to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

[ThisPasadenaHomemaker]

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

The issue here is that DD is getting stressed by the constant lateness. No, no, no to the PP who suggested you should go and fetch them! To be fair she probably wouldn't have suggested that if she'd known that X is using your car when he has them so you and the DCs would have to walk.

X needs to learn to manage the children and their routines, and getting the eldest (and eventually both of them) to school on time. He needs to understand that this is an important issue, getting them up and out of the house on time, and that DD is suffering because he is unable to do so. He can't even get DD dressed ffs!!
You should go into school and discuss with the head, and find out if she is showing signs of stress there as well as at home about the lateness. You can resolve this without stopping the DCs from seeing him - isn't the solution to stop/suspend the overnights, so they just spend the evening with him and he returns them to you for bed time? Your aim of course is for him to grow up and step up to the plate - would this backfire on you by him being happy to bring them back and not have the hassle of getting them up in the morning? If you think it will not backfire, send him a message/letter spelling all of this out, emphasising the stress and upset it is causing DD, and telling him that he is now "on probation" and that if he continues to be regularly late then overnights will be replaced with visits. Emphasise that you do not wish to stop the children seeing him, they love him, but DD is suffering, and that this is the only solution you can think of which resolves both issues. Say you understand there may be the odd time when it all goes wrong and he's late, and you wouldn't make a fuss about this, but it is a regular occurrence and it is clear that all he needs to do is get up earlier and be more organised, and if he can't do that for the DCs then it is not in their interests for there to be midweek overnight stays.

I agree that the DC should continue to see their DF school nights, but he has to sort out his morning regime, not only because the child is getting a late mark which distresses her, but because he should be putting the school morning routine way above any other activity the night before, which may affect that routine!
I would suggest, the very next time she's late for school on his watch, you ask the HT for a meeting, which he will be required to attend. The subject to be, school attendance and and punctuality, which should be hammered into him, until he understands how his attitude is affecting his daughter's education and peace of mind.....no punches pulled!

Absolutely she should have an alarm clock - she is old enough to have one at home as well and be able to tell it's time to get up and dressed. (Or a watch for Christmas?) At least then the poor thing won't be having to get dressed in a rush - that's one thing she can control.

Then talking to the school so they know why this is happening - they can both reassure her, which should reduce her stress levels, and hopefully read him the Riot Act about why this matters.

Have you considered the impact of her parents no longer having an amicable relationship on her? It's perfectly possible to manage her emotions without taking action that is just going to cause animosity and will be likely to place her in the middle of the conflict.

Can you change the overnight to Fridays? That way you get your free night without all the stress of the following morning.

Sorry but being with their Dad matters more than being occasionally late. Just forward the letters to him - school are used to separated families and children being late for all sorts of reasons

so it's 'good parenting' to teach a child that they can be persistently late to school? What would happen if that were a job? As a teacher, there is no option for me to be late to school and as a parent, you wouldn't be happy if I made a habit of it in all but an emergency situation. But it's OK for parents to teach their children sitting on the internet to 1am is fine and being a bit late is fine?

Parenting is all about boundaries. And setting children up for life. An average parent with no illness/disability/extenuating circumstance who can't do these things has no business parenting.

The OP isn't teaching her child that. The OP is teaching her child about the importance of being on time.
Being late to school isn't enough of a reason to stop contact.

My children haven't been late to school in five years. I would be pretty pissed off if that value I have instilled in them i.e. Not to be late for important things was being undermined because their lazy arse father couldn't be bothered to ensure they were there on time. Your school must be pretty slack red, ours would notice and it would be addressed in a child was late three times in one term and it's only three quarters of the way through.

I would stop the mid weeks OP, he's not getting them where they're supposed to be on time for his own selfish reasons.

Three late mornings isn't persistent lateness. Certainly not a justification to stop overnight contact.

And how late are we talking here? Ten minutes? An hour? Half the morning?

Surely if she was that stressed she wouldn't be slow in the mornings, she's old enough to realise that? I think an alarm clock is the way to go but there is no way I'd stop over night contact,imo that's not the way forward. If the school are aware of why it's happening they can reassure dd that she won't get into trouble if her dad is late.

Three late mornings isn't persistent lateness. Certainly not a justification to stop overnight contact

Completely agree.

It's actually four late mornings, so far.

As a temporary solution could you suggest you phoning at 6.30 / 7 on the mornings they are there to ensure everyone is up on time? Explain the alternative is school welfare getting involved.

I think it would be worth the effort of sending your DD with a set of uniform - she can dress herself and she'll be coming home in it that night so you'll have it back at yours to wash and use for the rest of the week.

Good luck with this guy .,, is he drinking at night which may make him sluggish in the mornings?

YABVU, You absolutely cannot stop contact because dd was late 3 times to school. In fact its fucking scary that people are agreeing with you. When he has dd it is up to him to get her to school on time or not. If the school writes to you, explain the situation and direct them to him. Unless your daughter is has a risk of real physical harm by going to her dads, you have no right to stop overnight access. Being stressed by turning up to school late doesnt cut it. And people really wonder why some mums get a bad name. How stressed is your child going to be with a direct cut in contact with her df. Far worse that being late to school 3 times.

I don't get the impression that OP is suggesting that she will stop contact altogether, just overnight midweek contact during school weeks. I'd have thought negotiating a change to a day when it won't cause all this stress to her older child is perfectly sensible.

