Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

[Clara81]

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

Completely agree with previous posters that it sounds as though this is not a simple case of stealing 'just because she wanted it'. It sounds like she really looks up to you and the impulse to take the eyeliner (and hang on to the iPad) is more about having a tangible connection to you/your family.

When I was about her age I had an Aunt whom I loved and really looked up to. I never actually did it but I could easily have taken something 'small' from her for this reason and I know how precious that thing would have been to me even though I would have known full well that it was wrong.

I think you need to recognise that you are obviously an important person in her life and the way you handle this is likely to have a big impact on her. Whether that is a positive impact or a negative one is completely up to you. Without being 'soft' on her, I would stop with the threats (only going to make her scared and stay away) and I definitely would not go to her Mum.

She is 12 and can definitely understand that stealing is wrong. Rather than feeling the need to drum in 'wrong from right' I would treat her as a capable human and be real with her.

I would tell her (through your DD if needed) that she is not in trouble and you want her to come over. Be nice to her when she does come over and make her feel welcome. Then find a time to have a quiet chat and bring up the FACTS not the emotions: She was playing with the make-up/eyeliner whatever and then the eyeliner was missing. Say you were very cross to find it had gone and the only conclusion you can come to is that she took it.

Say that you like her and will not be cross if she tells the truth. If she admits to taking it, then DON"T BE CROSS, just thank her for telling the truth and ask her to return it and say please don't ever take anything without asking again.
You can say that you are disappointed that she stole and that it is going to take some time to trust her again (possibly say you want to trust her but right now, if anything goes missing, you are not going to be sure that it wasn't her and that's not a nice thing to feel). Hearing that you have been cross and are disappointed in her and that she is going to have to work to regain your trust is probably going to do the job without any need for furhter consequences or punishment.

I know some people are going to shoot me down for being soft about this but I am just putting myself in her position and imagining what would have worked for me at that age with someone I admired. I would even be tempted to give her something small of yours in a few weeks time, when she (hopefully hasn't stolen again). Quite casually, as in, "I don't need this any more and thought you'd like it". Will probably mean a lot to her and prevent the impulse to steal in the future.

Treat her like a young person with intelligence and morals who has made a mistake, rather than a little thief and she is likely to respond well.

You're not rich but iPhones and iPads and £25 eyeliners are a feature. I dont have any of those, having been a working single person with no DC for the last 10 years. I couldnt justify the cost of any of those and if it creates a problem for you maybe such an expensive one wasn't needed.

Because of course, unless you can afford to buy two of every single thing you own, you can't afford to own it.

You can say that you are disappointed that she stole and that it is going to take some time to trust her again

That's it! Ask her to show how trustworthy she is by returning the i-pad that DD lent her. win/win

Who is saying that the girl hasn't got an advent calendar/no pumpkins/etc? Since you don't know the mother, your daughter never goes round there... you only have the word of the girl herself, who may be trying to paint a picture of herself as 'deprived' (unless she has very different religious beliefs, depends how the girl framed it, but it was enough for you to mention her having none of these things, which leads me to believe she was telling you this for a reason).

Queenliz the price of make up often means a great deal, actually. As someone who has tried the vast majority of everything on the current market, cheap often means sore cracked skin for me so for that comment YABVVU! Plus sometimes if you don't have much, treating yourself to a nice thing feels like a massive massive boost. £25 on a night out is relatively cheap - I'd rather stay in and have something that lasts a lot longer.

I think I will go with Mcakes suggestion. And yes, my room is definitely out of bounds to her in future.

I don't normally buy expensive make up but I treated myself when I was going to be a maid of honour a couple of months back. I found a replacement for £13 on eBay, hopefully it's not a fake!

I think Mcakes suggestion is a good one.

But also, keep an eye on your stuff and it it happens again you might need to keep her out of your home. i.e. I'd be a bit guarded moving forward.

