Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

[MrsWigWam]

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

It does sound as if you are not buying enough and/or the right kind of food to satisfy both of you. £70 per week seems a very modest budget for food.

A big muscular man like your husband will have a big appetite and it is easy to under estimate his calorific requirements if you are much smaller than he is. Men generally need more calories than women to sustain weight anyway.

If he is physically active, he might benefit from increasing protein in his diet, either by consuming high protein foods and/or protein supplement drinks. This has the benefit of reducing his appetite as well as maintaining his muscular frame.

Having said that, you might find that taming his appetite will not solve your problems and you will find other reasons to be irritated by him. You might also find that he is irritated by your need to control his eating habits!

Holy shitballs that is an absolutely OBSCENE amount of food!

I was going to post to say that my DP is like this, but at least he goes to the shop and replaces it, which is a suitable punishment for his crimes.

But I'd be fit to be tied if I was in your position!

YADNBU.

9 egg omelette for one person is ridiculous! Two 9 egg omelettes is staggering.

Even my ravenous 18yo DS wouldn't eat more than a 4 egg omelette in one go.

I hate to think about his bowel function!

Baylisiana, thank you, you are right.

I'm actually quite sad that I didn't think that this was an eating disorder - of course it is, I should've seen that. Ironically I have experience with eating disorders as I had a close friend who was at the extreme opposite end of the spectrum and I helped her through it

Op tell your dh he can spend 6 months in my mum dads house and guarantee you he will be stick thin. His belly will have to shrink. He will not get a chance to go near the kitchen as my mother lives in it. I should give this diet a name but I don't want to out myself. RESULTS GUARANTEED!!

I am going to eat all of this. I know that you have it for breakfast and now will have no breakfast. I don't care that you now will have no breakfast. I know that this is what you would have had for your lunch tomorrow. I don't care that you've got nothing for your lunch tomorrow, I don't care if you eat or not or that you'll have to traipse out to find food if you want to eat. I don't care if you're hungry because I am going to eat everything and leave nothing for you for tomorrow. Because you. Don't. Matter. More. Than. Food.

This^^

Eating disorder or not, he's being a selfish, inconsiderate wank. Does he eat other people's lunches out of the fridge in work? No? Just yours? So he can control himself if he has to, you're just not worth the effort.

There needs to always be enough bread in the house for you both to have toast whenever you want it. One sliced loaf in freezer for emergencies. Having said that, I wonder if you actually need to have less food at a time in your fridge. Nine eggs in an omelet for one person is incredible, it's a wonder you have a frying pan big enough! And to have that twice as well as supper is just not a good idea. He must fart horrifically have dreadful digestive problems.

You've just had his baby...he should be serving your coffee and toast to you in bed daily, not scoffing it last thing at night with no thought for you. This lack of care and consideration for you because his own 'need' dominates, isn't right. He sounds very selfish. And he's going to make himself very ill. Which is sad, as it sounds as though he needs it psychologically, to fill some kind of hole as well as his cake hole He is compelled. He needs to go on that programme Secret Eaters, where people are always astonished when they are shown how much they actually eat and it is always much more than they thought.

But if he wants to overeat that is his choice. There needs to be enough in the house for you to eat as well though. Try getting stuff he doesn't like salad and just not buying that many eggs.

But I would tell him directly that no you don't want to argue about milk, but that if he selfishly leaves you without your breakfast again, then yes, arguing will happen!

Almond nuts are good at suppressing hunger. Lots of protein and veg is good. I think the problem he has is that the food he is eating is processed and addictive he will crave but after a couple of days it goes. Lose the carbs and he will drop the weight.

MrsWigWam - the good news is that your dh has managed to bring this under control before, if he was an obese teen and then lost a lot of weight. He's probably not feeling one hell of a lot of love for himself at the moment, so to know you are on his side and want to help for the sake of his health and your future together would be preferable to thinking you want to punish him for his selfishness.

I had this problem.

I finally sorted it out when I sat DH down and said: "I am waking up in a morning and there is nothing for me to eat. The fridge is empty. I am going hungry. This has to stop."

It was only at that point, when I had taken time out to precisely say something in a calm and clear voice, that he actually "got it". Up until that point, I think he thought I was just "wittering" about there being no bread and he shut his ears off.

It took a while to properly sort it out though. We had to buy a chest freezer, and I moved onto UHT for milk for my tea. But now DH notices if there isn't anything for me to eat for breakfast or lunch, and he will go out and restock.

It just took that "my wife is going hungry" realisation for him to realise what he was doing. I had to rephrase it in a way that made an impact on him.

As regards what he eats, I'm afraid I doubt you can have any sway there. Changing those habits have to come from him alone.

What I will say is that it all depends on what kind of work he does, and whether what he is eating is actually causing him to crave more. If someone is eating an omelette with 9 eggs, then I'd suggest they were craving fat, protein or a certain vitamin. Again, a lot of muscle mass requires quite a lot of support, and four bowls of cereal is not the way to go about it. He may very well be stuck in a cycle of eating too much sugar, and not enough protein and fat, so he ends up eating more sugar to compensate.

