Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mynestisfullofempty · 10/12/2016 14:15

"I think you and your DD are being very measured and sensible"

I agree 100%. Smile

EweAreHere · 10/12/2016 14:21

She's made a mistake and is obviously mortified. You were right to ask her about it, and I'm glad she's returned the eye liner. Hopefully it will all quietly blow over over the holidays. It sounds like she needs a friend and an adult who has actual time for her in her life, and that might be you.

MsMarvel · 10/12/2016 14:35

Putting in a child's logic from a similar situation....

When I was around the same age as this girl, I was with my mum visiting her friend. Her friend's son had lots of Pokemon cards, including 2 of the same, quite rare card.

I still remember the burning feeling that it was so u fair that he had two and I had none. It felt so unjust. So I took one.

My mum realised after a few days, and returned it, and I was completely mortified. To this day, I will actively avoid this guy even though our parents are still very good friends.

For me, the motive wasn't deliberate badness, and I genuinely believed it was fairer to take one. I know now Thats not how it works, but my mind at that age saw this as simple logic.

It sounds like similar for this girl. If she has strict parents she probably isn't allowed make up etc, so seeing other people with the stuff she can't have will seem so unfair. Not justifying it, what she did was definately wrong, but the motives aren't as clear cut black and white as they would be if she was an adult.

WeDoNotSow · 10/12/2016 17:43

Of course a twelve year old is a little girl! She's not an adult, is she?!?

I can't stand all this 'she should know better'.
I'm sure she does know better.
Again, 8 defy anyone on this thread to tell me they've never done something that they 'should've known better' than to do.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 17:49

Yes we all make mistakes and she's taken one step to rectify thing but needs to take the second.

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevEm · 10/12/2016 18:19

You have no proof she took it. If it really is a big deal, ask her mum and leave it to her to sort out. You have no right to be accusing her without proof, and actually by saying 'you were the last one with it, it needs to be either found or replaced'... is both accusatory and implicitly threatening. OK she is 12, still a child..but not your child. Contact the mother.

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2016 19:02

. I think that she is jealous of my kids because according to dd and her friends I am a 'super chill' mum, I'm pretty easy going and I have a laugh with them. And I wouldn't say my kids are spoilt but I do take them on fun trips out and buy them little treats here and there. Seems like she doesn't get any of that kind of stuff at home.

But that doesn't mean that she has a deprived home life or that her mother is an awful person. Different styles of parenting.

LotsOfShoes · 10/12/2016 19:10

While she did something wrong, I don't really understand where this level of anger you have shown here is coming from. I've never known anyone be so angry over an eyeliner. 12 year olds do stupid stuff like this and you could have had a talk with her and then let it go - for DD's sake. But all the things you said here, telling her that there will be consequences etc seems quite harsh.

LagunaBubbles · 11/12/2016 00:55

Rev em and others - if you can't be bothered reading the whole thread you can highlight the OPs posts a different colour.

KittyWindbag · 11/12/2016 03:36

I feel really sorry for this girl. She made a mistake and it's really hard to own up to it because she's feeling ashamed and awkward. I used to steal small things from my childminders house because I coveted things she and her daughter had. I envied their relationship and how different their life and home was from mine. I couldn't have articulated why I did those things at the time, despite being a mature kid. It was never anything expensive, glass beads or dried flowers etc, but I'm sure she noticed. She was only ever loving and kind to me.

I feel like this girl should be forgiven and welcomed back, no pressure to return to the very all-consuming friendship she had before with your DD.

girls friendships at that age are also so intense. Sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like to be 12, insecure, defined by your friends and perhaps unhappy at home.

Scruffles · 11/12/2016 07:40

Eyeliner issues aside it worries me that she was at your house so often and her mum wasn't bothered and doesn't even really know you. Also the fact that the daughter has said that her mum won't take her to the doctors when she's ill is a massive red flag too, surely that's neglect at least?

alfagirl73 · 11/12/2016 12:03

I think your DD sounds like a very sensible and lovely young lady! :-)

As for the friend; she is quite certainly feeling scared, embarrassed, ashamed and may well want to make amends/apologise but I guarantee that by this point, she will have built it all up in her head to where the thought of even coming face to face with you is too much. While I acknowledge that you want her to make the first move in making amends etc... do bear in mind that she might need a little "help" in doing so, even if it's just a text or letter to open the lines of communication and let her know that the world isn't going to end over this.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2016 16:47

is anyone else reading this thread really feeling for this young girl ?

OP, please reach out to her.

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BakeOffBiscuits · 11/12/2016 17:09

Yes AnyFucker, I very much feel sorry for her, poor girl.

I also feel sorry for the OP's dd because she's lost a very good friend, who she spent a lot of time with.

CaraAspen · 11/12/2016 17:22

She might have learnt a lesson, however. Not everyone lets you off with things.

Pollyanna9 · 11/12/2016 17:32

I also feel maybe a text to the girl to say hope we'll see you in the hols - we're making Xmas gingerbread on Wednesday - hope you'll be able to pop over.

God sakes she did wrong but she's only 12. Helping her back over the threshod seems reasonable.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2016 17:41

That sounds great, Polly. I would do something similar. I think she's been punished enough, tbh and would invite her back (of course, any repeat thefts and she is history). I haven't seen any indication that op's dd wants the friendship to end.

FrancisCrawford · 11/12/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2016 17:43

So op could ask her daughter if she wants her to continue visiting.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2016 17:44

If op's dd doesn't want her to come round, then irrespective of recent events, op could and should have already put a stop to it.

RandyMagnum2 · 11/12/2016 18:06

Love how people were saying "you can't be certain she took it" then it gets returned from the person accused of taking it, some of you people on here are so naive.

Load of handwringing apologists on here, who wouldn't label her a thief (even though she stole property that wasn't hers), and are aghast at confronting her about the theft.

It's embarrassing.