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Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:20

I don't know what dd thinks, I didn't really get a chance to talk to her. She handed it to me right in front of the head of SENCO and a couple of other teachers, who looked at me quizzically when I opened it, so I briefly explained to them what had happened. They looked really shocked, so I'm not sure if they will be having a word with the friend about it or not get involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:22

Phoebe I have 2 dds, one 6 and one 12. Eyeliner friend is dd1s friend.

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 13:24

Just a note with the words 'I'm sorry' inside the envelope would have been enough. I'm shocked, even though I knew full well she'd taken it

Well, you've had the eyeliner back and you have had the ipad back. She is probably so mortified that she doesn't want to come round there again. This is a 12 year old girl by the way. You might expect an apology note, but she is a child. Perhaps she does not know what the etiquette is. I doubt she will trouble you much again, so maybe think of this as a success. Please do not chase her for an apology or anything like that.

Phoebeby, she's not. The OP has a 6yo but it's her elder girl who is friends with the 12 yo.

kali110 · 09/12/2016 13:24

What about your ipad???

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 13:26

What about your ipad???

She has returned it. It was the DD's ipad anyway and the girl had borrowed it.

NancyJoan · 09/12/2016 13:30

I would text the girl - "thank you for returning for the eyeliner, it takes courage to admit to something like that, see you soon when you next see DD"

Yes, this. She sounds like a troubled kid, but she's only a child. Probably didn't know what to do. Next time you see her, give her a hug and tell her not to do something so silly again.

When I was a kid I was very unhappy, had a really weird family life, I occasionally stole from my friends, it felt like I could take a bit of their nice life home with me. I didn't know how to talk about the way I felt —or who to talk to—so that was what I did.

CaraAspen · 09/12/2016 13:37

The girl is clearly light-fingered and she lies. I don't think it's helpful in the long run to makes excuses for her behaviour - not that anyone posting actually knows, of course, why she behaves as she does. There need not always be a reason.
It's about time she was taught right from wrong instead of feeling it is okay for her to slip whatever she fancies into her pocket or wherever.

CaraAspen · 09/12/2016 13:38

Lots of kids have difficult home lives but they do not steal.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 13:42

When I was a kid I was very unhappy, had a really weird family life, I occasionally stole from my friends, it felt like I could take a bit of their nice life home with me. I didn't know how to talk about the way I felt —or who to talk to—so that was what I did

Me too, NancyJoan. I think all the posters here shouting 'thief' must have had perfect upbringings with parents who bothered to teach them right from wrong. And yet, I bet some of these 'perfect' parents' children will go on to shoplift, as many teens do. Maybe that will make them stop and realise that sometimes children and young people do things that are not good. It makes their behaviour bad, it doesn't make them bad people. From what the OP has described, this girl is not bad. She appears to be mortified, she has returned the eyeliner, she hasn't come round. If she didn't give a shit, she could have laughed in your face, continued to come round or have stolen other stuff.

So far, the OP has confronted her in town, told her DD to tell her that she wants a word with her and now told staff at the girl's school all about what was a very minor incident. I think the consequences have gone far enough, especially if she is now reprimanded at school as well.

Plus, I doubt she knew the exact cost. Maybe she didn't even look at the brand. If this is a kohl pencil, you're an idiot for paying £25 for it. Even a YSL Couture Kajal is only £18.95 (and no better than a £5 Bourjois one).

UnbornMortificado · 09/12/2016 13:43

Cara I do agree with you about the stealing. I just think the fact that op's DD is actually scared of her friends mam is quite worrying.

I grew up in a rough area and had a friend who's mam had a drink problem (now recovered) even though I sort of knew something wasn't right I wasn't scared of her iyswim?

Could be violence or anything.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 13:45

Lots of kids have difficult home lives but they do not steal

True, some of them engage in violence, vandalism, underage drinking, underage sex or drugs instead. Some self-harm or suffer depression or eating disorders. Yes, some manage to cope absolutely brilliantly with difficult circumstances, but stealing one item of makeup is definitely not the worst thing that a kid with a troubled home life can do.

GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 13:46

OP. In my opinion you really messed up how you dealt with this situation. I hope your conscience will punish you the same way you seem intent on punishing this young girl and you will work out how to make it better. Sad

kali110 · 09/12/2016 13:46

I thought op has said it's not in her house though?

creaky just because you wouldn't spend £25 on makeup don't call op an idiot Hmm
Not everybody can actually wear cheap makeup Confused nor does it matter how much she spent on it!
I bet if it was a £5 eyeliner she wouldn't be getting sarcy comments Hmm

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:47

I'm really torn about what to do next. I think that she is jealous of my kids because according to dd and her friends I am a 'super chill' mum, I'm pretty easy going and I have a laugh with them. And I wouldn't say my kids are spoilt but I do take them on fun trips out and buy them little treats here and there. Seems like she doesn't get any of that kind of stuff at home. So I feel sorry for her, and part of me wants to give her another chance but on the other hand I'm so cross that she stole from me and then lied to my face about it.

She never comes over at the weekend anyway so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what next week brings.

OP posts:
WetPaint4 · 09/12/2016 13:47

I'd be waiting for a proper apology from this girl. She's 12, she's not a little girl. She made the decision to take the eyeliner (and not knowing the cost isn't even the point), stood and lied to your face about it, now she needs to be mature enough to apologise.

I'm in my thirties and I find it hard to say sorry but it's not difficult to write a note to somebody and face up to doing something dumb. If she doesn't know the power of a genuine apology, now's not a bad time to learn.

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:50

Don't really see how I have messed up - I confronted her in town (calmly) because I knew she had stolen from me. I was right.

Then I told dd to pass on the message that I expected it to be returned. It was.

How have I messed up exactly?

OP posts:
keekaw · 09/12/2016 13:50

How does your dd feel about this girl? I ask because having someone round every day makes it difficult to have boundaries in a friendship. It's possible that your dd will welcome having a breather.

keekaw · 09/12/2016 13:51

Think you've managed the situation very well btw (I had a similar one) and it's very good the girl has given it back. I'd forgive her but be wary

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:51

And it was an eyeliner pen, not a pencil, if that makes me any less of an idiot.

OP posts:
hutchblue · 09/12/2016 13:52

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:54

Thanks keekaw, I don't know, I will have a chat with dd later and get her take on it all. I think she does find it a bit much that her friend was there all the time. In fact that's why the friend was hanging out with dd2, sometimes dd1 will shut herself away in her room and lock the door (she has ASD and there's only so much interaction she can handle), and when she does that the friend will just go and hang out with dd2 rather than go home.

OP posts:
CaraAspen · 09/12/2016 13:55

"GravyAndShite

OP. In my opinion you really messed up how you dealt with this situation. I hope your conscience will punish you the same way you seem intent on punishing this young girl and you will work out how to make it better. sad"

Why the sad face when your post is so unpleasant? The OP is not the guilty party here and has dealt properly with the situation.

aginghippy · 09/12/2016 14:01

Good idea to have a chat with dd and find out what she wants. The girl is dd's friend, after all.

I would be thinking about what boundaries I want to set going forward. Definitely no more playing in your room. Maybe asking friend to leave if dd doesn't want to play with her.

Yes the girl probably has a crap home situation. While you can be kind to her and forgive her, you can't solve her problems.

diddl · 09/12/2016 14:01

I'd leave it to your daughter now to continue the friendship or not tbh.

This might have put her off the girl or the girl might not want to visit anymore.

Either way, some space sounds a good idea, especially if the girl would still hang around even when your daughter had had enough.

Her home life might not be that bad, it just might not be how she wants it to be!

I'm sure that I thought that lots of my friends had it better than me-turns out we all had it more or less the same!

When busy with friends we often didn't get into trouble as we did as we were told in front of them iyswim.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 14:02

And it was an eyeliner pen, not a pencil, if that makes me any less of an idiot

I am sorry for calling you an idiot.

I wouldn't let your expectations of how she should apologise influence you too much

Agree 100% with this. You are coming at it from an adult's perspective. Also, I would avoid taking extreme personal offence at the fact that she took the eyeliner- I doubt very much she did it to hurt you. It's up to you how you deal with it, but unless you have been a child/teenager with an unhappy home life, you can't understand how lonely and all-consuming it is. That is probably why she wouldn't go home even when her friend shut herself in her bedroom.

You could have dealt with this much, much better, but maybe overall it is for the best if your DD finds it overwhelming to have her friend over all of the time.

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