YABU but so is he.

Nah. When my 8 year old daughter is so upset that she suggests getting an alarm clock so that she can get herself up and ready at her dad's house, I'm going to intervene to protect her and minimise her stress.

She is 8 and should be doing this anyway.
I would try the alarm clock option before you stop the contact tbh.
Have you though that stopping the mid week would stress your DD out more as she would blame herself for it?

So, how late is she then? And is she really that stressed or is your annoyance rubbing off on her?

Give it another couple of years and you'll be the one struggling to get her out of bed in the mornings and off to school.

And be careful what you wish for. If you withdraw overnight access and he takes you to court he could well get 50/50 which would mean every other weekend and two nights each week.

Bearing in mind that none of this is about the parent's rights, it's about the child's. The child has a right to an equal relationship with both parents. You don't have the right to harm that relationship or to remove access from the other parent.

I understand he's your ex and your bitterness towards him comes across in your posts TBH. But he's their father, and that isn't going to change. You can' t change him, nor can you dictate what he does, although you can make him fully aware of the consequences for DD if she is late and the school jump on it.

As I've already clarified, three late mornings from Sept-mid-Nov. Half a term. So 15+ for the whole school year

Other people night be fine with that level of slackness, it's not acceptable for me.

And regarding Ex blaming DD for being slow, it's his fault not hers. She just needs a bit of a push to finish breakfast sometimes and get ready. She constantly has her head in a book of left to her own devices

My morning routine:

6.00am: Up, get dressed, tea
06.30am: Lunch made - bags by the door
Uniform laid out on bed
7.30am: DD up
08.00am: DS up
08.25-08.30am: we leave the house
08.35-08.40am: arrive at school. Children are required to arrive no later than 08.45am.

Ex's routine

07.45am: alarm goes off. Hit snooze
08.00am: alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
08.15am: drag sorry arse out of bed
08.35am: put DC in car
08.45am: arrive here as the kids from neighbouring houses are already walking to school.
08.45am - 08.50am: DD gets dressed, brushes teeth, brushes hair, puts on coat at breakneck speed.
08.50am: leave house
08.50-09.00am: arrive at school. They are already in class doing the register at this time. She has to go to the office and be marked as late.

He's an intelligent man with a successful career. It's not that he is incapable of being organised, he chooses not to and causes unnecessary upset and stress to DD. That might be acceptable to some of you. It isn't to me.

And he wouldn't take me to court. He acknowledges that I am the main and better parent. He has said he wouldn't fight me if I moved to my home county with the DC. He's mostly a reasonable man, just not when faced with his own failings. And it would require the smallest of efforts from him to make this problem go away. He needs to make that effort.

Ex's routine

07.45am: alarm goes off. Hit snooze
08.00am: alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
08.15am: drag sorry arse out of bed
08.35am: put DC in car
08.45am: arrive here as the kids from neighbouring houses are already walking to school.
08.45am - 08.50am: DD gets dressed, brushes teeth, brushes hair, puts on coat at breakneck speed.
08.50am: leave house
08.50-09.00am: arrive at school

So if DD was already up, clean had breakfast and dressed before he brings them back to you she would be on time?
If so then why is that not happening?

*By the way he is at fault and should be on time but a solution other than cutting contact is needed.

So we're talking five minutes here? Five minutes and you're considering removing overnight access? And presumably it'll only be another eighteen months or so before DD can get herself to school in y6?

DD needs to take clean uniform to her dad's on the nights she stays. She needs an alarm clock so she can get up and dressed in time. Dropping off of DS needs to be purely drop and run.

And when compared, I'm afraid that a couple of five minute lateness episodes do not even compare to the prospect of removing mid week overnights, and you are the one who looks unreasonable.

Your coming across as unbearably controlling op. What he does with his children in his time with them is up to him. Not you. It may not be great parenting , you may totally disagree with his style parenting but unless your children are at real risk of physical harm you dont get to dictate it or stop contact. What sort of mother would cut their father out of their lives? Have you threatened your exdp to move half way round the country with his dc, thats fucking awful if you have.

It really doesn't matter how late she is. To DD, me or the school. She's late and that carries with it consequences.

And while I accept that DD can start being more independent and will buy her an alarm etc, at 8 she is still reliant on whichever parent she is with to get her where she needs to be on time. Unless you also think she should just leave the house and walk 2 miles across busy ring roads alone as I'm sure yours have since they were 3. It's all a bit Monty Python, MN sometimes 😂.

Have you threatened your exdp to move half way round the country with his dc, thats fucking awful if you have

Huh? Did I miss something? Where did this come from?

Your best course of action might be to go into the school and explain.

Say it's not you, but you would really appreciate help with getting your EX to get your DD to school on time.

I don't think anyone should miss out on their nights together. I also don't think it's fair for your daughter to be late.

Does he have to sign a late register when she goes in late? If so they can clearly see who is dropping her off that day.

Maybe suggest to the school that they write directly to him and c.c you in.

If it persists, ask school to initiate a meeting for you both with the head teacher so she can stress the consequences.

This way you are helping without stopping access, hopefully he will step up with the school hounding him. It's his responsibility to get her in on his days.

My ex was constantly late dropping my daughter off and I've been through similar.

Good luck

MissStein I've never suggested cutting contact. Just stopping him having them overnight on school days. He has them eow and it works fine. He just can't get her to school on time.