Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

[MrsWigWam]

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

I would just make him responsible for his own food. Get what you & DS need and lock it away. Then he can do his own grocery shop and sort his own meals.

He is trying to make you responsible for his eating with the dolmio example. Don't accept it, refuse to discuss food with him at all. He does clearly have a problem but he needs to own it himself and as long as you are doing the food shopping and meal planning, he won't. There is nothing you can do about this so just remove yourself from the equation.

If OP wasn't buying enough food - then the DH would be making himself some pasta or something. But he isn't. He is going to the fridge and eating all the easily consumed fatty salty instant gratification foods like ham and cheese.

This is not the OPs issue to sort out. He is an obese compulsive eater and not very nice if he can't even leave his wife some cheese for her lunch.

It's absolutely classic disordered comfort eating. And classic that he finds it difficult to confront and verbalise how horrible it makes him feel, so tries to sweep it under the carpet or blame someone else whilst mumbling a bit about needing to lose some weight.

But this isn't the OPs fault. People that have issues need to take steps to address them and seek help for their mental health. It shouldn't be up to other people to tip tie around them.

Have you discussed this with your GP in his absence? He looks like suffering from anxiety and some kind of eating disorder. I don't think this can be solved if you act alone. He needs medical help if this is true.

The GP isn't going to discuss OP's husband "in his absence".

I agree that it isn't OP's issue to sort out and he should be the one to do an extra shop if he has eaten all the food. I don't actually think that £70 is a large amount to spend on food if one person eats a lot. It doesn't sound is if he is massively overweight so presumably he requires very high amounts.
I would certainly be a good idea to partition food off so there is enough for breakfast/lunch the next day but anything else is a bit controlling.

Who says he doesn't steal food at work? If he could do it without getting caught, then why not? Somebody steals the food at work in most workplaces!

Well true, people are assuming. However I think it's a reasonable bet that if he's behaving as he does at home, necking all the milk and eating all the biscuits, and eating everyone's breakfasts and lunches, something would have been said by now.

Besides which, if he has this awful craving and feeling of tension all day at work which takes all his willpower to avoid acting on, then that appalling tension has to be released in a massive explosion of omelette eating at some point. It is not remotely a sign of respecting work colleagues more than his own family and far more to do with home being the place of safety where he can hold the appalling tension in no longer.

Having been on the receiving end of similar behaviour from a compulsive (not food related) sorry but I disagree. Yes, he quite possibly is using all his willpower to keep a hold of himself in work. He's not using it all to stop eating his wife and possibly child's food at home. I fully accept that people often need an outlet, but given that he evidently has at least some choice and control, the location of his outlet speaks absolute volumes. As does the fact that he chooses to binge on the food that he won't be affected by the loss of, ie milk and bread because OP will get more before he comes home, rather than meat and veg that might mean he had no evening meal prepared when he got home.

And as a pp points out, that's still his problem to deal with not OPs. Him needing a safe place doesn't make it ok to show such a complete lack of consideration and respect for her.

Acknowledging he has a problem is not the same thing as taking on the problem yourself - of course only he can deal with this in the long run, just as with an alcoholic or anorexic or any other kind of self-destructive person who makes other people's lives miserable. However, understanding it as something far more complicated than simple greed should change the way his ds confronts him about it. Professional advice would be a good idea, if he is willing to take it.

Dw, not ds!

I think it's potentially a lot more than simple greed, but the fact that he has some control and is choosing basically to only overeat the food that affects his wife says a lot.

I can empathise with this. My dh can be like this. He eats enormous amounts of food and wasn't brought up to be thoughtful and considerate of others. So he will eat a whole large tub of yogurt, or a huge chunk of cheese, or the last four weetabix, or large quantities of anything else he fancied with no thought of who else might need it. When I've mentioned it to him over the years, he says we can get some more, it's not a big deal. We are on a very tight budget and I food shop really carefully and this behaviour is selfish and greedy.

Apologies if this has been asked before but what has your DH said about your food portioning idea? Does he think its passive aggressive? If so what does he suggest to ensure you've got food supplies too?