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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being passive aggressive with my DH?

186 replies

MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 17:00

DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 6 month old DS. I am on Mat Leave, he works full time.

Our marriage has been up and down. We've had some really low points, and there are several factors day to day that affect our relationship however that's a different thread for a different day.

We get on well but we argue a lot as well.

We have talked about counselling and are currently seeing our GP to arrange this.

Anyway one of the things that really pisses me off about him and causes me to be moody with him is how inconsiderate and gluttenous he is at times.

One example of this is when he knows I eat some form of something-on-toast for my breakfast everyday, and a cup of coffee is a must have, but he finishes the bread and milk after I have gone to bed. He knows I like to have a simple sandwich most days (easy to rustle up while looking after DS) but he'll finish all the ham and cheese etc etc. He'll finish coleslaw/hummus/dips etc in a day of opening.
He does this with a lot of our shared food; he has the appetite of a bodybuilder and just eats/finishes everything.

We don't live in the sticks and we do have a local Sainsburys a 15 minute walk away, but with a 6mth DS it's not just easy popping to the shops, and I don't see why I should have to, especially when we do our weekly shop on a Sunday and we buy a quantity of food/drink that will last the whole week (£70 for 2 people). I don't think I should expect to open the fridge on a Tuesday and already see it's 70% empty, and I just don't want to spend even more money on food, in my opinion £70 a week for 2 people is excessive.

I am worried about buying snacks for Xmas too early in case he eats them before Xmas day, we are hosting our families this year and I am already nervous, the last thing I need is a big argument about food.

I used to send an annoyed text along the lines of "you know I need my coffee" etc which usually resulted in a text argument where he'd say things like "are you really going to argue with me over a bottle of milk?".
So I started to say it in a light hearted way, which he asked me to do and he appreciated it, thanking me for not getting angry and that he'll stop. But yet he still does it.

So I have decided to portion some of my food separately at the start of the week, for example 10 slices of bread in a plastic bag, 2 pints of milk into a jug, 5 slices of ham, half a block of cheese, etc etc all in very clearly signed tubs.
Would you find this to be passive aggressive behaviour? I am hoping that as well as me ensuring I don't run out of my food, he'll realise just how much he is actually over-eating. Of course he could just ignore it and dip into my portions when his runs out, which could end up pissing me off more.

I know it might all sound trivial but it's a symbol of deeper problems between me and DH. I just think he doesn't respect me if he continues to do something that he knows upsets me, why would you do this to someone you love? The general over'eating thing is also a huge issue of mine, he keeps always saying how he's overweight and unhappy with his body, how he's going to start eating less etc but then just eats copious amounts of everything. It just annoys me that he can't stick to what he's saying, whereas if I say I'm going to start doing something, I make sure I do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 20:02

No he doesn't have breakfast, I try to get him to.

He has some days where he won't binge hardly at all, it's when he's busy doing house or garden projects. So I think boredom also has a huge part to play in his over eating.
He's a massive over thinker and stresses about little things; turning to food seems to be a way to deal with it.

Yes to the poster who mentioned his previous weight loss, I do think that because he knows he sorted himself out back then, he can do it again. Although he's 36 now and not a strapping teen.

His mum says that he used to obviously eat a lot prior to his lifestyle change and that all of a sudden he came home and said to his mum "I don't want to eat loads of crap anymore".
He then lived on a diet of steamed chicken and rice every day with the odd day of fish thrown in, and lentils. Maybe one day he'll experience the same mental trigger that initiated the changes back then.

Sorry I should mention that the 9 egg omelette is 9 egg whites with no yolk, apparently the yolk contains the cholesterol. His knowledge on food nutrition (which he acquired during his training phase) is really good which is why I don't understand why he eats so much food high in sat fats salt and sugars knowing what it is doing to his metabolism

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 08/12/2016 20:03

What happens to the yolks then? Are they just thrown away? Shock

Original poster
MrsWigWam · 08/12/2016 20:07

Yes! I know, huge waste

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 20:10

That's pathetic. You can buy cartons of egg white in bloody Asda far.

Wallywobbles · 08/12/2016 20:18

I think you are not buying enough food. If he's not fat and you can afford it this seems like a non problem. I'd hate not to be able to eat enough of the stuff I'd bought and liked. I do get where you are coming from too.

Double up on sandwich stuff, bread, milk etc. Just boring basics not crisps, biscuits.

