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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

186 replies

MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 17:00

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

OP posts:
2014newme · 08/12/2016 17:03

Go to the counselling. Minor issues have become major irritants.
He needs to be more considerate. Have you tried being assertive rather than passive aggressive?

Soubriquet · 08/12/2016 17:03

That's bloody ridiculous

How rude of him! That would piss me off. Has he no restraint or even consideration for you?

If the labelled boxes don't work you will have to get a lockable box in the fridge and cupboard.

LittleSausageFingers · 08/12/2016 17:04

YANBU in my opinion. You've tried asking him, telling him, explaining to him. If this is what he's driven you to then so be it. It sounds really tough OP Flowers

Timeforteaplease · 08/12/2016 17:06

I like your solution!

Suppermummy02 · 08/12/2016 17:07

Maybe a fridge lock would help, or even separate fridges. Split your food money in two and let him buy his own stuff.

rollonthesummer · 08/12/2016 17:08

That is extremely irritating! DH knows not to leave me without stuff for tea and toast for breakfast and will go out to the garage at midnight to replenish stocks rather than risk it!

I would have secret cartons of longlife stashed (inkneo some people hate it but it doesn't bother me) for emergencies but you need a proper solution. He's being very selfish.

What does he do when all the food has gone?

2rebecca · 08/12/2016 17:09

That's not passive aggressive as you are stating what you are doing clearly and telling him that half the food is yours and to stop being so greedy.
I agree he is just greedy and being obese is not an excuse for eating all the food so there is none left. I would be telling him to do his own shopping if he wants more food but that he doesn't need more food.
Has he always been greedy? What has changed?

DisneyMillie · 08/12/2016 17:12

I think it's selfish of him to leave you with nothing for yourself but at the same time he shouldn't have to limit what he eats / have you control his intake.

If you can afford it just buy more. I personally don't think £70 for 2 people is that much assuming you shop at a "normal" not budget supermarket.

Soubriquet · 08/12/2016 17:13

You don't think £70 a week for two adults is enough? Confused

We spend around £60 for a family of 4!

DisneyMillie · 08/12/2016 17:14

(If he really wants to lose weight that's up to him - not you)

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 08/12/2016 17:17

I would buy a new fridge with a lock on it. Smile

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2016 17:17

It's not passive aggressive, it's necessary since you're living with a greedy person who takes more than his fair share.

There's a thread on here somewhere with a link to a 'fridge safe'. I'll see if I can find it.

he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

That ^^ (his weight) is a separate issue though. You'll find lots of Mumsnetters struggle to 'stick to what they're saying' when they say they're going to lose weight, as it's not an easy thing to do.

However, that doesn't give him the right to leave you without.

MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 17:19

Thank you for understanding.

Thankfully he doesn't touch the evening meal stuff like veg and fresh meat so we always have something to eat for dinner everyday (we meal plan for evening dinner) - it's just the day stuff he seems to binge on, e.g. Stuff I eat! I end up either begrudgingly going to the shop or eating freezer food or pasta or something. So it's not like I'm starving but it's just annoying.

It's also embarrassing when my mum or MiL come round unexpectedly and I'm restricted by what I can make for them. One time my mum opened the fridge at the start of the week and said "god your fridge is so empty, don't you spend money on food", I was too embarassed to say "yes but Mr Wigwam has eaten it all" .

I like to have cartoned juice in the house for guests as I think it's a nicer drink to offer, but have given up on that now as he will drink it all within days.

We even stopped buying certain unhealthy things like biscuits and crisps but I thought to myself why should I deprive myself of having a treat just because he can't control himself. Also, as per earlier, it was just getting embarrassing not having these sorts of things in the house when kids/ siblings etc came over.

He has a really unhealthy relationship with food and it's one of the main things I want addressing in the counselling

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 17:19

If you do have to resort to a lock box, it's time for him to seek therapy for his eating issues, and his can't be arsed to go to the shop issues.

