Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

[MrsWigWam]

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

"He has a really unhealthy relationship with food and it's one of the main things I want addressing in the counselling"

Tread carefully, op, that's not what marriage counselling is for. You don't get to go in with a list of demands he has to adhere to. You are not his mother, he is not a child and you are not the food police. He has to want to address a,weight issue and be in the right frame of mind to do so. That won't be achieved by you trying to get a counsellor to tag team you bullying him into it. He'll just resent you while shovelling crisps in!

You're right to be annoyed by his lack of consideration and leaving you without though.

The bagging up of your stuff seems like a reasonable idea. If he finishes other stuff, it should be up to him to buy replacements. Incidentally could you afford more on your groceries ? Packs of ham and cheese are fairly cheap so he could buy a top up during the week.

He sounds self-centred - it's very mean to deliberately finish off the milk when you know your DP needs a small amount for their coffee in the morning. DH and I would always try and leave enough for each other.

Even if he's overweight, you just need to buy more food.

Come off it, he'll just end up eating it if it's there and available. And how do you know OP has unlimited money to buy more food?

I don't think the issue is how much or how little he eats, its that he doesn't think of you and finishes things he knows you will need in the morning. There is no way in hell my DH would finish the milk because all hell would break loose if I don't have my morning cup. He always checks with me on his way home from work if we're out of milk/bread/etc too as he knows I'm home with our DS and might not have time to go out and get stuff. Thats what a normal partner would do.

It isn't the quantity of food that's the issue.

It's the fact he's eating food which he knows the OP will need, especiallyher breakfast things.

Why the fuck doesn't he leave that along and think "no I won't eat that because OP needs it for breakfast"?

The alternative is to buy more of it or have some in the freezer - you can freeze bread and toast it - then if he still eats it you know he's taking the piss

If you regularly run out then maybe you don't quite have enough in. However I doubt that's the issue here.

I think ring-fencing food is a sensible solution. Otherwise, the problem is, until someone eats it, it belongs to no-one, so he's not obviously wrong to eat it. (Tragedy of the commons.)

You may need to buy more for him, but possibly not. It's possible his algorithm is just to eat what's available. If he respects the ring-fencing, he may just eat less, because less is available.

Buying more food won't change the fact he doesn't care about leaving the OP with no milk or whatever she's asked him to leave for her.

You probably need one of these OP.

Although personally I couldn't live with someone who cared so little, that he couldn't even leave me a drop of milk for my morning cuppa.

YANBU if he's one of those people who just eat whatever food is there (so buying more food will result in him eating more) then sectioning off your food makes sense. That way if he wants to finish off a weeks worth of ham in two days he'll be the one that has to go and buy more (and realise how expensive it is). Obviously you should approach it nicely. e.g. "I absolutely have to have my toast/coffee in the morning and sandwich at lunch time so I'm going to ration myself off some" rather than "you keep eating all the food and it's pissing me off so I'm locking my food away".

I also agree that counselling is a good plan. Sounds like you're having trouble communicating and small things are turning into big fights.

I think you are offering a practical solution. If he runs out of food then he'll have to go and buy some more which may help him rein in the urge.

I would tell him that taking what you have separated out without discussing it with you is going to be a huge no no.

Leaving you without bread or milk is disrespectful. However, a muscular man needs considerably more calories than a woman, so if you're expecting him to eat the same amount as you i,e half the bread/cheese/milk etc , then you're not buying enough for him. It's really not up to you to police his intake, just request that he ensures that used up food is replenished and you are not left without.

*Even if he's overweight, you just need to buy more food.

in return, he needs to be more considerate!*

or he could - you know - buy more food himself..and be responsible for himself and considerate of others
and she could not have to keep crappy tasting uht milk hidden in the hope he wont find it - because someone in the house is too shitty to think "there are other people who need milk" and will therefore eat and drink all food they consider to be communal - because to them communal means mine!
really - she should enable this behavior ?

I have exactly the same problem,but I've 3 teenagers ,who are like locusts

My ex would do this. I would be the one doing the majority of the shopping and he would "expect" things to always be there/never replace empty/used items. My "favourite" example is when he would drink all but a smidgeon of Ribena and put the bottle back in the cupboard. When asked where had all the Ribena gone, he would reply with "there's still some left". We lived within a 2 minute walk of a supermarket... It is infuriating.

