Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

[MrsWigWam]

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

*full thread.

Dailyfail he is not a bodybuilder. He used to go the gym between 18 and 25 where he did weights and trained. He is now 36 and does not train.

He doesn't eat 18 eggs everyday, that's just one example of his after-work culinary pieces.

£70 to me feels like a lot. We are not alcohol drinkers and so we don't buy anything from the supermarket other than groceries and toiletries, although sometimes we will buy things like beans, toilet paper etc in bulk if they are on offer so it can sometimes go up to £90-100.

In terms of buying more, I nearly always say "shall i get 2 of these so that they last us the week" and his response will usually be "no thanks babe I want to eat less this week"... 2 days later that one pot I bought will be finished.

We collectively discussed his snacking and bought loads of rice cakes and nuts for him to snack on one week. They are still in the kitchen cupboard.

He said that he can't resist white bread and that he wants to stop eating it, I said "shall I buy some brown" as a way of helping you, he replied "yes good idea, because I won't touch that".
But he started eating that too.

I always offer if there's something else that I can add to the shopping list or if he wants more of something but he usually says no. If I try to use my gut and buy more of something, its use by date approaches he has said a few times that it's then my fault for over-buying, and if it wasn't in the fridge he wouldn't have eaten it. Of course inside I roll my eyes at this but I don't say anything to him as I don't want to have an argument. Since my DS was born I let a lot slide.

Sometimes he'll get really down about his eating and the fact that his clothes don't fit him well anymore and he will take it out on me unfairly. An example of this is if he rings me from work and asks what we should have dinner, I say how about chicken in pasta with a Dolmio sauce?, He will say "oooh that sounds nice, love you" etc. We have it, an hour later, he's feeling down and then will say "can you stop buying Dolmio sauces, they've got way too much salt in them, you know I need to cut down but you're making it hard for me to".
Once, I replied "you could afford to have some dolmio if you cut out the junk you snack on, also if you reduced your portion size, you will have eaten less salt" etc. This resulted in an argument. Now if he says something similar I just don't say anything

OP
Have you discussed this with your GP in his absence? He looks like suffering from anxiety and some kind of eating disorder. I don't think this can be solved if you act alone. He needs medical help if this is true.

If he's that anxious to cut down on salt he needs to keep off the crisps. Can you stop buying those at least?

I agree valentine it sounds like an eating disorder, only eating egg whites even though the eggs/cholesterol connection has been debunked, eating quite a narrow range of food but then worrying about nutrition.

You could go into hollandaise sauce production with all those wasted yolks. Does he seriously just throw away all those yolks? That's almost as obscene as all those posters who say you should just keep buying more food.

There's more salt in bread than crisps. People always forget about bread, not that salt is bad for us anyway if your blood pressure is normal. Something else that's been debunked.

stop pandering to him op, seriously!

why aren't you insisting he take personable responsibility for his food and its consumption?

I'm not trying to pander him, I'm trying different ways of trying to help him in the hope that he'll come to his own realisation.

When I raise these issues with him or give him home truths about his habits, it ends in arguments. I just don't want anymore arguments

Tell him no one is forcing him to eat Dolmio sauce and he is welcome to cook his own meals.

Seriously, stop cooking for this selfish arse.

you won't have as many arguments if you let him help himself.

The posters who talk about him presumably not taking all the food at work have a good point. Does he go and neck all the milk and eat all the biscuits there? Rummage through other people's lunches? I am going to guess not.

People often have behaviours where they don't have full control but they do have some degree of control, and it can be very telling who they direct them at. It's like when people act out anger after they've been mistreated, if they choose to do it to a loved one or child rather than some man mountain on the street, there's a reason for that. If he's not eating all the food he's around all day at work OP, that means he has at least some degree of control over this and he has decided that you, and subsequently your DS when you are weaning, are ok to go without bread and milk because his desire to eat it all is more important.

Gosh, he's making things very hard for you OP.

You can't do right for doing wrong.

I also appreciate you haven't the energy for arguments right now.

I would start buying LESS. At least then if he wants to make an omelette there won't be all those eggs in the house.

I think you definitely have to get the lockable fridge/box of some kind. Would also get some powdered milk in for emergencies. Not that you should have to, and it's not as nice as fresh, but it was my solution to my milk constantly being swiped by useless selfish stoner housemates at uni. It doesn't lend itself half so well to swigging. It just means if you have to schlep yourself and baby on what will be near enough an hour's round trip so you can eat breakfast, you'll at least get to have a coffee beforehand.

Agree with PPs who've identified your DH has an eating disorder.

You can't do anything about him wanting to change. You can only do whatsmin your control.

I'm with Elspeth on buying less. I'd buy the bread you want and hide it in the back of the freezer for you, and then clear the fridge and cupboards down. Don't replace processed stuff he mindlessly grazes on, and if you want to have treats or bits in for when you have guests, I'm afriad you should hide them. Buy juice from the ambient aisle and hide those as well for when guests come. Sounds dreadful to need to have a stash of food in a bag hidden at the back of the cleaning cupboard (last place my OH would go) but if it means he hasn't got access to mindless grazing then that might help.

