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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 14:50

BumWad

I'd sell it on eBay and get a couple more eyeliners...

Grin

Touché.

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Interesting2Me · 09/12/2016 14:53

I stole 10 pounds out of a family friend's wallet when I was 14 years old. I was staying at her house because my parents were out of town but had missed my bus and had to get a taxi home. I didn't have enough money and she was upstairs so I just took it. When she came down, she checked her wallet to give me money for the taxi I'd paid for(!) and saw I'd stolen it.

I was SO MORTIFIED. It was the only time I'd ever stolen anything in my life. I am SO GRATEFUL that she was annoyed, told me off and then basically forgot about it. I think that if we hadn't had it out right there and then, I might have also kept away embarrassed, knowing it was a moment of madness. I've never stolen since (or before).

She is ONLY TWELVE. Stealing at 12 does not mean you are necessarily going to be a lifelong thief. She is not an habitual thief? She is a child and frankly, she has a really difficult home life and may be learning from home that when in trouble, lie lie lie.

Even if you reduce how much she comes over, can't you even find it in your heart not to be angry with her?

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daydream007 · 09/12/2016 18:00

You need to tell her mum. You have done so much for this girl and this is the payment you get? How awful.

impossible · 09/12/2016 18:12

I think you should take the kindest possible approach. This girl may need you - you and your dd may be a place of refuge for her. She perhaps did wrong but if so dont let an impulsive moment become mean that she is afraid to to come to you again. We all do stupid things, especially at that sort of age. Find a way to let her sort it out discretely rather than push her into a corner. I wouldn't tell the mum if you dont know her and don't know her response. It sounds as though until now this girl has been nice so I would find a way to invite her back rather than alienate her and break up her friendship with your dd. Then separately in future perhaps try to get to know her mum a little.

Something similar happened to me a few years ago involving a neighbour (aged 12) and some money I left on the side. I said please could this not happen again and moved swifty on. I knew her life was hard at home. It never happened again and I later found I was one of the few people in a difficult life she felt was on her side.

I think you should give her a chance.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 18:17

You need to tell her mum. You have done so much for this girl and this is the payment you get? How awful

Oh for gods sake. Multiple posts about how she might be having a hard time at home, the OP's DD is too scared of the mum to go round there and the OP has already told the school and told the girl off. What do you want? Blood? She took an eyeliner pencil for crying out loud, she wasn't responsible for a genocide. Oh and unless you missed it- she is 12 years old.

Biscuit

pamhill64 · 09/12/2016 18:24

Unfortunately many kids do this sort of thing at her age so it's classed as age appropriate and not necessarily an indication of her character or future behaviour. I'm not excusing her in any way! Gently talk to her mum and get it returned or replaced. Let her make amends and earn back trust. Doubt shel do it again after this but keep an eye out and have rules of not going upstairs for a good while. We all cock up but need to know we can make it right and move on. But do let her mum handle any punishment.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnyfuller · 09/12/2016 18:30

She's 12 your daughter is 6? And she lives at your house? Weird friendship dynamic. Alarm bells would be ringing for me, over and above being her mum's free school transport/childminder.
And don't let kids play with expensive make up ffs!!

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 18:31

pamhill have you actually RTFT? The eyeliner has been returned and the mum is possibly a scary disciplinarian.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 18:32

bunnyfuller, same to you. RTFT. The OP's DD1 is 12 and in the same year as the girl. The OP also happens to have a younger child. The friend does not live with the OP, she spends a lot of time there.

Bunnyfuller · 09/12/2016 18:47

Mea culpa MN

Ilovetorrentialrain · 09/12/2016 19:16

Bunnyfuller what? No. You've not read the OP's posts.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 09/12/2016 19:18

X list with creaky except creaky had the patience to explain. Just FTFT!

Ilovetorrentialrain · 09/12/2016 19:18

Or even RTFT!

EZA15 · 09/12/2016 20:22

What do you think you will do going forward op?

Bunnyfuller · 09/12/2016 20:53

I was referring to 'pretty much lives at our house' and had th temerity to note quote word for word. I must admit I didn't see the DD2 which is why I was confused about the age rati. I still think having a child around to that extent (lifts, eating with you most evenings) is a bit odd when her mum doesn't appear to know you? And to not try to establish some sort of link with he mum to have an idea of the dynamic. Does she live near? How does she get home? Just curious beyond the whole eyeliner thing.

Chocolatesmudges · 09/12/2016 21:13

Clara she may not be lying because it sounds like the one she said her mum bought her is a gel liner (pot with brush) which actually looks very much like a liquid liner when applied?

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 21:26

Chocolatesmudges, is that a joke? When she has now given back the eyeliner that she took? R.T.F.T.

dowhatnow · 09/12/2016 21:50

I'd just talk to her and say thanks for being honest and returning it. That took courage and shows she wants to make amends, even if it didn't cross her mind to write sorry. Discuss why she did it and then move on. You'd forgive your own child wouldn't you. She's 12 and deserves a second chance. It would have been easier for her to continue to deny it.

Perhaps gradually start setting her some boundaries for when she comes over if its too much for your dd's.

Clarabellb · 09/12/2016 21:56

I wouldn't want it back for hygiene reasons. But, at 12, I'd still give her a chance to put it right.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeDoNotSow · 09/12/2016 22:12

Wow. I'm glad you got your eye liner back, but fuck me, people are mad.
The girl made a mistake.
I'm assuming all the 'old enough to know better' commenters have never made a mistake.
I know I have made mistakes, where as soon as I've said/done something I think 'why the fuck did I do/say that'
I defy anyone on this thread to tell me they haven't done the same.

And as for the 'she chose an eyeliner over your DDs friendship' comment.. what the actual fuck? That's the least logical conclusion here...

ChangelingToday · 09/12/2016 23:20

I want to know what the eyeliner is Hmm