Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 08/12/2016 10:33

I had a friend like that. She was extremely deprived and neglected with the added bonus of religious nutjob parents that considered anything modern the devils work. Our house was an oasis for her. She did the same. She stole something that was negligible for us but important to her. My mum kicked her out. but years later, I realized her environment was such that she never learnt proper right and wrong, as everything was wrong for her to do.

I think, you need to find out what her story is. While, you have a lot on your plate, maybe she's the same, neglected, and deprived.
I don't know your situation but throwing her out and to the fire, might not be good. An honest talk about good and wrong would be best.

heartskey · 08/12/2016 10:33

greyandshite what more proof does the op need. The girl said ok when she asked her to return it.

PlumsGalore · 08/12/2016 10:36

I would ring her mum and ask for the Ipad pronto, bugger the eyeliner. I think she has taken it, I also think she will avoid you like the plague hoping the situation will go away. If she does this though you are likely to see the Ipad go the same way.

Once I got the Ipad, I would tell your DD she isn't welcome again and why. Not sure I would want an eyeliner back that has been worn by someone else, but I would definitely want the Ipad.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:36

She has said that her mum 'doesn't like people', and won't even take her to the doctors if she needs to go because it would involve dealing with people. I don't know how much to believe though, I think the girl is prone to making things up. I do think I need to tread carefully here, I told dd to tell her today that if she finds/returns the eyeliner today then we can deal with it, but if that doesn't happen then it's going to be harder for her. I really hope she does the right thing, but I don't think she's going to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:38

And yes they are religious too, hence why she's not allowed anything to do with Halloween. I think whatever happens I need to get the iPad back. Dd1 won't go round by herself and I won't have time this evening, but tomorrow I will go around to the house with dd if the friend hasn't appeared by then.

OP posts:
taxworries · 08/12/2016 10:39

Hi Op, I hope you can give her another chance because it sounds like her home life isn't very ideal if your daughter is scared of her mum..I know it's no excuse but maybe she just wanted something 'nice' to own as you say she is not allowed fun stuff like xmas calendar, pumpkin etc. Also remember she is 12, old enough to know not to steal, but also...a child. Children make mistakes. I think I nicked something at this age - along with my friend, one of her grandpa's cigars, whcih we seirously regretted after taking a puff. We weren't caught. I guess i'm saying everyone makes mistakes. Is she a good and loyal friend to your daughter? If so that in my opinion outweighs one mistake.

hutchblue · 08/12/2016 10:39

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2016 10:39

You might need to be a bit clearer. "We'll deal with it" probably still sounds very scary to a 12 year old. Tell DD if the eyeliner is returned today, you can forget it happened, if that's the plan. I'd be more cautious leaving things around her though.

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 10:40

Heartskey I quite agree that it is likely. But there is no proof.

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 10:42

Sorry should have said if she has religious nut job parent then the only response to crazy accusations is, 'ok'.

It's just survival.

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 10:42

(Not that this is likely a crazy accusation but if it was)

hutchblue · 08/12/2016 10:43

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:43

Yeah I guess 'we'll deal with it' might sound scary to her, I just don't know what the best thing to say or do is, hence why I'm posting! I was absolutely raging about it last night, but have calmed down today, I'm still annoyed and disappointed though.

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 08/12/2016 10:44

Bluntly - she is a thief

But at 12 years old, why would she think being a thief is acceptable - I think that is what I would be questioning. From the sound of things, it doesn't sound rosy at home at all for her. There's no excuse for stealing but I would be looking at the bigger picture I guess

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 10:45

Once I got the Ipad, I would tell your DD she isn't welcome again and why. Not sure I would want an eyeliner back that has been worn by someone else, but I would definitely want the Ipad

Plums, that is horrible. She is a 12 year old girl with what sounds like a very troubled home life. The most important thing in the world is not the ipad and telling the girl she is no longer welcome is going to be so hurtful for her. It's not normal to spend all your time at a friend's house. It's usually because you don't want to go home. That can be a horrible and confusing place for a 12 year old. Yes, stealing is wrong, but she didn't murder a puppy or anything like that. Someone needs to show her that they care about her.

hutchblue · 08/12/2016 10:47

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:47

Chances are that if we go to get the iPad back, her mum will end up getting involved. I don't know whether her mum will be there or not, but if she is she is bound to wonder why me and dd are there to collect the iPad.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 10:48

Bluntly- she is a thief

No, she took something without permission. Labeling a 12 year old girl a 'thief' as if it's some incorrigible personality trait is not helpful. Lots of kids take things. They are not 'thieves', but their behaviour is wrong and needs to be dealt with. I would rather that a child acts out by stealing than by being violent for example.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:49

The iPad was lent by dd, without my knowledge (I would have said no). So she didn't steal the iPad, she borrowed it.

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 08/12/2016 10:50

I don't know why OP is having to take on a social service role here. Children need boundaries and not stealing will be important for all this child's future relationships. Unless there are consequences it won't stop.

If she is tip-toed around at this age she will only get worse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2016 10:50

Hutchblue

Christmas present. That's a pretty good idea.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 10:51

Chances are that if we go to get the iPad back, her mum will end up getting involved. I don't know whether her mum will be there or not, but if she is she is bound to wonder why me and dd are there to collect the iPad

Instead of turning up on her doorstep demanding the ipad (which the girl BORROWED and did not steal), why doesn't DD text her and invite her round, or maybe go to her house and ask if she wants to come to the park Don't conduct some raid on her house- the poor girl is probably terrified as it is. When she comes round, you can have a chat about how she shouldn't take things that don't belong to her and ask that she return the ipad the next time she comes over (along with the eyeliner). But I would reassure her that she is still welcome and that she can still trust you.

littlesallyracket · 08/12/2016 10:53

Oh please, posters are now trying to imply there's something wrong at her home because she spends a lot of time at yours

No, we're not wondering about that because she spends a lot of time at the OP's house. We're wondering about that because OP's DD refuses to go to the friend's house because she's scared of her mother and because the OP says herself that she doesn't think the girl is happy at home, that her parents are ultra-strict, her mum is rarely there, and that she has said several times to the OP that she wishes she was her mum.

None of that to me suggests that this girl has a particularly happy home life.

Not an excuse for stealing, but I can certainly see how a 12 year old girl who worships her friend's mum and doesn't like her own home life might want to take something belonging to that mum in order to imitate her. Or maybe her own mum doesn't let her put makeup on at home so she pinched OP's because it was the only way she could get some. Again, not an excuse, but maybe an explanation.

She's 12. Everyone fucks up one way or another when they're 12. I agree it needs to be addressed and she shouldn't get away with it but people suggesting she's some sort of sociopathic delinquent who must be banned from the house, leaving DD without a friend, are massively overreacting.

Perp · 08/12/2016 10:53

You need to get her to replace the eyeliner. Eyeliner isn't one of those things you can 'share' Even if I got it back, no matter the cost, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable using it again.

twilightcafe · 08/12/2016 10:54

You would be doing your DD's friend more of a favour if you told her to return the eyeliner and iPad pronto because borrowing something without asking the owner is technically stealing.