Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

[MrsWigWam]

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

A nine-egg omelette is not remotely normal, unless he's the Mountain from Game of Thrones. He's well on his way to obesity.

I think you have deeper problems here than his food habits. But yes, you absolutely deserve to have your own food needs met. Do whatever you need to do.

But I think he should also get individual therapy.

You have my sympathy Mrs WW - my husband can be similarly inconsiderate about all sorts of things so I have to work around it - freeze sliced bread so if he eats all the fresh I won't have to go without my breakfast - I don't mind powdered milk or Coffeemate in my (vital) morning coffee so him finishing the milk is not a disaster either. However, if there's something I particularly want to eat myself then I'm afraid I hide it as anything that he sees he will eat "it needs eating up" - er, it's been open all of 30 seconds and was good for a week - or it would have been if he hadn't scoffed it. Similarly, he knows he's overweight, but won't eat his veg (worse than a toddler!) and pigs out on cream, butter, mayonnaise and chocolate. But even he wouldn't be eating 18 eggs worth of omelette between arriving home and going to sleep........ it sounds to me far more as if your DH has serious issues with his attitude to food and needs to see a counselor specifically for that. He seems to have a compulsion to eat so although it may seem he is being inconsiderate, in fact he is in the grip of something so strong that normal human interaction like "consideration" is beyond him.
He really does need to talk to someone (possibly NOT you) about what drives him to eat, what is a reasonable calorie intake for someone of his build doing the amount of exercise or physical work he is doing and then compare it with what he is actually consuming. Perhaps you could suggest he makes a list of exactly what he eats so that he can see exactly what huge quantities he is ingurgitating - and how much it all costs -try telling him that you need the list so you know how much to buy and how much to budget.
Good luck,

I wouldn't be so bothered about the amount he eats, but I would be completely naffed off that he didn't consider that someone else lives there and needs to eat - buy some longlife milk to keep in cupboards for your coffee and maybe keep a couple of bottles in freezer as spares - you could freeze grated cheese and use it in the morning to defrost by lunchtime in your sandwich - maybe buy some tinned salmon/tuna etc for sandwiches ... he sounds soooo selfish though

OP, keep your share of the food in a separate bag/tupperware and tell him if he doesn't stop eating your food then you will stop cooking for him. I know this isn't a permanent solution, but it may do as a stopgap.

It's complete and utter lack of consideration coupled with a probable eating disorder.

He's binge eating. He needs to get help otherwise I can't see how this marriage will continue. He needs to leave food for you and DS.

YANBU and it sounds like you are buying more than enough food.

at the people who think they should just go out and buy more when they are already spending quite a lot for a couple.

It sounds like they could buy the entire supermarket and it still wouldn't be enough.

Many people don't have unlimited budgets to feed vast amounts of food to fat greedy people.

I think the issue is that he can eat whatever he wants, but he should be nipping to the shop to buy it rather than eat the OP's breakfast, particularly when she has a baby to care for. His blatant disregard for her is really horrible.

Thanks guys.

I will look for the thread on Food Addiction - I never really thought of it as an addiction so this will be interesting to read, and may give me ideas on how to proactively support/help him.

I didn't mean to be callous by calling him gluttenous, if it's linked to his emotions like I think it is then yes that is cruel and I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to control what he eats, I just want him to think about his health. He might not be visually obese right now but that doesn't mean it won't creep up on him, and if I'm honest, my main concerns are a) he won't have the energy to run around with DS when he is a bit older (he's always dreamed of taking DS to play football and I think it will upset him if he can't do this) and b) his dad has diabetes and takes daily meds. He is high risk of getting it too yet he still consumes a dangerous amount of sugar. I know this from looking at the RDA figures on the food (not monitoring him, I genuinely just have an interest in what is in the food we buy)

Thanks for the advice re freezing : I always used to think freezing bread was cumbersome but I will become more organised and try this.

I have started weaning DS, just on purees so not something he's interested in at the mo. However we have "joked" about him touching the baby's food (he likes Rusks for example) and he knows I will flip if I wake up to find his food even bitten into by a tiny amount.

Not passive aggressive at all. It sounds like he has issues with food and it's good that you are trying to get counselling together to address this and other issues.

