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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 10:55

I think the lack of pumpkin and advent calendar are irelevant. They don't mean the child us deprived, we all approach celebrations differently and life is more richer for it.

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 10:56

However the eye liner and iPad do need to be returned.

Be forgiving though. If it's her first offence.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 10:57

Children need boundaries and not stealing will be important for all this child's future relationships. Unless there are consequences it won't stop

Well, children need boundaries and they need to have it explained what the boundaries are. Not imposed as a retrospective punishment. Which is why we are saying talk to the girl, explain it is wrong, ask her to return the makeup etc.
Also, refusing to have her over is NOT setting boundaries or helping her in future relationships. It is completely washing your hands of her. If this is an important relationship to the girl (and it sounds like it is), it will hurt immensely to be cast aside like this. It could cause her to act up even more. I doubt it will immediately make her see the error of her ways. She needs love and support.

Original poster

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 10:57

I am definitely prepared to forgive her if she makes an effort to put it right.

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/12/2016 11:00

She took something that didnt belong to her and she knew it. Ultimately this is stealing. She is old enough to know better. I'd be reluctant to have her around because I wouldn't be able to trust her. If it wasn't returned I'd be contacting her mum. Whether she is strict or not is not your problem. And don't lend things like ipads!

When I was about 9/10 I had a feiend who stole from me. She would lie and lie to my face but it was so obvious. I stopped having her around. A thief can't be trusted and she k ew exactly what she was doing.

user1471545174 · 08/12/2016 11:02

No, if she is thieving she doesn't need love and support, creakyknees.

She needs consequences (negative ones).

If she is given love and support in return for stealing she will continue stealing.

I don't know why 12 year olds are not expected to understand simple concepts like stealing being wrong, but are supposed to understand and react appropriately to complex reverse psychology - headfuck in other words.

Temporaryname137 · 08/12/2016 11:05

It's a difficult one. On the one hand, I am in favour of a short, sharp message about stealing. When I was little, I nicked a lipstick (I was a bit dim and I nicked the skanky tester one!) and my DM marched me straight back into the chemist and made me explain myself. The look the lady behind the counter gave me as she took it back stayed with me for life, and I am now so paranoid about stealing that I am the one who always points out to restaurants when they have forgotten something on the bill! And 12 years old is definitely old enough to understand. Taking things that are not yours is a very slippery slope.

On the other hand, this girl sounds a bit confused and there seems to be some issue with her mother, albeit you don't know for sure. It certainly sounds as if she wanted the eyeliner badly and thought she wouldn't get it any other way.

If it were me, I think I would be inclined to invite her over, sit her down and explain why you are hurt and disappointed. Tell her that she can keep the eyeliner (because eeow, you don't want that back now, even if you sharpen it 50 times!) as a Christmas present, but that she has to understand she has dented your trust in her, and it will be up to her to show that it was just a silly mistake rather than anything else.

senua · 08/12/2016 11:07

I am definitely prepared to forgive her if she makes an effort to put it right.

She is only 12 y.o. Be kind, help her to put it right. You are the adult in this relationship.

Temporaryname137 · 08/12/2016 11:09

"You are the adult in this relationship."

That sounds to be going a little bit far to me, to be fair. The OP is the girl's friend's mother. Not her mother!

hutchblue · 08/12/2016 11:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

senua · 08/12/2016 11:12

You said that last night you were furious but you have calmed down today. Speak to her but don't expect a perfect response immediately - give her time to process the information, just like you did.
Don't box her into a corner, where she can't see a way out.

Original poster

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 11:13

I will help her to put it right but she needs to be here for me to do that, which is going to be the tricky bit.

My dd is just a bit bemused by the whole situation, she hasn't really given an opinion.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 11:14

I'm glad I posted, it's good to (virtually) talk it through.

OP posts:

QueenLizIII · 08/12/2016 11:16

I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

How is her own mum buying her an eyeliner an overly elaborate story? I assume this child has clean clothes on her back and not emaciated so her mother does actually buy her things and care for her like any mother should?