I've nearly always lived miles from anywhere and we always have loads of basics and extras in the freezer. We buy 5 packs of coffee, uht milk etc. We also have the necessary to make bread etc. Solves the problem. To avoid binge eating biscuits you have to make them first!

icy121 · 08/12/2016 20:20

Why is he staying up after you've gone to bed? Suggest he goes to bed at the same time as you so a) you behave as a couple and b) there's no opportunity for him to binge eat alone at night.

He sounds like an arsehole though, knowing you want certain food and still scoffing the lot is greedy and selfish. There was a thread recently about a woman who's boyfriend kept eating her food, being mean and greedy and she dumped him! You have a baby and you're married so not suggesting your situation is the same. But if he's like this with bread and milk what else is he doing??

Wallywobbles · 08/12/2016 20:20

Ok 18 eggs a day. I take it back. He's a pig.

MissVictoria · 08/12/2016 20:24

So its food for BOTH of you, but only you are allowed to finish it? It's as much his milk and bread as yours, why can't he have it if he wants some? Clearly you're not buying enough to cover how much you actually use between you but you think you have more claim to it than he does. Just buy twice as much or make a trip for top ups mid week.

Wallywobbles · 08/12/2016 20:24

How about MyFitnessPal. It might help him to see it written down.

CassetteTape · 08/12/2016 20:25

18 eggs a day is 126 a week? Would seeing 126 eggs in the fridge make him think wtf?

Yummyyummybuscuits · 08/12/2016 20:27

I like your solution. My hubby rarely sets foot in the kitchen. No idea where even the salt is kept. He eats what I put in front of him. So I'm lucky in that way. You might just need a higher budget on food as he is obviously hungry...

DeleteOrDecay · 08/12/2016 20:28

Err, MissVictoria, RTFT - or at least read the updates from the op. Your post is spectacularly ill-informed.

LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 20:28

And 126 eggs yolks wasted.

LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 20:29

Oh ffs he's not 'hungry' if he's chucking food out.

DameDeDoubtance · 08/12/2016 20:40

MissV, how can you possibly read the thread and come to the conclusion that he is hard done by? He is eating ALL the food, op is going without.

FurryLittleTwerp · 08/12/2016 20:50

Don't let him throw out all the yolks! - think of all the bread & butter pudding (if there's any bread left), & quiche (if there's any ham or cheese left) you could make!

Shock Angry Sad

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 21:19

So he's a bodybuilder and not just overeating for the sake of it? In that case why is his diet plan not taken into account during the weekly shops?

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 21:19

Or he could just buy egg whites from supermarkets. No need to go through eggs

ThePinkOcelot · 08/12/2016 21:28

Are you married to my DH? He's a a reedy bastard as well.

helpnc · 08/12/2016 21:29

"He's a massive over thinker and stresses about little things" "He has some days where he won't binge hardly at all".

I don't mean this to sound weird, and I'm sorry if it comes across the wrong way, but is there any chance at all that he might be somewhere on the spectrum?

This won't be the answer to everything of course but I've only just begun researching autism myself after working out I might have it, and food things like 'never feeling full' and endless eating can be a sensory issue - just like routine overthinking and stressing over tiny things can be a symptom.

(I have the opposite issue incidentally; I never get hungry and would be happy never to eat again. I cannot imagine a nine egg omelette!)

WritersBlockk · 08/12/2016 22:25

£70 per week for two adults is not much at all by the way! That's £5 per day per person on food which is not a lot.

2rebecca · 08/12/2016 22:26

yolks are good for carbenara. I use the Carlucci recipe which has 3 egg yolks and always end up chucking out the whites.

LineyReborn · 08/12/2016 22:33

There are many things that can be made with yolks. Mayo for coleslaw ... sauces ... What an utter waste.

Naicehamshop · 08/12/2016 22:37

MissV - read the floor thread before commenting fgs.
And *DailyFail - He isn't a bodybuilder. He used to be in the past.

I just absolutely cannot believe the number of people who are blaming the op for not doing enough food shopping, instead of criticising the total greed and selfishness of her dh. Unreal.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/12/2016 22:39

Good God how is he not sick.....

He is being really selfish and greedy it's not normal.

I'd not give a shit about how passive aggressive I'd look I'd be buying one of those safes and a massive fucking padlock
Don't care if I had to swallow the key to keep it safe either..

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