You say you make enough for up to 5 or 6 portions - could you cook less? I find things like frozen diced onion, frozen Atlantic prawns etc are great for portion controlling - only what you need. Maybe make enough for 3 portions - so he can go back for 2nds but that's it.

He also sounds like he needs to finish what's in his plate - any chance you could buy a set of slightly smaller plates? Plate size has increased something like 40-60% over time (don't know exact stat and cba to find reference!) but people who eat off big plates/big bowls etc eat far more.

I wouldn't discuss any this with him, if he mentions there being no bread say you're going on a health kick and don't want carby salty processed stuff in the house to tempt you. Say something vague about baby weight.

Another tip - I used to do this at uni when I lived with milk finishing monsters - freeze milk into ice cube trays. Use a cube for your morning tea/coffee - it works an absolute treat and cools your coffee down so can drink straight away.

He sounds like a greedy pig. I would have problems with him too.

I would start shopping a day or so at a time. It might feel like a pain to start with but the current set up isn't working anyway. Shop in the morning and buy what you need for lunch, dinner and breakfast. Prep/start cooking dinner before he gets home so he can't just have a 9 egg (WTF!!!) omelette.

If that doesn't work then I don't know what you can do. It's fairly clear that he doesn't give a stuff about how you feel. What a selfish and entitled twat. I wouldn't put up with it.

As he admits that he wants to eat less, you could suggest that he keeps a food diary. I might help him to realise how much he is actually eating and would be something to show the GP if he is not able to manage his diet by himself.

Also, I would do a decent size dinner with a good portion of protein and plenty of veg (only a small portion of potatoes/rice/pasta).

Pasta with dolmio sauce is a bit of a crap dinner nutrition wise.

So he says he can't help himself

I bet he doesn't help himself to his colleagues food at work does he?

He CAN help himself. He just doesn't want to and it's easier to blame you

What would happen if you were to buy less food OP? Would he simply eat all of it, start cooking a second tea with the meat and veg he's been ignoring so far? Does he ever do any shopping himself midweek?

All other things aside, if the person who was supposed to love me used all the milk so there was none left for my first coffee of the day, I'd flip out and they'd be grovelling or moving out. No one messes with that first coffee.

I think his eating has been disordered for a long time. He swapped overeating to a very restricted diet whilst training and now he has moved back to overeating.

He has an unhealthy relationship with food and I don't think the way that he lost weight last time necessarily shows an improvement. Both ways of eating were extreme but just different ends of the scale.

He needs professional help with this.

Sorry but his knowledge of nutrition is outdated and very wrong. Low sugar and higher fat diets are very filling. Egg yolks contain the nutuition and the fat. The white are pointless. No wonder he can eat 9 of them. He had gotten into a mindset of low fat and this is leading to cravings.

This is about poor food choices. He needs reeducating on latest nutrition advice. Cholesterol is not of concern in foods as our bodies produce is own cholesterol. Eating less will not effect cholesterol counts.

I can't believe all of the posts suggesting things like:

'You need to buy more food'
'You need to freeze some milk and bread for emergencies'
'You need to shop a few days at a time'

Why is it all on the OP to control his eating? £70 is enough food for two people, I spend that on 2 adults and 2 kids and its plenty, plus he presumably has legs of his own so he can walk to the shop to buy more food himself if he really needed it! The op needing to eat lunch is not an emergency, he's leaving his wife with no food...how can that be deemed an emergency?

It seems like he knows the eating is a problem and that's why he doesn't want to argue about it, truth hurts and all that! However, he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his own actions to prevent the arguments in the first place.

Who says he doesn't steal food at work? If he could do it without getting caught, then why not? Somebody steals the food at work in most workplaces! Besides which, if he has this awful craving and feeling of tension all day at work which takes all his willpower to avoid acting on, then that appalling tension has to be released in a massive explosion of omelette eating at some point. It is not remotely a sign of respecting work colleagues more than his own family and far more to do with home being the place of safety where he can hold the appalling tension in no longer. And of course he doesn't buy stuff on his way home to feed the habit, because he doesn't want to be that pathetic, but then when it comes down to it, he confirms to himself that he is that disgusting pig everyone on here thinks he is, who cannot control himself. It's absolutely classic disordered comfort eating. And classic that he finds it difficult to confront and verbalise how horrible it makes him feel, so tries to sweep it under the carpet or blame someone else whilst mumbling a bit about needing to lose some weight.

Reading your replies I actually feel sorry for him, it sounds like a compulsive problem of his. That could be why he's so defensive when you approach him about it. I still don't think you're being unreasonable by partitioning yourself off some food but I do think you need to try and do it in a way that isn't accusatory or that makes him feel like a child. Berating him would probably just reduce his self esteem even more and entrench him further into his disordered eating. Might be a good thing to broach with a counsellor.