to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

[ThisPasadenaHomemaker]

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

I think you need to have a chat about the morning routine in the sense that him coming to yours first is clearly not working. He does need to make she is clean, fed and clothed in the right uniform as that is basic parenting.

He can't be "too incompetent" because he's managing to do it most of the time.

Why doesn't she take her uniform with her in an over night bag if she's in pajamas when he picks her up? That way there's no need for duplicate uniform at his place and it'll come back to the OP as dd will be wearing it.

An eight year old shouldn't need to be supervised getting dressed.

Also, OP said upthread that she doesn't know how else to get him to change. So clearly her response is reactive and not based on what is genuinely in the best interests of the child.

Reactive parenting doesn't work and is more often than not detrimental to the child rather than the other way around.

If he can drop her at 8.45 at your house, he can drop her at 8.45 at school.

Keep the weekday at his house but ask him to drop dd at school. Yu can then pick up ds there at the same time (not a big change for you but it will become HISresponsibility to get her to school on time).
Beside, it will be a good preparation for next year when ds will be at nursery too.

and yes key the school know too.

She could even wear previous day's uniform if she changes blouse and underwear. My DD usually wear skirts and jumpers for two days.

What I think pps miss is the accumulative effect of having to deal with somebody who doesn't seem to care enough to get organised. In isolation, yes this issue could be interpreted as trivial and not worth rocking the boat for, but it's obviously something the op has had to deal with for years. I've had to learn to pick my battles and I would definitely pick this one, as it involves school and dd is verbalising she is bothered and embarrassed. It's not just about the occasional lateness, it's about dd probably worrying about it the night before and having to rush home in her pjs.

You've admitted yourself that DD is slow, you may be able to rush her along but maybe it's not the same for EX

Of course its not the same - its impossible to hurry anyone along if youre lying in your bed till 30 minutes before your child is due in class!!

Also, he's not managing to do it most of the time, because he only has them 3 school mornings each fortnight.

wannabe what do you suggest that will not be 'reactive parenting' and in the best interest of the child?

When my dcs were that age, they didn't need supervising to get dressed. But they needed to be reminded of the time, they needed to be moved along. The dd is only 8yo after all.
A more proactive approach would be to teach her to get ready on time. That means for her dad as well as the OP to teach her about timings etc...

As far as I can see, the OP is doing that well when her dd is with her. She is leaving her time to get ready, have b'fast etc wo a rush.
Whatever routine her dad has is his. It is up to him to teacher the dd to be careful with timings and getting ready according to his schedule. Atm, he isn't doing that as getting ready for school included being dressed, teeth and hair brushed.

wannabe what on earth does 'reactive parenting' mean?

From the OP I understood that he always turns up with her in her PJs, and she then gets her changed. Sometimes she is late, sometimes she's on time.

Have people missed she is lending him her car to help him get there on time?? Hardly being obstructive, if she.

I get that Super. I've co-parented with a very disorganised parent for over 10 years.
I cope with it by reminding myself that his flaw is organisation. My flaws are different but I'm sure no less annoying to him or my children. He has great things about him too, as I'm sure the OP and her ex do.
My overriding focus is on providing a positive co-parenting relationship. That is so, so important. The benefits of having that and the negatives of not having it far outweigh most other disagreements.

I actually think this guy is being helped too much and needs to grow up and be more responsible.

PS homemaker I am sure posting your situation here can make one feel vulnerable, you do want to defend your opinion and can naturally feel posters who agree are your allies and any who don't agree are being very negative or don't have the full picture. We don't, but none of us do. Maybe not even you.

Please do take a breath and have a think, your dh is definitely in the wrong but what is the best way to get things how you want?

Make sure he has one or two complete sets of uniform, at his home, and ideally, these are his responsibility to clean. She arrives at his house in her uniform and he will have her clean next set of uniform there. He is then responsible to clean the set she was wearing when she arrived at his house and then to it ready at his house for next time.

If him if he can do this. I bet he can.

He then drops her at school early, not just on time, to allow for any kerfuffles last minute, and then takes your son round to you.

Presumably, he must be able to do his own laundry, including shirts etc so a child's school uniform is a doddle.

If not, he can find a service that can do it.

Or if you really want to assist him you could send her with a clean uniform for the next day, that is your choice. If he does not have them mid week you would be doing all the uniforms so really it is not more work for you to provide a clean uniform. And you will still get your night off/out.

