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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

166 replies

ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:10

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 09:46

Think of it this way - if you were together and your children were sometimes late for school then no one would take the children and stop them from seeing you.

However I would let school know which nights he has then so school get onto him rather than you.

Dagnabit · 09/12/2016 09:46

I think having a word with the Head might be the proactive thing to do...maybe ask them to give you an opportunity to sort things out but least if they're aware, they can be more supportive to your dd so she doesn't feel so worried about it. Then tell ex what you have done, tell him that he has one more chance to step up, otherwise he can only have access on non school nights. Hopefully, he will get his act together.

As for the suggestions that you run round after him...what? He's a grown man and a father, and quite capable of getting up on a morning. He's being a dick.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 09:46

I think she is going to have to get dressed in her uniform at his house- take a clean uniform with her the evening before. Then he can drop her off first, then drop your DS off at yours.

I think you need to say to him that he has one more chance, but that if there is another late episode, the contact arrangements need to be looked at.

You could try going to family mediation to avoid this becoming too nasty. With the help of a mediator, you can hopefully come to some sort of arrangement.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:47

RedHelen here's a concept you may find mind-blowing: my DC could see their dad AND have it not affect their education if he behaved like a grown up.

I presume you only know useless men and therefore feel like it's a mothers job to always pick up their slack.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 09:51

No not at all but I do know that kids want to see BOTH their parents Best advice my Dad gave me when I split with my husband was you cannot make him the father you want him to be just be the mother you want to be. That does not mean that things dont annoy me but it doesnt affect my life as much, we just get on with it.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 09:54

Nah. When my 8 year old daughter is so upset that she suggests getting an alarm clock so that she can get herself up and ready at her dad's house, I'm going to intervene to protect her and minimise her stress.

That's what being a parent is.

OP posts:
Dagnabit · 09/12/2016 09:55

RedHelen, I think you've missed the point that this situation is affecting his dd by making her anxious about being late for school? Maybe read through the thread? OP isn't suggesting cutting contact completely, just on school nights because he has proved he can't be relied on and it's bang out of order!

Soubriquet · 09/12/2016 09:56

Fair enough. Red

I guess he won't ever be that dad who puts his children first. As long as he gets to stay up till 1 playing his computer games it's ok right?

Never mind that his own daughter is distressed at being late and he's comfortable enough to blame her for it.

She can be the best mother she can be by keeping her children at home in the week so they get to school on time

WannaBe · 09/12/2016 09:57

I wouldn't suggest the OP run round after him. That being said, it is preferable to the OP stopping contact and the potential court case and breakdown of an amicable co parenting relationship which could follow.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 09/12/2016 09:57

I can see why he's your ex OP. Sounds like a typical manchild.

JellyBelli · 09/12/2016 09:59

Strategic Incompetence.
If you went to pick her up, how would it help? You'd just be standing there banging on the door for hours.

Go on, ask me how I know Hmm

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 10:00

As I've said Wannabe it's really not what I want. The shared time works really well except for this one important issue.

I don't know how else to make him step up than by suggesting he stops having them Sad.

He knows he's in the wrong. That's why he verbally lashed out at me this morning when I was perfectly calm. He has always done this when confronted with his own shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 10:08

Nah. When my 8 year old daughter is so upset that she suggests getting an alarm clock so that she can get herself up and ready at her dad's house, I'm going to intervene to protect her and minimise her stress

Is this an option? It's not good to put all the responsibility on the shoulders of an 8 year old, but it could reduce her stress levels if she had her own alarm clock and could get ready there. Also, if she could take her clean uniform in a bag (probably only needs to be clean underwear and clean blouse rather than the full uniform) so that she can get dressed there as well. I think if you drastically stopped the overnights, she might blame herself (kids always do) and you said that the children enjoyed going. This way she has some control of the situation.

In the meantime, your (completely selfish and useless) ex needs to learn to fricking get up in the morning. Yes, give your DD some autonomy in terms of the alarm clock, but that idiot can't lie in bed pressing snooze and leave his kids to it. That is why I suggested mediation. He needs to hear the truth in a controlled environment- otherwise he will just run out, slamming the door.

YorkiesGlasses · 09/12/2016 10:09

Just make sure the school know which days he is their responsibility so that you don't end up having to take his meetings for him too.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 10:11

Maybe mediation might be the way forward if he is agreeable to that? I dont know, we re all outsiders BUT being late occasionally really isn't the end of the world. If he want getting her to school at all that would be another matter.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 10:12

She was late three times in half of one term RedHelen. That's not occasional.

Beginning to think you might be my Ex Hmm.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 10:15

Just make sure the school know which days he is their responsibility so that you don't end up having to take his meetings for him too

This too. You're joint parents. HE needs to feel the consequences of being consistently late, HE needs to be hauled in front of the head to explain, HE needs to be the one threatened with sanctions. At the moment, there are no consequences for him. You need to ask the school to work with you on this and crack down on him rather than you.

DearMrDilkington · 09/12/2016 10:16

These comments are ridiculousHmm.

Yanbu! If your dd is getting worried and upset over being late, then something needs to change. If his incapable of getting up on time and going to bed at a sensible time, then his lost his right to have her midweek.

I guarantee if you started dropping her off late he'd be pissed about it. Until he can be a grown up and get his child to school on time(like every other parent in the world manages!!), then he can't have her in the week.

Original poster
ThisPasadenaHomemaker · 09/12/2016 10:16

creaky totally agree. Will make an appt to speak to school and explain the whole thing.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 10:16

BUT being late occasionally really isn't the end of the world. If he want getting her to school at all that would be another matter

Well, it's VERY annoying for the school and some schools impose penalties and sanctions, not to mention the poor DD who has to face the teacher being moany about it. Can be very stressful for an 8 yo.

DearMrDilkington · 09/12/2016 10:19

Tbh he sounds like his just trying to cause issues for you anyway, doesn't sound like he gives a crap about his dd. If he did he would have got up on time after the first time she was upset about being late.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 10:20

As a teacher 3 lates in a half term sounds about normal for maybe half a class to me. Usually each class has up to 5 children who are persistently late.

DearMrDilkington · 09/12/2016 10:21

It also must be so embarrassing for an 8yo to explain to her teacher that she's late because her lazy arse dad stays up playing computer games all night and then he can't wake up in the morning.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2016 10:22

if it went to court I really cant see the status quo being changed tbh. You cant just unilaterally change contact but certainly start a discussion about whether it would be easier not to have an overnight stay and just go for their tea instead.

LouBlue1507 · 09/12/2016 10:24

YABU - DD is hardly late all the time, 3 times in 8 weeks is not a lot at all.
He's her father and you have no right to stop overnights! You'd likely start a huge custody fight which would be a lot more stressful for your DD than being a bit late for school!

As for her getting an alarm clock, why the hell not? At 8 years old of course she can wake herself up and get dressed ready for school, would probably be really good for her and teach her some independence.

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