to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

[ThisPasadenaHomemaker]

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

YANBU.

Why can't she get dressed at dads then he drops her off at school first then drops younger DS off to you after? Surely that makes more sense, I can't understand the benefit of having to come to you so that see an get dressed and drop DS off then go to school? Also if he uses your car to do all this then does he come back after taking DD to give you car back? That is a lot of faff for a morning.

Does she go to his in uniform or PJ's? If PJ's send with uniform on hanger so he can get her up and dressed drop to school in morning and then return DS with car

Nobody thinks that Pasadena but maybe it would help if your DD was able to get up dressed, eat and clean already for school when he drops her off.

You are not helping the situation at all by wanting her to do all of those things at your house. You are not the intial reason she is late but are contributing to it.

But the majority of the reason why she is late is because they are stopping at your house for her to get dressed. If she is up and dressed herself then this step is not needed, and ex can just drop DS at your house and go straight to school from there.

When my DS started secondary and esp last year we went through a period of him saying that he didn't want to stay at his dad's overnight during the week. But that was partly down to his own lack of organisation I.e. Forgetting books/not getting out of bed in time and as such not catching the bus his mates were on. But ultimately he still kept going back, and although I didn't disagree that having one base during the week is preferable once they're at secondary so they don't need to forget what books are where etc, at no point would it have occurred to me to stop the contact altogether.

You have to cut out the part where you are involved when they're at his. Make her take uniform with her, and once your DS starts school there will be no need for ex to even call by your house in the mornings.

And I haven't "threatened to move away". You should probably stop plucking wild statements out of your arse.

When we initially split up it was something I considered as my family are all in a different country and I have no help or support here. Ex, while not mad about it, was understanding. Its not something I'm considering anymore. Mostly because we were pulling together really well up till now.

And if it's controlling to have standards when it comes to my DC's attendance then yeah I'm controlling. That's a badge I'll happily wear .

Speak to DD and see what she wants? Of its stressing her that much, does she want to keep going or stop? He can still have DS but you're not being the bad parent and his own child says it's too stressful night just give him the kick he needs.

Can you pack a clean set of uniform in her overnight bag for in the morning? Ex drops Dd at school then Ds to you? OK the uniform she had on the night before comes back dirty but you'll barely notice one of two extra bits outside of the principal

Bubble I don't want her to do those things here!!

That's why I gave him uniform and told him to buy more so he had plenty at his. Which he hadn't done.

My dream scenario is that she gets here fully dressed and ready to go, grabs her school bag and goes.

*hasn't

Also, if he has them eOW then this arrangement will presumably also change and you'll want them back on Sunday night so they're not late Monday morning? So yes, you're talking about cutting a significant amount of his contact, all his week night contact and a 3rd of his weekend contact. so him essentially having them just four nights a month as opposed to twelve. That's over two thirds of his overnight contact stopped over occasional five minutes of lateness.

perspective is needed here.

Ok so let me get this straight does he pick them up from school or your house on the day of contact?

If you have given him uniform then why is she not wearing it?

Don't think you answered my question.

If cutting down contact between your daughter and her dad creates animosity between you and him, don't you think that will be stressful for her too?

TBH you sound like you've been waiting for an excuse to cut contact down. This is so flimsy. You say he wouldn't take you to court but my goodness if he did, the judge would not be impressed with this kind of pettiness over 5-10 minutes.

You're looking at this completely the wrong way. Enable your daughter to get herself up and dressed on time - she's plenty old enough. Help her manage her emotions. She needs support and reassurance, not more and more conflict.

OP - The more you update the clearer it becomes that YABU!
Stopping overnight contact during the week because DD has been 5 minutes late 4 times in 13 weeks?!?

Madness!! You've admitted yourself that DD is slow, you may be able to rush her along but maybe it's not the same for EX. If she hears you calling him lazy etc then she won't respect him either.

You're being hugely unfair

No I haven't been waiting for a reason to stop contact.

We've been getting on great. Will go to each others house on a Sunday so we can have dinner together with the kids etc. Swap nights to help each other out etc. It's really the last thing I want, I just don't know how else to make him see that he is being irresponsible.

When the letter came he seemed genuinely embarrassed and vowed to change. Which he did for a few weeks and then reverted back to the old way.

I'm going to talk to the school as suggested up thread and make sure they know I'm on board with stopping this.

Also you keep saying that he can't manage to get her there on time but he must be getting her there on time most of the days that he has her.

Realised o missed a page.

Dd has given you the answer. Buy her an alarm clock. Give her some responsibility to put her own uniform on and do her face and teeth. Does hair need to be up or can she just brush it? Even if she did it on the car

He sould get her fed, clean and dressed at his then drop her at school and then DS to yours after dropping her at school.