I think he should be able to clean one uniform once or twice a week, but I feel this issue is more about the uniform than the lateness.

PLEASE do not see those of us who have a different opinion as the enemy, we are trying to help, not judge, really. I think your dd will cope with this all if you can show her a way to manage her emotions. It is horrible when our kids are upset.

You are a good mum. Try and find a way through.

3 a fortnight, 13 weeks makes 19.5.
Three lates and 16.5 on time sounds like mostly on time to me.

What I think pps miss is the accumulative effect of having to deal with somebody who doesn't seem to care enough to get organised. In isolation, yes this issue could be interpreted as trivial and not worth rocking the boat for, but it's obviously something the op has had to deal with for years
^this

I have no time for lateness nor do I excuse it. As for people who are regularly late especially for routine things like school, well I judge them and judge them hard.

So OP I would calmly explain to him that it is having an impact on your dd. She is a child. He is the adult. And I would give him the letters to at least read.

And I'd give him one more chance, telling him it was one more chance then make the change.

I remember my mum was one of those people who'd blame the kids etc for being late when actually she was disorganised and would fanny about. As soon as I was old enough to take myself to school I did. I remember it clearly.

Tbh I'm not sure why it takes the OP over 2 hours for the school routine in the morning when the school is only 5 mins away

I'm not sure why dd has her pajamas on when her dad picks her up either, that makes no sense to me.

Talk about two extremes!

well I judge them and judge them hard.

I'm not religious but I think "let he without sin cast the first stone" is a good thing to keep in mind. Judge away, it does nobody any good.

italian OP said unthread that she has given him a set of her school uniform already- he gives it back to her to clean, and won't wash it.

let he without sin cast the first stone

I can understand lateness due to unforeseen circumstances but to be late for school on a regular basis is pretty poor form. That's what I judge!

Sorry...

"Ask him if he can do this. I bet he can."

Superrainbows " but it's obviously something the op has had to deal with for years." Did she say this had been going on for years?

italiangreyhound what an unbelievably patronising post up thread !

The man needs to grow up and stop being late, op I would give the head his telephone number to contact him re the lateness. There really is nothing you can do, you are not his parent. You can only reassure your daughter.

Scarydinosaurs re "italian OP said unthread that she has given him a set of her school uniform already- he gives it back to her to clean, and won't wash it."

That doesn't totally make sense. He gives her the uniform back clean, meaning he won't let the child put it on?

He won't wash it, why, that to me seems to be the issue, the whole thing seems to pivot on whether he can get her to school in her uniform. As i said, the OP could supply a uniform for her in her bag to put on the next day. I am not saying she should have to do that but she could. If they did not have overnights anywhere else she would be supplying the uniform each day anyway.

In fact at 8 the child is perfectly capable of carrying her uniform in her bag to days, hanging it up and putting the worn uniform in her bag and taking it home. Dad doesn't need to be involved at all.

This uniform but is quite confusing, Homemaker can you clarify what the 'issue' with the uniform is, please (feel free not to).

I think I would look at a heart to heart, nicely, with the ex. To see if this can be thrashed out. I do see the ex is in the wrong, but I just think more needs to be talked about before the kids stop the midweek visit overnight, IMHO.

Reactive parenting is cutting overnight contact by two 3rds because of three/four late mornings.

No-one would advocate that the children go and live with their father if the OP had been late on a couple of occasions, and yet people are happily agreeing that overnight contact should be stopped during the week. And yet the OP states that on the whole they have a decent co parenting relationship.

When you have children together you have to pick your battles, and you have to pick your responses to those battles. Stopping school night overnights is a disproportionate response to three mornings where a child has been slightly late. A better response would be to speak to the school and come up with a solution which works for everyone I.e. Means the DD isn't in trouble, means the OP doesn't get sent the letters, and means the ex has to deal with it.

And in the meantime ensuring the DD has clean uniform to take to her dad's if he doesn't have any there, so she can get dressed at his before coming out in the car.

prettywhiteguitar re "italiangreyhound what an unbelievably patronising post up thread !"

What an unbelievably patronizing comment, agree with me or disagree but don't try and sum up my thoughts, which ARE well intentioned by your own measurement, I was not posting for your benefit.