Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

[Clara81]

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

Until the eyeliner was returned the op couldn't be certain she took it though She didn't see her take it and she wasn't the only person with access to it.

I was certain she took it. I knew I'd seen it the day before, and I knew that neither of my kids would be interested in it. I was right. Maybe my suspicion seems harsh to some but I'm the only one who knows the children involved, and knows where I left my makeup etc.

You didn't think your kids would be interested. And it turned out you were right. But you use the word 'certain' in a different way to most people I know. Let's just hope you don't get called up for jury service

That suggestion only standing IF the DD wants to maintain that friendship, obviously.

And it wasn't that they must bake gingerbread specifically, but to suggest that in order not to lose that friendship for OPs DD it would be a good thing to try and restore the equilibrium again.

I am in no way 'wringing my hands'. OP called the girl out good and proper so she's had a pretty black and white lesson that I'm sure she'll never forget and deservedly so. I'm not sure how much further or how much longer it needs to be drawn out - how much more of a point needs pressing home? Judging by the disappearance message was received loud and clear.

I think it was fairly brave of the girl to return the eyeliner.

Of course she is old enough to know that it was 'not right' to take it, but she obviously didn't foresee the consequences in the way that an adult would. I know plenty of adults who are quite happy to steal (not buying train tickets, taking cutlery and crockery from restaurants, not declaring their earnings for tax, not saying if they are given too much change in a shop, etc etc. Students constantly steal each others' food. I'm sure most of us are guilty of some of these). But an adult wouldn't steal from a friend because they wouldn't want to risk the friendship or would be embarrassed - not so much because they know that stealing is wrong.

A 12 year old should be cut some slack and I think the OP has been quite reasonable in the way it's been handled.

Also you don't need a terrible home life with abusive parents to prefer the atmosphere at someone else's house. I had a friend at that age at whose house I spent a lot of time. I'm grateful to her parents for putting up with me (not that I stole anything but I'm sure I wasn't always perfectly behaved, and I probably wasn't particularly grateful for the meals offered, because at 12 you take all that for granted. I was probably about 18 before I realised that food cost money).

Lots of kids to daft things at this age - it's not unusual and doesn't make them 'bad' for the rest of their lives - it is often a one off event.
I think you have handled it perfectly - you got your eyeliner back and the girl knows that you are aware of what she has done.
How you move forwards depends on the outcome you want. If you want to go back to the girl coming round every night, I would get a message to her letting her know as long as she apologises she is welcome to keep coming round. if you prefer the new situation where she is not round all the time, then I would do nothing else.

Francis It's all relative.
To me, a 12 year old is a little girl. A child.
She's not a 15/16 y/o, which I see as the 'twilight zone' in the middle of childhood/adulthood. She's not an adult.
I think of how I saw myself at 12. Think you know everything. Looking back, I was a little girl who knew nothing

Yes, she should be transported through the town whilst irate eyeliner wearers pelt her with their expired product, lest she have not got the message yet that she did something wrong.

Jeez Louise - talk about overkill. Sounds like she'd need to have her own barrister if you were involved in this matter!

Duh, I think we all understand that there is a difference between a 5 and 12 year old which is why things like Gillick Competency is a thing with respect to children having decision-making abilities of different levels at different ages.

You're still banging on about it excessively though, in my opinion.

We've established (once again) that she did wrong, she gave it back, she's clearly mortified and embarrassed and likely deeply deeply ashamed and feeling very very very awkward. That would be enough for me and I wouldn't be surprised that when she did come round if she didn't have a slightly tearful sorry to say.

Whenever someone disagrees with you FrancisC do they get told they're 'going off the deep end'?! I'm perfectly calm but I think you are going OTT and am entitled to say so.

Don't think there is going to much in the way of an update this side of Christmas. Dd saw the friend in school today and gave her a cheerful 'hi xxx', and the friend muttered something about having to go to her tutor room and scarpered.

Dd is off to her dad's on Friday until Christmas so definitely won't be seeing her friend then. I've a feeling once they go back in January things will have blown over.

It sounds like there may be some sort of problem between her and her mum.... you dont know what her home life is like but it cant be good if your daughter is scared to go round there!
So i wouldnt approach her mother id just sit her down and tell her you want the eyeliner back straight away but you are going to trust her from now on and hope that she lives up to that and you can all move on from this.

I have read the thread from start to finish and was fully aware that you were referring to the other poster's comments about that age status of a 12 yo girl.

I haven't 'established' anything but interestingly, a v recent post and the behaviour of the girl in question would seem to confirm something along those lines since the dear friend scuttled off at the first sign of direct contact.

Is this still going on?

You got your stuff back. They're unlikely to be friends ever again.

Just leave it be.

Am I the only one thinking that if op is "a single mum and not exactly minted" that £25 for an eyeliner is a tad extravagant? There is plenty of good make up out there a lot cheaper! As for theft you don't know it's yours but would just say next time girls are together that yours has gone, you are upset and that you are going to check the special cc tv you have installed as a safety measure. I did this once with some 10 yr olds surprising how much stuff "came back" ;)

car5ys no, not at all. She could've saved up 50p a week for all you know. What a fucking rude comment. I didn't know MN were the money police

car5ys "As for theft you don't know it's yours"

If you'd RTFT you'd know that the girl has returned the eyeliner to the OP. There was no point in you reviving the thread when it had all been resolved.

When will this be classified "zombie"?

I would write off the eyeliner, especially as she has been using it (if it is yours?) germs dear, germs! Give this event some cooling down space, then if she does come back to visit, install some rules! NO going in your room under ANY circumstances, especially NOT using your make up! Pink eye/herpes anyone? If she doesn't come round for a while you can recoup the £25 on the takeaways you buy her!

Explain to DD that 'X' won't be visiting for a while and explain that some boundaries have been crossed so you all need some space! Accusing this girl of theft when all you have is suspicion could blow up in your face!....what if DD has borrowed it, what if it turns up down the back of a dressing table....I wouldn't take it any further but make the girl aware there are areas of your home that are out of bounds if she returns.

As far as 'the confession' goes (are you sure your ancestors weren't at the Salem Witch trials?) the child, yes I think she's still a child gets put right on the spot by an enraged adult in public, no wonder she appeared 'guilty' you didn't ASK you ACCUSED!!

No wonder she hasn't been round, she's terrified, you see this as guilt!!

I hear the Spanish Inquisition are hiring if you are interested!

JinnanTonik the girl returned the eyeliner she stole from the OP! Does no one RTFT anymore?