YANBU

DH is a little bit like this, not as extreme though.
Our solution is that I ask him what he wants before going shopping. So basically I buy 1) the food needed for meals, 2) my treats/snacks, 3) his treats/snacks.
It avoids conflicts. When I eat say a biscuit, I will offer him some, but he won't eat the rest of the box when I am not looking as they are "mine".
Sounds a bit petty written like this, but we have a great relationship, and it is just a solution we found to avoid silly conflicts.

Why the fuck doesn't he leave that along and think "no I won't eat that because OP needs it for breakfast"?

He doesn't think things need to be rationed. If him eating now means a shortage later, somebody didn't buy enough in the first place. (He's probably wrong though, as it sounds like he has food issues and is eating whatever is available, meaning no amount will last.)

With regard to the communication thing, how specific are you with him? So if he said 'you're not going to pick a fight over a pint of milk are you?' would you then explain that you're not upset about the fact that he drank some milk, but the fact that he left you without enough milk for a coffee? Sometimes people are amazingly dense about the problems they cause, sometimes they're wilfully ignorant if they can find a way to rationalise it to themselves. Easy enough to rationalise 'I was hungry, so I ate', less easy to rationalise 'I was hungry and me eating what I wanted was more important than making sure my family have enough to eat'...

Actually, think it is good for you to get baby in the buggy and walk to the shops for a little top up every couple of days. Fresh air, social interaction, all that. Buy less at the weekly one to allow the budget for it, and it might restrict the weekend binges - if it's not there, he can't eat it.

theres a current post runninh about food addiction. and im seeing it from that point of view. i buy all the food and struggle to control my eating so yes id eat a lot (especially if its nice food) but would leave enough for other people. perhaps he is the same, except he just binges with no regard for others in the house.

I don't think we are under buying.

He himself is acknowledging he is eating too much.

For example,
He'll have lunch at work - I suspect most days a sandwich but I know on some days he'll go to the chippy or McDonald's as he tells me

When he gets home about 5, he'll have about 3 sets of sandwiches (6 slices), containing about half a packet of wafer ham - which is about 25 slices, with cheese, or an omelette with at least 9 eggs
I have offered to have dinner ready for him to stop his habit, he says it's too early and that he'll be hungry at night

For evening dinner whatever we make always seems to be enough for 2nds, and thirds and even fourths. He won't have thirds and fourths at this time, but will polish it all off before bed. If I have put some in a tub for my lunch the next day he'll eat it.

Before he comes to bed, he'll sometimes have something like another sandwich, another 9 egg omelette or about 4 bowls of cereal.
And when I think he's finished he'll often wake up about 12am and go downstairs to have more cereal, or crisps (always more than 1 bag) or biscuits (always more than half a packet)

I have a feeling of deja vu reading this thread.

there was a previous one about a very greedy BF. Don't know what happened to it.

£70 for 2 adults is quite a lot of money to already be spending on food, surely? I spent £54 in Lidl yesterday to feed both myself and 9.5 yo DD (and we both have very good appetites) for the next 2 weeks. I'll need to do a small top up shop for bread, milk and some cheap fresh veg, but the cupboards and fridge are absolutely bulging. That shop also included some nice food bits to put away from Christmas.

It definitely doesn't sound like there isn't enough food available, OP. It absolutely sounds like your DH has issues with food that need addressed and until they are, his gluttony is going to continue making him very thoughtless in the food department. Naturally this is driving you loopy. I would feel pretty stabby if someone was constantly eating everything and leaving me nothing. I think it's especially inconsiderate when you have a young infant to look after and will more often than not need to grab something super quick to eat during the day.

Have you got space for a separate fridge? Just a little one that you could safely lock your bits away in? I mean, it's a ridiculous measure to need to resort to, but until you and DH can get to counselling and address these problems once and for all, I'm not sure what else you can do to keep the peace (and your sanity).

Actually, think it is good for you to get baby in the buggy and walk to the shops for a little top up every couple of days. Fresh air, social interaction, all that. Buy less at the weekly one to allow the budget for it, and it might restrict the weekend binges - if it's not there, he can't eat it.

But why should she have to go out if she doesn't want to?

Why can't he be an adult and not gorge his fat face all the time?

I agree OP and City . My DP finishes off the bread and milk knowing myself and DS have cereal or toast for breakfast. He will go to the shop for booze for himself but never check if we need other things !

Bloody hell thats a ridiculous amount of food he's eating

That would seriously turn me off watching him eat all that