I totally get this, as my dh has ADHD and has difficulty managing time and getting anywhere when he should! Like you op, I don't care if it's only him being late, but it's when he is taking the dcs anywhere, the knock on effect is so stressful for my family.
If school hadn't sent a letter and your dd wasn't worried, then I would just leave the situation. But you can't. The most worrying thing is your dd is getting stressed and so you have to take action.
YOu are definitely not being unreasonable. He is not taking responsibility and trying to organise him to get your dd dressed for school is probably a non starter.
I really understand your frustration.

It's not your job to make him see anything or change anything. All you have to do is provide the best care for your children when they are in your care. Any letters from school, you just give them to him. Tell the school you've forwarded the letter on.
If and when the school decide it's becoming a safeguarding issue, they will take appropriate action. That is when it would be appropriate to start meddling in how he parents your children. Not now. Not over five occasional minutes.

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the reason your daughter is upset is because she's picking up on how annoyed you are with her father.

I totally agree with WannaBe "Three late mornings isn't persistent lateness – even, shock horror, 4! Certainly not a justification to stop overnight contact midweek."

Red has posted some excellent points.

In the long run this may well be far more harmful than occasionally being late for school, IMHO (which I kind of feel you are not really interested in despite posting in AIBU).

Having and operating an alarm clock at age 8 is not a terrible thing or a tragedy.

I do wonder why your daughter is so worried about being 5 minutes late If she is getting very stressed about being just a little bit late that seems to me there may be other issues there. How long ago was the divorce (don’t answer if you do not wish to). I think you are projecting some stress here.

Your ex is in the wrong here, definitely, but IMHO YABU to consider stopping the kids staying over midweek and to potentially rock the boat of having a good co-parenting relationship over this issue.

I would be very shocked if the school thought making such an issue of this were worth it if they realised the potential ramifications. By all means talk to the school, and get your ex involved, but try not to turn this into a blame game.

Homemaker re "It really doesn't matter how late she is." This is coming across as your issue, you feeling bad she is late and I really do wonder if she is picking up on this from you.

I know you are upset and cross. Are there other issues here? I know you said he shouted and that is wrong, totally, and maybe some of this is reminding you why you split up and is exacerbating issues from the past?

Please do not allow this to take on a bigger part of your lives than it needs to.

You will regret it if you allow this to spoil an otherwise good working relationship of co-parenting. Especially at this time of year, you will upset the kids, yourself and your dh, and really truly those 5 minutes late at school are of so little significance.

YES your ex is in the wrong to make dd late but you are also in the wrong if you allow this to become a competition on good parenting and make it such a massive issue.

This could be what you tell your dd - that she can take some control of the situation (alarm clock, totally fine) and being a bit late occasionally, (totally fine) and her dad has flaws but don’t we all.

Because the message you are giving here potentially, if you exacerbate this, is her dad is not good enough (for you, for her) because he is occasionally getting her to school a tiny bit late.

Plus you are being goaded on by people here who have an equally unreasonable opinion of lateness. Lateness is cultural, lateness is not the issue you are making it. Stop and think and reassess, please.

Some really illogical responses here. OP said DD has to be in school at 8.45, under her dad's "routine" she gets there between 8.50 and 9 a.m., and people are interpreting that as only 5 minutes late every time. Sorry, that means could be 5 minutes, could be 15, and if she's marked in as late then that's what matters. And these things do matter with all the emphasis on school attendance these days.

PP are also saying DD should have an alarm clock. Fine, but that doesn't help her if her father can't organise uniform and can't get himself out of the house on time.

I don't understand why she's getting dressed at your place?

Sorry I posted up thread YANBU, that was a typo, I meant YABU! BUT I do understand why you are upset and I do think that maybe there is more here than meets the eye as to why this is troubling both your dd and you so much.

dame OP says he is running late so puts her in the car in PJs. Clearly he is too incompetent to supervise the getting dressed at his, and gets OP to do it??

I would struggle to know how to deal with this - you are very good at focusing on what is best for DD which will ultimately see you right I'm sure.

Would it help DD to feel better if you told her you would call at x time in the morning to check things were running on time? So she knows she has a safety net for her shit dad. You shouldn't need to do this of course but thinking of what will help DD.

OP does he walk from your house to school with DD, and then get the bus from the stop?

From the timings you've said, it sounds like if DD is all dressed and ready to go when they get to your house, she will be getting to school (just) on time. Also that then gives the option that if he's running late, ex can drive straight to school, drop DD off (obviously this assumes parking works, may not), then drive back to yours to drop off DS and then walk to the bus stop and that might give the extra few minutes.

TBH if he has been making a better effort - and you said he lashed out due to being confronted by his own shitty behaviour - sounds like he is really annoyed at himself and hopefully it won't happen again - or at least, maybe it'll be once a term, not multiple times a half term. It does sound like he's managed to change the morning routine if she hasn't been late since half term. Personally I think you should give him another chance...