I'd walk away rather than have to lock up my own food.

mumonashoestring · 08/12/2016 17:20

Finishing things he knows you'll want/need in the morning is just plain inconsiderate, but:

He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything

So are you sure you're buying enough in your weekly shop to feed both of you? I know that if DH mysteriously vanished overnight and I only had to shop for me and DS I could easily halve the amount I'd need to buy; DH is a big chap and a regular gym-goer so has a big appetite. It would be thoughtless of me to try and force him to eat less by buying less then complaining when he finished things if that makes sense? I certainly wouldn't be impressed if he arbitrarily decided I should be eating less. If he's not putting on weight at an alarming rate then maybe you do need to rethink the shopping a bit.

But as I said to start with, leaving you without and not seeing a problem with it is just not on.

ElspethFlashman · 08/12/2016 17:21

It's not passive aggressive anyway, cos that's when you don't say what you really mean.

This is very clear and it's after a good deal of previous discussion.

I think it's a sensible solution. However, I'm not sure he won't eat it all anyway as he clearly doesn't give a shit.

mumonashoestring · 08/12/2016 17:21

Ah, crossposted!

AndShesGone · 08/12/2016 17:23

If he's not overweight then you (as a couple) are not buying enough food. Confused That seems obvious to me. If he's round like Santa then I'm talking shite Grin

We spend over a hundred a week on food for the two of us. Dh runs 30 miles a week and is slim and healthy, he eats probably 4 times as much as me and snacks on bread/cheese/hummus/fruit/veg constantly.

LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 17:25

From OP earlier:

The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything.

MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 17:26

Sorry I should mention the following re weight;

When he was a teenager he was overweight for his age (have seen photos).
When he was 18 he discovered the gym and became very lean and built. He has still retained his muscular shape thanks to the 7 years or so he focused on his body.

I would say that he started over eating again a few years ago. Because of said muscle shape, he carries his excess weight well, if anything you would probably describe him as stocky looking. He plays football too.
Sometimes my sister will say to him "you look like you've lost weight" !!

I do believe that he's an emotional eater - I'm the opposite - which is probably why it's difficult for me to comprehend. Hopefully the counselling will really help in respect of this.

OP posts:
WouldHave · 08/12/2016 17:27

AndShesGone, did you read the OP? OP's husband is overweight, and isn't running. And over £100 a week on food for two is really quite a lot!

Soubriquet · 08/12/2016 17:27

I hope the councilling will help you too

I must admit I wouldn't be able to have the patience for my Dh if he didn't respect me enough to consider food for me

Unwrapped · 08/12/2016 17:29

Not PA if you've already asked him and he carries on doing it. Have you told him clearly eg 'please leave me 4 slices of bread and half the ham for tomorrow'?

Also, can you not shop more often? Once a week seems restrictive. I get fresh bread and milk every couple of days and anything else we're out of. DH is happy to pick things up on his way home from work too.

I think there's a fine line between expecting food left for your meals (totally reasonable) and being too controlling about what he eats. He's an adult, he contributes money towards the food, if he wants to eat more he should be able to. Can you buy cheaper staple foods but more of them? Encourage him to eat more fruit, veg, yogurt etc rather than use up all your bread?

Something I do is keep a loaf in the freezer (frozen in portions) so we never run out, and a few cartons of UHT milk.

BabyGanoush · 08/12/2016 17:30

Even if he's overweight, you just need to buy more food.

Bigger packets of ham/cheese/coleslaw

Buy more milk, it's cheap, and keep a small uht carton in the cupboard for emergency.

In return, he needs to be more considerate!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 08/12/2016 17:32

He IS overweight, though. My ex used to do this - anything from cheese, ham, potato salad etc through to crisps and biscuits. He smoked copious amounts of weed and would polish off entire packets of cookies or multi packs of crisps in one sitting due to the munchies.

Not only was it a financial drain, but especially irritating as he was stick thin....

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