It is possible that these eating habits stem from a time when he was younger and lifting a lot. If you are young, male and a regular weight lifter, you can get through a hellova lot of food and get away with eating a lot of fairly low nutrition foods. Once you get past 30, however, things start to change.

To be honest, in the first instance, I'd get him to go to the GP and have a blood panel done for deficiencies.

It definitely seems as though it all stems from you thinking that he doesn't value you and your feelings. I think it is important for you to be assertive, and clearly state that when he does this it makes you feel....

Try not to get angry, just be honest.

If he still doesn't change his behaviour , it doesn't have to mean that he doesn't care, but that he shows how he values you in other ways suited to his personality.

I too am getting a very strong sense of de ja vu with this thread....

A 9 egg omelette....?

Jesus! and I thought Dh quaffing down the last of the milk just before ds1 had some before bed was bad enough.
It was like bloody clockwork, gallons of milk he wouldn't touch it, but get to the half pintish (just enough for ds1 and a cuppa or two) and he would then decide to have a nice drink of milk.
At least he had the decency to go and get more when annoyed wife and non- settling child appeared.

18 eggs?!? he must be bunged up something rotten.

To be fair, a nine egg omelette is only 630 calories.

An M&S club sandwich is more than that.

630 calories on top of his diet though, twice, not to mention any bacon, ham or cheese that gets slung in as well!

Can you order food online and get it delivered to you. At least then you can put him on a new meal plan while he is at home. Hide the bread away from him.

Does he have breakfast?

Werkzallhourz are you only counting the eggs, though? I can't imagine he's having just eggs - what about the cheese and butter/oil etc?

She shouldn't have to come up with strategies to prevent him from leaving her without food

2 x 9 egg omelettes in one day (that's 6 "normal" omelettes in my house that would be served for dinner with a side salad as opposed to a "snack").

All I initially thought was that's a hell of a lot of very smelly farts tbh

Addict or not, you can still replace what you have eaten. If he's home at 5pm and eating 6 slices of bread and half a pack of ham he has plenty of time to do the 15 min walk to the shop and replace them he could clearly do with burning off the calories.

Personally I think he's a selfish git and I'd put a lock on the fridge and tell him to sort out and pay for all his food actually I'd put a lock on the front door having thrown him out.

OP I feel for you as it sounds awful but also I feel for him, even more. It sounds like binge eating disorder. That amount of food is not normal and I'm sure he must know that. It's so hard with eating as often it's very linked to our emotions and probably not just "greed" but a compulsion. Is he happy/ sad/ stressed? His behaviour sounds very worrying. Good luck.

It's not just 630 calories. It's 630 calories on top of how ever many more calories he's already chowed down on. Not to mention the oil, cheese, onions etc he likely adds to said omelette.

It's unjustifiable really, and definitely sounds like an eating disorder. Which of course he needs help with, but he also needs to stop and think about others. Not only you but what about when your ds starts eating proper meals, you go to make him lunch one day only to find there's no cheese/bread/eggs/ham etc? Very unfair on everyone else in the household.

He's clearly not well and obviously you can be helpful and sympathetic towards this but not at the expense of you and your child.

Aye has a point re colleagues lunches. I think that even with a disorder like this it is often possible to have some kind of boundary enforced and putting your food separately and being firm about that being off limits may help OP. It won't solve his issues but it might leave you some breakfast at least!

I don't think pussyfooting around him re the eating issue is the way forward...he will take as long as he wants to take until he seeks help and you can't be expected to just 'put up' with the status quo in the meantime.

Despite his emotional/medical issues, he is deliberately/knowingly behaving in a selfish, inconsiderate and manipulative manner.
So long as he can project the guilt onto OP he can carry on avoiding being responsible for his actions.
No point saying sorry if you don't follow it through with actions.

Does he steal other people's food at work?
Does he shoplift stuff if he hasn't got the means to buy it?
Does he eat the same way in front of your or his parents/family?

He has the awareness and self discipline to NOT behave like this the rest of the time. For some reason he doesn't think you deserve that same basic respect and consideration that he affords to strangers.

If he scoffs all the xmas food before it can be cooked/served, then no matter how embarassed you feel, i don't think you should cover for him in front of your parents. His feelings don't trump yours.
Just say you did buy the food - and "dh can take it from here".
Let HIM have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Constantly covering for him only enables him.

He needs to take full responsibility for his food/shopping/cooking, so far all he has to do is open the fridge and eat.
He still needs to do his fair share around the house and with dc.
Once he puts more thought/work/effort into feeding that craving hopefully it will help cut down on the binges.

He needs to start getting help asap, otherwise it will affect your dc too.
It's already affecting your family/social life because you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

How would he manage if anything happened to you and he had to look after dc?
If he's insisting he has NO self control over any aspect of this then i'd be asking whether dc is safe in his care.