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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

166 replies

ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:10

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 09/12/2016 12:49

Gosh ..You have had a hard time on this thread and reliitively few seem to think ex has any blame...It might of been 3 times in 1/2 term 4 now but when it is only one day a week thats a lot.

As a teacher 3 lates in a half term sounds about normal for maybe half a class to me if true that I find it shocking.. My DS year 5 has never been late for school once. He would be mortified to be signed in late and then have to walk in the class.

If DD has asked for an alarm clock then try that if not could the children go for the evening?

I think the letter hopefully is a good thing..As you knew she was late by time at least you have something offical..

We only have one Wednesday before Chistmas so buy the alaram and see how it goes.

Good luck..

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 12:49

italian sorry- doesn't make sense- OP said he hands it back to her dirty to clean.

So he has a set of uniform for her at his house, but won't wash it or put his Daughter in it, as he brings her to OP's in her PJs. OP doesn't ask him to bring her in PJs- she obviously has been asking him to bring her dressed so she can go to school!

This is what OP posted:
*Wanna I've given him a set of uniform. I've sent him links to the bits I buy for her that so he can get a few sets to keep at his.

He doesn't buy any and the stuff I give him comes back to me unwashed.*

BubbleGumBubble · 09/12/2016 12:54

Why can't the DD take a clean uniform with her and then dress herself in it the next day?

Yes he should be washing their clothes but in the interest of releiving some of the DD's stress taking a clean one with her then her dressing herself would go some way to help the lateness?

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 12:55

Man does there have to be a goady fucker on every single thread Hmm

averythinline · 09/12/2016 12:58

I don't think you should involve the school its not their fault yr ex is a twat...

I would make him drop dd off at school then drop the toddler with you....then he is the one fronting up to school
or you meet him there and get the toddler there

there are a lot of steps in your morning process and the focus should be on getting dd to school on time...maybe you should sit down and work out a shorter process together with that as the focus...

otherwise he wont pick up the responsiblity - why should you pick it all up your not his mum! if he can hold down a job and is so intelligent he is quite capable of delivering an 8 yr old to school on time - millions of parents do.....

BubbleGumBubble · 09/12/2016 13:03

Who is the GF Kitty?

rookiemere · 09/12/2016 13:03

My DS was very anxious, the one time we got to school unavoidably late due to an accident on the way. There's nothing else odd going on in his life, he just doesn't like to get into trouble and having to sign the late book. Therefore I don't think it's odd that the OP's DD doesn't want to be late to school either.

I also don't get some of these attitudes to lateness - late is late, regardless if it's 5 minutes or 50 mins, there's a cut off point of 8.45am so it's hardly that early. In the majority of jobs one is either in on time or one is late - if the lateness is habitual, then it scarcely matters how late you are likelihood is you'll not retain your job. I bet the ex manages to get in time for his work.

However I do think it's worth trying some of the options here before cutting off contact. At 8 I think it's fine for your DD to have an alarm clock so she wakes up on time, or another option is a cheap mobile and that way she could set the alarm and you could also phone/text her to make sure she is up.

I also think at 8 she's old enough to take responsibility for bringing uniform round to her DF's and bringing it home again. To me it sounds easier if you just maintain control of it and wash it, but she gets changed at Ex's house in the morning rather than going out in her PJs.

I'd let Ex know that these were the steps that you were taking in conjunction with DD, but if she continues to be late then you would have to consider cutting off overnights - or changing to Friday/Saturday night as suggested up thread.

Good luck with it sounds an aggravating situation.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/12/2016 13:14

It sounds really frustrating!

And if he's made her late four times out of the 13 times he's had her then that means hes making her late for school on 25% of his contact time which is actually pretty bad.

I am 100% in agreement with you OP

However, I also don't understand why you can't send DD to her dad's with a clean uniform ready for the next day?

And surely she's old enough to be able to brush her teeth and brush her hair on her own at her dad's house? Why is that not being done there? If it literally is because your Ex doesn't get DD out of bed until 2 minutes before they need to leave them maybe an alarm clock is the answer?

I don't think 8 year olds should have to fend for themselves and yes, your Ex should be responsible for her and get up in time to help get her ready, but he won't, so you just need to find a way to manage it to reduce DD's upset at being late.

crazywriter · 09/12/2016 13:29

I've not RTFT but could you switch the weekday night for a weekend night? That would stop the school issue but mean kids still get to see their dad. That's at least a compromise until he can prove he can stop being a child about getting your DD to school on time. Other than that talking to the school about it could be helpful. They could do with knowing why your DD is late to see if they can support her in anyway.

Quimby · 09/12/2016 13:34

Completely unreasonable

DeepanKrispanEven · 09/12/2016 14:58

Three lates and 16.5 on time sounds like mostly on time to me.

Four lates and 15.5 on time (the school wrote when he'd been late three times, and he's just done it again). So over 25%. If OP also operated on that basis, she would have been late around 18 times this term alone, or for over 10 weeks for the school year. And he only manages not to be late the other times by leaving it to OP to organise uniform and hurry his daughter into her clothes, which is pretty pathetic on his part when it could be avoided by getting up half an hour earlier and putting his brain in gear with uniform. I really don't see why his daughter should be subjected to the totally avoidable stress he is causing.

