouldn't give a shit. He's letting DD down by letting it affect her school life.

Have considered making an appointment with the head to talk about it.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 09:30

Dame- both parents will be seen as culpable in the eyes of the school- same as school holiday fines.

Lunar1 · 09/12/2016 09:32

You don't have to compensate for his shit patenting any more, no matter how much some posters would have you running round after him.

If you are feeling generous then give him one more chance, but don't feel obliged to. I'd stop the midweeks, schools put lots of pressure on children to be punctual. I think it's unfair for you dd to have added anxiety because of him.

Kr1stina · 09/12/2016 09:32

I don't know if there is anything the school can do about it, except refer it to the EWO

If he is going to have her her needs to fulfill the basics - feed her, provide her with clean clothes, get her to school on time .

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:33

Lunar my mum said to leave it for now and if it happens one more time, to stop him having them.

Scary you're right. DD is registered under my address. Any letters about issues come to me. I can't just shrug and say 'Not my problem's.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:34

Just to make clear. I really don't want to stop him having them. The DC love him, love going to his. I love having a night off to watch trash telly or go out.snd have some adult time.

But DD's wellbeing matters more.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 09:44

Sorry but being with their Dad matters more than being occasionally late. Just forward the letters to him - school are used to separated families and children being late for all sorts of reasons.

Yellowdraw - I meant unreasonable to stop the overnights . Just thinking of possible solutions.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 09:44

I think you've been SO generous allowing him to have your car!

I would advise to not ask the head for a meeting, but instead email and outline your concerns and give your husband's contact details for them to include him in letters regarding punctuality. Make it clear that you want to support the school and work with them- you want them onside.

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