to stop Ex having the DC midweek?

[ThisPasadenaHomemaker]

Up till now we've been very amicable and have been co-parenting really well together but I'm so angry with him right now.

He has the DC one weeknight one week and then two the next. He is almost always late bringing them back. DD is in her pyjamas when they get here. She gets dressed etc and then Ex takes her to school. Late. A few weeks ago I got a letter from school about her being late three times this term, all on 'his' mornings. . I spoke to Ex and he vowed to buck himself up and get her here earlier. Which he did for a few weeks and then today they were late again.

I asked him why they were late. He said DD had been slow getting up and that it was the first time it had happened since the letter. I said it shouldn't happen at all at which point he cursed at me and slammed the door. DS said "Daddy too noisy".

I am so fed up with his lazy carcass making DD late. She gets stressed out about it and is a bit of a worrier anyway. He stays up late playing video games and then hits snooze on his alarm when it goes off. I could see from WhatsApp that he was up till 1am. He's a lazy gobshite.

As much as I would hate to lose my free evening, I feel like it would be better for DD to stay with me through the week and not have to worry about getting to school on time.

AIBU?

Nobody is minimising it but instead trying to find solutions so that the OP does not cut contact. Its not like he sees them 50% of the time as it is.

Then he should make more of an effort when he does see her. This is a grown man we're talking about, he sounds pathetic.

But how does claiming that 15 minutes' lateness is 5 minutes and 25% lateness is "a couple of late mornings" help OP to find solutions, Bubble?

This isn't at all about the Dad "accepting the consequences". It is the child's right to have a relationship with her father and the OP is suggesting that she should restrict that.
I don't think anyone thinks repeated episodes of lateness is a mark of great parenting but the OPs suggestion is over the top and, as I keep saying, likely to create conflict between the parents and that is far worse for the daughter than occasionally being a few minutes late.

I'm sure plenty of exes sound pathetic when you only have one side of the story, Writer.

I agree with the OP if he can't be bothered to get his lazy ass out of bed on time to get his DD to school then he shouldn't be allowed to have his kids midweek. If he's responsible enough to get himself to work on time then he should be responsible enough to be able to get his DD to school on time.

Deep posters have also suggest that the DD has an alaem and gets up and dressed to stop her needing to go to mums and do it therefore she can go straight to school.
Posters have also suggested she speak to the school.

I would hate to have to tell my child i reduced the time she spent with her dad because he was late 3 times in a term.

Yes dad is crap at time keeping nobody is disputing that but for the OP to decide that is enough for her to take the children away (he will see them even less) from a dad they love is is also crap.

I'm with you OP, getting to school on time is a fundamental aspect of parenting and being on time for important things like work is a fundamental aspect of being an adult. I'd move his midweek day to a Friday or Saturday so that he still has the same time with his kids but the impact on his kids of his disorganisation is removed.

Maybe she could still go to her dad's for the evening after school but then come home to spend the night at her mum's house. She wouldn't really be missing out on time with her dad as she'd only have been sleeping there and seeing him for 5 minutes in the morning whilst he drives her home in her pyjamas.

I imagine if the daughter is as upset and distressed as OP says she is then she'd probably prefer to stay with her mom anyway.

The other side of the coin to minimising is exaggerating ridiculously. Like talking about the child's right to have a relationship with the father, when no one has suggested otherwise. Simply that he can't have her sleep over on a school night if he's too fucking lazy to get her up and ready in a morning. It's awful for children who are late for school. And school are definitely bothered about 3 out of 16 lates. Obviously.

Writer that sounds eminently sensible. Also it's what the OP actually posted about.

I'm not exaggerating at all. The OP has no right to be significantly reducing contact over something so minor. And I'm sorry but it is minor. Children's Services wouldn't even entertain this kind of thing. It is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

School need to take it up with the child's father but seriously what are they going to do? Report him to the Education Welfare Officer? The person that deals with persistent absence? Parents that genuinely don't give a shite about their child's education? Give me a break.

Starlight “Gosh ..You have had a hard time on this thread and relatively few seem to think ex has any blame”

I do not think that is true. I think lots of posters have supported the OP and even those of us who think that she is being unreasonable in wanting to reduce overnight midweek contact have also said the ex is in the wrong for not getting the child in on time. I don’t know of anyone on the thread who has thought the ex is doing the right thing! He sounds like a lazy arse but the OP has said he is a good dad aside from that or that the relationship of co-parenting has worked well aside from this (or words to that affect).

And “My DS year 5 has never been late for school once. He would be mortified to be signed in late and then have to walk in the class.”

To be honest, Starlight, I personally do not see an inability to be late or extreme unhappiness of being late as a good thing. My father-in-law hates being late, I love him dearly but, in the early months and years of knowing dh, I found it really stressful that FIL did not want to be late at all and all family activities felt a bit stressful (I come from a family who were late a lot!). Then a few years ago FIL was spectacularly late (possibly through no fault of his own) for something quite important (family wedding) and now seems to have eased up. Maybe he has realised that in the grand scheme of things being late is not the end of the world. (He is in his seventies – good to learn this lesson earlier in life, I think!).

Scarydinosaurs “italian sorry- doesn't make sense- OP said he hands it back to her dirty to clean.” Yes, that was what I thought, and it is not great but as I pointed out the OP would be cleaning all the uniforms if she was doing all the school drop off and pickups and, if so, she would not get one or two nights off a week.

IF the Op is a stay at home parent and IF the ex works full time and pays proper maintenance I can kind of see why it may be harder for him to do some stuff and why he may find it harder to get the uniform cleaned. I only work part time and my dh works full time and our house seems to be constantly in a state and always full of clean and dirty laundry (and we only have two kids). So although he should be able to do it, I would not break mid week overnight contact over this, and it does seem the uniform is a big part of this lateness issue.

If there does need to be a new set of uniform bought then the ex could buy it. My kids have ended up with multiple sets, some hand me downs from friends etc. It was too stressful when dd started secondary only having minimal uniform and the secondary uniform is about three or four times the cost of primary! So eventually I think this man will need to learn to put on a wash cycle!

I am with BubbleGumBubble on this… “Who is the GF Kitty?”

I think you speak to the school and ask them to deal direct with their Dad over this issue.

You do get your DD her own alarm clock and help her pack an overnight bag to include her school uniform etc. Empowering her your DD will make her feel better (I can't imagine she wants to stop staying with her dad) and will also give your ex absolutely not excuses for his laziness/poor parenting in the mornings.

I don't think you come out of this at all well OP. You have clearly decided in your own mind that your Ex is not as good a parent as you, not as important as you, and that only your way is right. Yes, you've said on the thread he's a good father etc but it is very clear you're only saying that to try and look reasonable and don't mean it! If you did mean it, you wouldn't be considering reducing access for the reasons stated (which, if this went to court would receive short shrift from a judge, I can tell you).

You clearly have a bee in your bonnet about this. I suspect your DD is anxious about being late partly (or indeed wholly) because you are conveying that this is a terrible thing, and that her father is in the wrong...

There are simple solutions here. Just send her to his house with a clean uniform each time that she can change into when she gets up (you're a SAHM, so surely that's not a problem?), get her an alarm clock if she wants one, or a mobile phone with an alarm on. Ex takes her straight to school and you meet him there to take your DS. Alternatively, as you say it's your car (was this a jointly used vehicle pre split?Assuming your Ex can't now afford his own car due to having to house himself, pay maintenance etc?) then you drop DC to their Dads, with change of clothes, on contact nights (that's pretty standard in many contact arrangements where only one parent has transport) and then pick them up in the morning, and take DD straight to school.

Both of which are far simpler solutions than reducing access, and will cause no distress to your DC (unlike reducing access).

But I suspect you will just cut out the weeknights, just to make a point that you're the better parent. All because a child was late 3 times (and it's suggested only 5-10 mins late at that). How many times has she been late this half term? Presumably you will know this from what time she leaves your house? Has she had any sickness absence from school? (ime, schools are much more concerned about full days off than lateness).