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Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 08/12/2016 13:42

Rightly or wrongly I am always very reluctant to "talk to Mum". My Mum was terrifying and very physically abusive. Talking to mum would result in quite a severe beating for me, I was terrified of her.

I think I would write this off but be very aware that she's not to be trusted, what else can you realistically do?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/12/2016 13:43

Don't talk to her mum.

I think that as a PP said, there may well be something going on at home. It sounds like she needs your house as a safe space , and that she doesn't know how to get out of the eyeliner thinf gracefully.

As the OP said, tell her you have replaced the eyeliner now, so that is done and dusted. Tell her that you don't mind at all if she asks to borrow things, and that you will tell her yes or no, and if the answer is no, you will explain why.

Also be alert for disclosures about her home life as something sounds not quite right there.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 16:10

Not much of an update - the friend kept running away every time dd saw her. Eventually dd collared her and said to her that I wanted to speak to her. The friend didn't really say anything in return. Normally she comes to get a lift home with me but she didn't turn up today, unsurprisingly.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 08/12/2016 17:32

You cant speak to her about it and ask for it to be replaced and then have your DD collar her demanding she speak to you too.

She is a child. All based on circumstantial evidence and what a 6 year old said.

Your behaviour is menacing.

You could be the one who ends up in trouble for this.

Speak to her mum, ask for the iPad back and drop it. Enough is enough.

QueenLizIII · 08/12/2016 17:35

This child allegedly prefers your home to her own and now you also have her running away scared at school from DD and you.

Nice.

SuburbanRhonda · 08/12/2016 18:23

OP, don't buy expensive makeup on eBay. A huge percentage of it is fake.

I suppose if you bought it for a special occasion at least you're not missing something you wear every day

Mynestisfullofempty · 08/12/2016 18:28

This girl's mother must have noticed that something has changed if she's normally at the OPs.

rollonthesummer · 08/12/2016 18:33

This girl's mother must have noticed that something has changed if she's normally at the OPs.

Maybe not. Maybe the girl is out and hasn't gone home.

GardenGeek · 08/12/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SootSprite · 08/12/2016 19:24

TBH, I would never let her back in my house. Definitely go round to her house tomorrow and don't leave until the iPad and eyeliner have been returned.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 19:36

Sorry your never getting that ipad back

How the hell do you know that? Well, now the DD has probably lost a presumably good friend and this poor girl is too embarrassed to come round to a place that she loved going to and might have been her refuge from an unhappy home life.

TBH, I would never let her back in my house. Definitely go round to her house tomorrow and don't leave until the iPad and eyeliner have been returned

Nice. As if she hasn't hounded this 12 year old who may or may not have taken an eyeliner pencil enough. Did she even know it was that expensive? It's a pencil fgs. Maybe she thought it was not a big deal, maybe she didn't think at all, maybe she just thought she wanted it- she is 12 years old. It is wrong to steal but lets not pretend she murdered someone.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 19:37

Turns out the iPad is already back, I asked dd about it and she said the friend had already returned it.

OP posts:
Mynestisfullofempty · 08/12/2016 19:38

Are you sure, OP? Have you seen it?

Mynestisfullofempty · 08/12/2016 19:39

Sorry, about previous post. Of course your own daughter wouldn't lie. Blush

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 19:47

Yes it's definitely here.

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 08/12/2016 19:48

So she would rather keep the eyeliner than keep her relationship with your DD?

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 19:53

It would appear so :(

It's definitely not here. The cleaner came today and she hoovers in every nook and cranny so if it was here it would have turned up. I'm so disappointed about this.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 19:56

So she would rather keep the eyeliner than keep her relationship with your DD?

I doubt she is doing this because she values the eyeliner above her friendship. She is presumably mortified and she probably won't come back of her own accord. Which seems to be what a lot of PPs think is for the best.

SootSprite · 08/12/2016 20:04

Creaky, she's 12, not 2. She knows the difference between right and wrong. Even if the eyeliner only cost £5 it didn't belong to her, she knew that and took it anyway. No ones saying to hang her from a tall tree. But there needs to be some consequences for her actions.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2016 20:15

Yes she's 12 - very young. She doesn't know how to handle this. It sounds like she may be used to strict and maybe harsh responses from adults.

Maybe ask your DD to let her know you aren't cross and would like to see her if she feels like coming over. Take it from there.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 20:19

No ones saying to hang her from a tall tree. But there needs to be some consequences for her actions

And now there will be. she will presumably lose a friend and will lose the relationship with a woman she said she wished was her mum. Seems possibly harsh for a moment of stupidity deciding to take the eyeliner.

FWIW, I was not saying no consequences at all. I suggested talking to her, giving her the option of giving it back and assuring her that if she did, it would be forgotten about and she would be welcome back. That is not condoning her behaviour, but this girl doesn't sound like the Artful Dodger to be honest. If she were a prolific thief, surely stuff would have gone missing long before this.

Baylisiana · 08/12/2016 20:22

I can't help thinking that a hard nosed, cheeky girl who was confident and stole it for selfish reasons would have talked her way out of it and would be round at yours now eating your food and watching tv. This girl sounds like she needs a different approach, her home life is clearly abnormal....her mother has made no attempt to get to know you despite her daughter practically living at your house....she can't be making that up. I think you are in a great position to show her that stealing is wrong and to remain a friend. That is if she took it, I still think she may has just used it and mislaid it and now be panicking. Which again, a hard nosed little rogue would not be.

thisismyfirsttime · 08/12/2016 20:31

Whilst I think the girl more than likely did take the eyeliner I think it could seem a bit menacing for you to have confronted her and then dd looking for her to say mum wants a word. I think the better thing to do would be for your dd to either not get involved or for dd to say that it's ok, mum just wants to know what happened and that she's still welcome to come round for a tea/ after school play etc (assuming it is ok) and going in a bit gentler with her. If you don't have any inklings about things going missing before I think giving her a way out where it's ok to return it (which she should, new eyeliner or not) and to keep an eye out in future obviously and not have as much of an open house as before but it not being the massive scenario she's probably built up in her head would likely get you the truth. There is a 1% chance she didn't take it and it sounds like you want to try and salvage dd's friendship if it is important to her. But no third chances, ever.

Rixera · 08/12/2016 20:59

I'll be honest with you, 'consequences' can be a heavy word when you have a shit home life, as it seems this girl does.
She may have taken the eyeliner impulsively, as 12 year olds do, and lied about it because she's scared of what being in trouble means to her. Running away from your best friend over something so small is not a healthy reaction.

Just from my perspective, when I was little I was taught to lie by my parents if it would get you out of trouble. If I did something bad I would be hurt if I didn't tell a good enough story, not because what I did was wrong, and being hurt doesn't encourage confidence and owning up anyway. And I would keep nice things as treasures to look at or wear in order to feel better/like I had something of my own.

Twelve year olds aren't emotionally nature enough to handle every situation well, and need a bit of empathy if they have a 'scary mum'.