You aren't even 100% sure she was the last to have it. You didn't see her yourself. I think you were out of order ranting and raving at her to be honest. At 12 if one of my friends parents had accused me of stealing and had a go at me I'd have agreed to replace whatever it was for fear of losing my friend. She may well have taken it but you can't make accusations without proof. You could reasonably say that fiends are no longer allowed in your room as things have gone missing however. I hope the girl has taken the eyeliner though - otherwise you have soured your dd's friendship for no reason.

Mcakes, you sound very thoughtful and kind.

Friends I mean

creakyknees - Theft is taking something from someone with no intention of returning it. Google the theft act. Therefore, if she did take it, she is a thief actually

Cheers for that tip. Not that I didn't cover the Theft Act in my law degree or solicitors training, but it's always useful to have handy hints like that.

The point I was making was that when you are talking about children, it is better to label the bad behaviour than the child him/herself. Yes, according to the Theft Act, she misappropriated property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving that person of it (I didn't even have to look it up!) fulfilling the legal definition of theft. However, the term 'thief' is not a legal term and it has very negative connotations and suggests a personality trait rather than just bad behaviour. This is potentially an unhappy and mixed-up girl who took something that was not hers. It is very hard to own up to that, and for children, the natural instinct is to deny it or to elaborate stories. How long would you argue that the label 'thief' sticks for? If I stole something at age 12, am I still a 'thief' at 25? This also appears to be the first time she has stolen something so it seems harsh to call her a thief based on one incident.

she admitted to having used it, therefore I am 100% sure she was the last to have it. Dd1 never goes near make up and dd2 is 6, and had she had a go on a black eyeliner pen, the evidence would be plain to see!

I don't blame you for suspecting her but I would need proof before I confronted a child. I remember a friends mum confronting me about stealing something at a similar age and I was really upset. Got a full on interrogation of her and my own mum and I distinctly remember thinking it would actually be easier if I just replied it. No-one else could have taken it apparently. My friends brother informed me a few days later it had turned up in the house. No apology from friends mum - she was probably embarrassed. Friendship was never the same after. I would never accuse someone of stealing if I didn't know it for a fact. I would take steps to prevent it happening again obviously. Imagine if someone at your work suspected you of stealing and started demanding you replace things. Would you think that was fair?

Perhaps you need a non-confrontational way for her to return it. Maybe, if you see her, say that you "really hope it will turn up again in my make-up bag before Christmas". That way, she can sneak it back, you'll know she took it, she knows she shouldn't have but there's not a Huge Deal made of it.

She needs to pay for a new one not return the one she stole.

I feel sorry for her if it's not her. My eyeliner always goes awol and turns up in random places. She hasn't admitted it just answered to the part of her being last to be seen with it. I don't think you have been very tactful about it, and honestly how the fuck would you k ow she was wearing yours?!

I don't know what 'proof' I would be able to get? Unless I find it on her possession, no I can't prove that she took it, and I have made it clear that she may have misplaced it, but either way she was the last one to have it.

Well maybe rather than accusing her if wearing your eyeliner it might have been an idea to as if she remembered where she'd put it after using it at your house. If she said no then you could have then said if it didn't turn up she'd have to replace it as it's expensive. If she did have it then hopefully it would be returned. I don't think you should go around making accusations on the basis of a 6 yr old saying she had it last though. And someone else moving it/taking it and her having her own eyeliner isn't beyond the realms I'd possibility. Maybe she liked using yours which made her ask her mum for one?

Too many typos to correct there but you get the general idea

So she used my eyeliner at about 6pm one day, told her mum she liked it and her mum rushed out and got her one before the end of school the next day?

Maybe. If she was in the supermarket or something anyway? Is that really that ridiculous a scenario? And I'm not actually saying she didn't take it. Just that I wouldn't accuse anyone based on suspicion. Especially not a child.

Her mum works full time and she wouldn't have even seen her mum before the time that I saw her.

Just call her mum!! You can't talk to a 13 year old about it, you have to talk to her mum.

Did she say her mum had bought it that night. Or could she have had it a while.and not really been interested until experimenting at your house?