TBH this might sound silly but you cant accept that ok as a confession. You confronted her, and told her she had to buy you another one even after she told you she didnt do it. At 12 years old, I would have said ok too had someone not accepted what I was saying, even if I didnt do it, as I would have felt I had no choice.

You dont have any proof and you may dig yourself a hole here. You're not rich but iPhones and iPads and £25 eyeliners are a feature. I dont have any of those, having been a working single person with no DC for the last 10 years. I couldnt justify the cost of any of those and if it creates a problem for you maybe such an expensive one wasn't needed. They all draw a black ring around your eyes at the end of the day no matter the cost.

Why you'd want used eyeliner back is beyond me too, you're not supposed to share eye make up as it is an infection risk.

I would just tell your DD to get her iPad back or you will be going round her house to get it back. Drop the eyeliner issue and if you never see her again, so be it. DD can still be friends with her, in a couple of years they will be out and about more with more independence. It wont necessarily ruin the friendship but continuing to accuse her will do.

Original poster

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 11:20

I didn't demand she bought me another one, I said if she doesn't find it it will need to be replaced.

I've just ordered a replacement one, so yes the eyeliner is written off now.

The overly elaborate story involved telling me about the shape of the tube etc her eyeliner is in, dunno, it just didn't ring true. You know when you're doing a sicky at work and just keep your excuse simple, the more detail you go into the more suspicious it looks? That kind of thing.

OP posts:

SilkThreads · 08/12/2016 11:21

My ds had a 'friend' last year.
Both his parents are very well off
(£60K salaries each, whereas our joint one was £25K).
They are well connected in the village, Church etc
We were quite isolated.
The child took minor things all the time.
Pens, fruit, little stuff.
Took me a while to realise.
I asked him and he cried.
He was terrified I'd tell his v religious parents (I didn't).
I couldn't get my head around it.
But then I realised he was trying to fill a hole of some kind.
He was deprived (emotionally) and wanted to take a bit of our house home with him.

OP, ask your dd to tell her friend to come round. there will be no unpleasantness, no marching her off to mum.
she must bring the iPad you know she only borrowed as you need it back.

I'd tell her I don't care about the eyeliner.
BUT I DO care about her taking stuff.
if she wants a lend of something of yours she needs to ask you.
if it's okay you'll lend it. if not you'll say why and it will be ok too.

QueenLizIII · 08/12/2016 11:23

For an adult yes. But she is 12 years old. She is a child. Maybe being accused of theft made her explain so much as she was worried?

loobyloo1234 · 08/12/2016 11:23

No, she took something without permission

creakyknees - Theft is taking something from someone with no intention of returning it. Google the theft act. Therefore, if she did take it, she is a thief actually

OP - I think you sound very kind actually. It's clear you wanted to find another explanation for where it may be. I would give her the chance to put it right without her mother's involvement. A £25 eyeliner is expensive though so don't let this go

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2016 11:25

Bluntly- she is a thief

No, she took something without permission

Which is thieving. Why are you saying its not?

Latenightreader · 08/12/2016 11:25

Could you ask your daughter to suggest that if the eyeliner happened to turn up/be put through the letterbox the matter would be closed?

I'm adding to the voices saying that your daughter really needs to ask for the ipad back - it is too expensive a gadget to lose.

HeyRoly · 08/12/2016 11:28

I don't know why some person are so unwilling to believe that the girl took it. It's pretty obvious that she did.

OP, I think you can move forward from this if you want to. Enforcing a "no one goes in my bedroom" rule would be a start.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeyRoly · 08/12/2016 11:29

Some person? Some PEOPLE

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2016 11:30

You're not rich but iPhones and iPads and £25 eyeliners are a feature. I dont have any of those, having been a working single person with no DC for the last 10 years. I couldnt justify the cost of any of those and if it creates a problem for you maybe such an expensive one wasn't needed. They all draw a black ring around your eyes at the end of the day no matter the cost

What has the fact you dont have expensive make up and an I pad got to do with it? Because the OP can afford it then its ok to have it stolen, is that what you mean by if it creates a problem for you maybe such an expensive one wasn't needed??

rollonthesummer · 08/12/2016 11:31

That's a very difficult situation! I wonder what she has told your DD today?!

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