Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

[Clara81]

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

Definitely wasn't my dd1 that took it, she is not into wearing make up at all. She has tonnes of her own make up and never goes near it.

I realise that the friend would have had no idea that it was an expensive eyeliner.

I don't think she is very happy at home, her mum hardly ever seems to be there, and she does seem quite strict. The friend wasn't allowed to have a pumpkin at Halloween, or go trick or treating, or have an advent calander. I don't really know much more about her home life tbh.

Oh please, posters are now trying to imply there's something wrong at her home because she spends a lot of time at yours. maybe she just likes being at yours.
Don't let it go. Her parents need to know.

I think that 12 y.o. should be allowed to mess up without it being a life-defining matter. Do the "I am not angry, I am disappointed in you" thing and give her the get-out to put things right.

I think if she is frightened of her mum and looks on you like a parent figure (at your house all the time etc) I would try to find a bit of kindness. Next time you get her at yours and sit her down, tell her that you're as pisses about the lying as the stealing and that you feel like she's betrayed your trust. You love her/like her/want her around but she can't take the piss. Then offer the options of:

-returning it
-giving you the money
-working it off by washing the car/doing the dishes/walking the dog.

If she hadn't taken it, I would think she would have got upset when confronted but she didn't - you need to ring the mum and hope she tells the truth whether she bought her one or not ..... I reckon she has pinched it

She does look at me like a parent figure, she often says she wishes I was her mum.

Just remembered that she's got dd1's iPad too, which dd lent her weeks ago without telling me. I think that needs to come back too.

If she looks to OP as a parent figure who she can turn to, she shouldn't have taken without asking.

That's the polite way of saying stealing. Either she has to make good and apologise then OP can draw a line in the sand or she will never be trusted nor very welcome in her home again.

When I took dd1 to school this morning I told her to tell her friend that I want the eyeliner back today, or there will be consequences. I just haven't quite decided what the consequences will be yet. It's really sad that she's done this because it has been lovely for dd1 having a friend that lives so nearby to hang out with, she didn't have any friends for a long time.

It is possible she has a really deprived home life.
either financially or emotionally.
so, she is at yours 'like another home'.

she might well have taken the eyeliner, either because she wants IT for itself, or because she is really needy and wants something of yours - sounds like you are being a kindly '2nd mum' figure for her.

it does need sorting, or it will happen again, unless you ban her which would negatively affect your dd.

I'd talk to her again. Then I'd maybe approach the Mum. I'd want to know the Mum better anyway, if the dd is spending so much time at my house?

I would like to talk to her again but I've a feeling she is going to go all out to avoid me!

Well she is sure she took it, when confronted "she looked sheepish and said ok" sounds as good as sure she took it to me

x posts.

She 'wishes you were her Mum'. Poor kid, that's really sad.

Yes, get iPad back pronto. Get replacement eyeliner.
Decide if you trust her back in the house.

But try to be compassionate - sounds like she has a poor home life, to say that?

I'd talk to HER about it, rather than the mother, as who knows what that might unleash upon her?

Maybe you could ask your Dd to tell her friend that she is still welcome to come to your kitchen for a chat with you. That you are worried about her, rather than furious. It might make all the difference?

You sound a really kind person.

If you let them hang out in your room, using your straighteners & make up, it's no wonder she thinks her Mum is strict.

You need to get the iPad back.

I'd say the consequences are that when she's there they stay in the sitting room, where you can keep an eye on them, if they can't be trusted.

I wouldn't have mentioned it other than to ask both of them whether they had seen your eyeliner? No accusation but letting her know you had noticed.

Also don't let them in your room or near your stuff- they can do all that stuff in DD's room.

At 12 she is old enough to know that stealing is wrong. I would be very uncomfortable with the whole 'I wish you were my Mum' business as well (seen the film 'Thirteen' at all anyone?)

I'd be more worried about the IPad than the eyeliner you need to get both back ASAP and this girl needs to understand that stealing is wrong she is old enough to understand that already though. Next time I wouldn't leave them unattended in your bedroom because you never know what she might try and half inch next time.

I would just let the situation unfold for a day or two. I wouldn't necessarily ring her mum just yet. See if she comes back to the house for a lift, then say "Have you got my eyeliner?" If she doesn't come back to the house, consider ringing her mum to ask for the iPad back and also the eyeliner that she "borrowed without asking".

In future though, sad as it sounds, I would say that your room and makeup etc should be out of bounds to your DD's friends. I wouldn't have been allowed to go rootling through drawers and makeup bags in my friends' parents bedrooms. There are boundaries. Your DD can of course but friends... I would say no to that.

The price of the eyeliner is irrelevant - she wouldn't have known that. I would let that aspect of the situation go right now.

She's round your house all the time, eating with you, getting old phones off you and her mother has never a bother to make contact with you. I have alarm bells there.

She said she wishes you were here mum. That would raise alarm bells for me too I wouldn't take as a compliment I would be concerned about her home life.

Not bothered about the Halloween pumpkins etc, that's a family's choice of how they celebrate different festivals.

I really hope you are right and I am assuming that you are, but you don't have any proof so I really hope you haven't forfeited this relationship to find it somewhere else at some point.

I think your bf is right. Completely writing her off over this one misdemeanour is not good for you and not good for her. I would seek her out and give her a chance to make amends. It's a first offence. She is possibly very upset and scared - if it's the first time she has done anything like this then she has only just realised she is a theif as well. That can be scary.

I wouldn't expect the full £25 to replace it, if that feels like a lot of money for an eyeliner then you chose one that was too expensive.

She's 12. I'm wondering if she's mortally embarrassed and doesn't know how to return it or to back down from her story. It sounds as though she's from overly strict parentage, and if this is the case, owning up will be very tough for her and will go against her every instinct.

I don't think I'd get her mother involved unless necessary, but I would make more of an effort to get to know the mother. If you genuinely are this girls' mother figure, you will be a very very important person in her life. I know you aren't responsible for this child but if she really has placed an emotional attachment on you and if her life at home is tough blowing this up could be very detrimental to her mental stability. I'd tread carefully TBH until you know how her mother will react.

This I am saying a someone, who desperately needed a better mum. She's made a very silly decision.

This all needs to be calmed down, she has made a mistake, it was very wrong but she is 12 and this is not something that should define her.
Maybe try and more gentle approach in handling this?

I would actually be inclined to give her a second chance. I think I might have pinched makeup when I was 12. It doesn't mean I am a thieving scumbag- I was just a kid and sometimes kids do things like that.

I would tell her that you won't be angry if she gives you back the eyeliner. If she has said she wishes you were her mum, she obviously holds you in high regard and I bet she is mortified about this. I would reassure her that if you have it back, neither of you will mention it again and I would encourage her to come back to the house. It sounds as if your house is a safe haven for her if she is not happy at home. Obviously if she does not give it back, you will need to speak to her mum. Maybe you should find out more about her mum anyway and get a sense of what this girl's home life is like.

I think you have been a bit too lax with her generally, but what she has almost certainly done is clearly wrong

I think she needs a chance to explain herself & then you ought to speak to her mum.

She does look at me like a parent figure, she often says she wishes I was her mum

And you just go along with that without trying to get to know her real mum a bit?

Either she does have a too strict/difficult home life or there are some boundaries being overstepped here.

Don't know which.

I have had a really good look for it, because I really wanted it to be here, but there's no sign. So either she has taken it or put it elsewhere in the house because it's certainly not in my bedroom anymore. Either way, as the last person with it, I think the onus on her is to find it again. If she took it, then it's a really daft thing for her to have done, maybe she thought I wouldn't notice for a while and not put 2 and 2 together.