He needs to be more considerate, and if he does finish something off he should be the one to go to the shop and re-stock (providing you can afford it of course).

I think the counselling is a good idea. If he is a comfort eating binge eater, then it's not so much that he doesn't care about you and more that he really cannot help himself. Making him feel bad for being selfish is unlikely to help him stop comfort eating! And expecting him just to buy replacements if he uses up the food is not going to help him stop, either. Working on both getting to a position in your relationship where you are both less stressed and unhappy would probably help bring it under control. Maybe what you are thinking of doing would work, I don't know - it depends how your dh perceives it!

And yes to freezing bread, we do this a lot and the bread is always fine once defrosted. I even sometimes toast bread from frozen and again it's fine.

Yeah, I actually do think his out of control eating should be brought up in counselling now.

Cos that type of bingeing and gluttony would affect anyone's marriage. I doubt he's rampant in bed after that lot. Or wants to do anything, really.

He's also headed down the diabetes and obesity road and he needs to be able to be around for the baby.

He is being totally unreasonable to drink the last of the milk or bread so that there is nothing for breakfast. That is really really inconsiderate. However, I think that you probably need to buy more food as he is clearly eating a lot. It may be too much and he may be overweight but it is his job to sort it out and not your job to be the food police. I think he should be the one to do an extra shop though.

This is more than about the food though.
Let him organise a weekly delivery.

There are 5 of us in the house, including 2 hungry teenagers, so I am always prepared for those late night kitchen raids, impromptu rounds of sandwiches.
I always keep spare loaves in the freezer and a supply of UHT milk in case we run out. There are tons of noodles, loads of cheese, frozen pizzas etc rarely less than 20 eggs in the fridge, extra packs of ham, I hate running out.

My DH does this with leftovers; I make enough for 2 nights & put half in the fridge. Many times I have gone to the fridge to warm up the dinner and their are great spoon gouges out of it & not enough for a meal. It is infuriating.

It's the fact that he takes so much and leaves you with nothing, that's dreadful.

Your DH is a finisher. They have to 'finish' up anything that is opened (or just available). My DH does this too, but he does also goes and gets extra provisions when he does (mostly). I do hide stuff sometimes though.

I'd buy a lot extra for the next few weeks. Get lots of smaller pack of things too as this may also help. And hide some.

You can tell on here who's rtft and who hasn't

Marynary have you seen the OP's update on page 2 on what he eats on an average day?

Do you really think she needs to buy more food when he's eating like that?

9 egg omelette

My dp loves his food and can't half put it away sometimes but even he doesn't eat those quantities. YADNBU. He is literally eating you out if house and home.

I keep some things in the boot of my car to prevent being left with sod all.

I think you are starting to see OP that the eating is not just yet another irritating behaviour to realise at marriage counselling. It is probably not directly linked to your marriage issues, though obviously anything going on in his life will interact with the eating problem. I would say it should be tackled separately.

It is not greed, and to call it that, or to say 'why can't he stick to it, I stick to what I say' about eating more healthily, shows you really don't have the first clue about eating disorders. I don't mean that rudely, you have acknowledged you need to learn more about it and that is good. Just for now, be aware that this isn't something you understand and avoid judging or deciding on tactics to help.
I am certain your DP is miserable and wants to stop, but it will be complicated and he will have to come to the right mindset himself. In the meantime you can say that you would like to support him and encourage him to get support, but you will have to leave the rest to him.

One thing you could do for now is not have a big weekly shop which just creates too much of a trap for him.

9 eggs???! Wtf?

My ex did this. He stopped, but only after a massive argument after there was nothing to make the kids packed lunches with because he'd eaten all the bread, cheese, ham etc. After that he was passive aggressive as hell, kept moaning that he wasn't allowed food in his own house. He used to steal the kids chocolate as well, greedy git.

I've only really realised the extent of if since he moved out.

Discuss at counselling, not realise, sorry!

Soubriquet Yes, I did read the thread thanks. I'm not suggesting that OP should do an extra shop. I think that he should do it if he wants to overeat.

I can't help but wonder how he or any of the similar men mentioned on this thread would react to their wives doing this. Maybe I'm overly cynical but I've a hunch that 'express concern for why she might be emotional eating' isn't top of the list.