DeepanKrispanEven · 09/12/2016 15:01

As i said, the OP could supply a uniform for her in her bag to put on the next day

That's not going to work on the weeks when he has her for two nights, unless OP has to supply two sets of clean uniform which would be quite an imposition.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 15:08

That's not going to work on the weeks when he has her for two nights, unless OP has to supply two sets of clean uniform which would be quite an imposition

Surely she doesn't need the full uniform changed daily? Aren't we just talking about a clean blouse, not a fresh skirt/trousers/jumper daily? She can surely wear her school jumper for 2 days in a row unless she spills all her food down her front?

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 15:47

If the ex cannot step up, be a half-decent parent, get your DC to school on time and appropriately dressed HIMSELF, then I agree you should drop the overnights OP. I would liaise with school so there is a clear evidence trail in the event that the ex decides to apply for a contact order. There are far too many posters on MN who come here to advise women how to do even more than they are already doing to compensate for fucking useless FW exes.

We should not teach our children to think that the bar should be set so low or that their needs are so unimportant.

BubbleGumBubble · 09/12/2016 15:52

We should not teach our children to think that the bar should be set so low or that their needs are so unimportant

No we should not but we should also teach our children to look after themselves and teach them that 1 adult controlling another is not the way to act.

eyebrowsonfleek · 09/12/2016 17:20

I think you've had a hard time.

Ds1 is in y11 and was late for the first time in his schooling last week. (He's always lived within 25 min walk to school) Being late should be because of emergency situations like road block, car problem, deep snow... I am not a morning person at all but have managed to get 3 kids to school on time.

My children would all be mortified about being late to the extent that they would be worrying at night. I would stop the midweek contact to minimise their stress.

WannaBe · 09/12/2016 17:27

So how is it that one parent can just "stop the overnight contact," because they feel that it's ok to do so? Where does that end? If the DC go to the ex's and he doesn't agree with something that OP is doing does that mean that he also has the right to keep the children because he feels it would be in their best interests?

You simply cannot have a situation where one adult tells another what they are and aren't allowed to do, and more to the point, when they are and aren't allowed to see their children. It's an awful message to send to the children, and more importantly, gives the children ample ammunition with which to play their parents off against each other once they're older.

WRT the poster who states the OP should keep a paper trail in the event it went to court, no court would agree that the father be given no overnights based on a couple of late mornings.

Honestly some people live on another planet.

Starlight2345 · 09/12/2016 17:30

It seems like a whole thread of people trying to work out how op can bend over backwards to help Ex get to school on time..Who helps her every other day..

At her age it is the parents responsibility to get the child to school on time..

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 17:33

There is no court order, so the OP can stop overnights. It's not no more overnights, it's no more overnights in the week because the twat can't take care of the DC and get her to school on time.

Fourormore · 09/12/2016 17:43

And what about the conflict that is likely to arise because of that, kitty? The OP's daughter just sucks it up?!

BubbleGumBubble · 09/12/2016 17:44

There is no court order so dady could just keep the children with him.

Nobody wants the OP to bend over backwards, is saying an 8 yo should be able to get up and dressed without a parent doing for them asking the mum to bend over backwards?

There is another thread going on about how most of the DHs are faffers and take so long to do stuff and are always late. That is currently full of "aww bless mines like that". Yet heres a bloke who is a bit of a crap time keeper losing out on seeing his kids because the OP cannot control how he parents his children. Hmm

WannaBe · 09/12/2016 17:44

And conversely the OP's ex can decide to keep the children if he wanted.

The OP has stated upthread that "he won't go to court." That's a pretty controlling attitude to have - that you can do what you want because the other party wouldn't challenge it. The thing is, what if he did? They're no longer together, divorce brings out all sorts in people, especially when it comes to reducing access to their children. If the ex went to court he would likely get 50/50 access if that was what he applied for. No court would reduce his access based on being 5/10 minutes late for school on three occasions.

And this attitude that the mother should be allowed to cut the father's access just because she can in the absence of a court order is a pretty awful one.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/12/2016 18:08

If the dad doesn't care enough about his daughter to get his arse out of bed to make sure she gets to school on the time then he should accept the consequences?

What kind of arsehole takes his daughter back to her mother's house still needing to be dressed and have her hair and teeth brushed because he just can't be arsed to get up in the morning?

It's appalling behaviour.

rookiemere · 09/12/2016 18:11

To those minimizing the lateness and calling the OP controlling, if it was such a tiny, little inconsequential thing, then why would the school bother writing to the OP about it?

DeepanKrispanEven · 09/12/2016 18:47

There's an awful lot of minimising on this thread to suit agendas. 5-15 minutes' lateness gets characterised as 5 minutes, and 4 lates out of a total of 17 days becomes a trivial "couple of late mornings". It's not acceptable, particularly when the only reason OP's daughter hasn't been late more often is that OP and DD have had to bust a gut to get her dressed and ready quickly when she's finally brought back and that only happens because the ex can't be arsed to sort out his daughter's uniform; and particularly when it continues to happen after a warning from the school.