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Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 08:05

You've handled it really well OP. She knows she over stepped the line. I would text her and say 'thank you for returning the eye liner and apologising. It was the right thing to do'

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 08:31

Wasn't the word sorry written? Maybe I misread?

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 08:38

Oh dear. In that case I wouldn't contact her at all. She still needs to apologise even if it's just by text or note.

Bertieboo1 · 10/12/2016 08:42

I think as she will be feeling mortified, she probably saw the return as the equivalent of an apology. How many of us find apologising easy to do? And that is without 'scary mum' who probably hasn't taught her manners.

LowMaintenance101 · 10/12/2016 08:50

I haven't read the full thread, but I'm wondering how strict the other Mum can really be if her DD is spending all her spare time at your house and has only spoken with you on the telephone a few times. I have no experience of 12 year olds but I would imagine most parents would want to know a bit more about the adults taking care of their DC on such a regular basis.
It does sound like there may be issues at home (neglect?)
Puts you in an awful position though.

LowMaintenance101 · 10/12/2016 08:53

Sorry - just seen that she has returned the eyeliner. Is it definitely yours (as in, can you see it has been used)? Or could it be a new replacement?

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 08:57

A text with one word 'sorry' would be enough. Or even telling your DD she is sorry.

Ethylred · 10/12/2016 09:07

The eye-liner is gone, sorry. Chalk it up to experience. And your daughter has learnt that betrayal is possible, which is a sad but important lesson.

And would you actually want to use the eye-liner even if you did get it back? It would be all over germs from this not-very-nice girl.

NoSunNoMoon · 10/12/2016 09:14

Read the thread FFS, Ethyl

creakyknees13 · 10/12/2016 09:15

Ethylred she DID get it back. FFS, even if you can't be arsed to read the whole thread, why don't you just read the last few messages or something?

diddl · 10/12/2016 09:17

Op, just put your daughter first.

Why didn't the girl go home when your daughter had had enough?

I know that she didn't want to, but why wasn't she made to?

Sounds as if she might have been just using your house as somewhere to be that wasn't hers.

In which case she probably isn't that bothered about your daughter iyswim.

So I wouldn't feel too bad for her if your daughter decides to make new friendships.

Ethylred · 10/12/2016 09:20

What, read the thread? 11 pages?? Never.

Letseatgrandma · 10/12/2016 09:22

Why bother posting then, Ethyl?!

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 09:23

Yes then don't post if you can't offer advice based on all the facts.

creakyknees13 · 10/12/2016 09:41

Ethyl, so why post some random nonsensical advice that won't help the OP whatsoever then? You're adding nothing and just making yourself look like an idiot. Even if you don't read the whole thread, just the posts directly above yours would have told you the eyeliner is now back.

redpeppersoup · 10/12/2016 09:46

Some people are really making themselves look like arses on this thread.

KarmaNoMore · 10/12/2016 09:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everythingtoplayfor · 10/12/2016 10:18

She's just a little 12 year old girl who made a mistake. She sees you as a mother figure, her own mum is a bit odd and she probably admires you and wants to be more like you... go gently, it must have taken so much courage to return the eyeliner and she didn't have the emotional maturity yet to know what to say. You could have a very positive impact on her like if you can handle this in the right way, and at some point when she trusts you you may have an opportunity to have a heart to heart about what's going on for her and why she might have done it - from a point of understanding and forgiveness not blame.

FaintlyHopeful · 10/12/2016 12:10

I was a terrible thief around that age. I was really unhappy at home and kind of jealous of everyone else's apparently happy and abundant lives. It was a way of having a tiny piece of that. I'm not proud of it but it didn't set me on a life course of crime. I really identify with the girls feeling that she wishes you were her mum, I used to think that all the time and it shockingly painful. I can remember having an epiphany and realising that my friends family would never be mine no matter how nice they were to me. She clearly looks to you as a model of a good parent and while you didn't ask for that, maybe you could demonstrate that she can do something wrong and move on from it? I'll bet she's mortified even if it doesn't appear so. Even now, decades on I still think about how my friends lovely mum would respond when I'm struggling as a parent. She is probably the single biggest influence in my life and without her kindness and understanding I would have had no examples of adults behaving in a consistent and caring way.

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2016 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 13:31

12 year olds can be very young mentally or very mature. I know ones who still behave like 7 year olds and others who are more like mini mums.

Original poster
Clara81 · 10/12/2016 14:03

I spoke to dd about it all last night. Turns out the friend didn't hand the envelope to dd, she gave it to a teacher to hand it to dd. I asked dd what she thought about it all, and she said that it was wrong of her friend to steal but she is young and young people make mistakes (she's like a wise old woman, dd1 Grin). She also said it makes her wonder if the friend has taken other things from our house, which has crossed my mind too. I think I will leave it and see what happens over the next few days, I'm guessing the friend will carry on avoiding her, then they have 3 weeks off school. I think what happens next needs to be led by dd and the friend, I've told dd that I would like to talk to the friend and I won't be cross with her, so if and when the friend stops running away every time she sees dd, then perhaps we can have the chat.

I know she will be feeling wretched about it, and kicking herself as she walks to and from school instead of having a lift (it's quite a long way). I think that is enough of a punishment but I want her to make the first move to reconnect with either dd or me to be able to sort this out.

OP posts: