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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:
monkeysox · 07/12/2016 20:48

Yanbu. Are you doing enough house work? If not then yabu. A lot of men don't get that.

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:57

Hi,

Thought this one would come up. I do some housework, cleaning, ironing but not as much as my wife.

I work full time and have a job that includes nights and weekends, she works 3 days a week. I do see that she could ( and does ) feel that I don't do as much housework as her but I do think the "total" work is divided up equally. I certainly don't come home and put my feet up.

A x

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 07/12/2016 21:03

There was a fantastic blog post explaining this exact situation from the woman's perspective the other week and it was so spot on I could have written it myself.

I'd say me and DH have sex about once a month, sometimes more often but not much. It's just so low on my priority list right now I just can't find the energy for it and I'd rather not do it at all than go through the motions to satisfy DH's needs.

FYI going out of the home to work more days per week doesn't necessarily mean you should do less around the house. Looking after a toddler is utterly exhausting.

BravoPanda · 07/12/2016 21:04

Do more. Take extra strain off her. The child will be exhausting and is not comparable to a normal job at that age. She will still be doing the brunt of the work even if you think it is equal. Also accept that she might just not be interested right now and you have to grit your teeth until she feels she wants it again. You're not owed sex just because you want it. And I say that as someone with a very high sex drive and DH who can't keep up sometimes.

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 21:13

Thank you posters - but I have to disagree.

I accept that looking after a toddler is exhausting. I do it it too. Are you suggesting that on my more limited time off I should let her go out and enjoy herself while I do extra work?

We've not had a day off together to relax since April. I had annual leave in October but painted the house then cleaned the house from top to bottom. Every night I make her tea, bath our son whilst she sits and relaxes after the day - I know she needs it. I would like to take some of the strain off myself.

A marriage is meant to be equal

OP posts:
LetMeFindAFucktoGive · 07/12/2016 21:14

If you have a toddler climbing all over you/in your space/asking endless questions for 4 days of the week (however endearing and wonderful all these things are and you love them) then actually you can find yourself longing for some time with no-one touching you. Or that is how I could often feel in the toddler days.

DeathpunchDoris · 07/12/2016 21:17

Sadly, the less you have sex - the less desire you have. It is a vicious circle made worse by the exhaustion of raising a family and working etc etc. I don't think you're problem is unique but, aside from the usual helping with all the daily workload I think just take the pressure off in the bedroom because it just magnifies the whole issue. Just enjoy being together anyway even if it's just a hug.

YellowKnickers · 07/12/2016 21:18

I always tell my husband that foreplay begins at 7am if he takes on his share of duties without complaint. Have you been out for dinner just the two of you? Does the baby have a bedtime routine meaning that at 7.30pm you could sit down to take away and share a bottle of wine? She needs to feel appreciated, loved and an equal and providing there are no other underlying issues the rest should follow. Be kind, be considerate those are the sexiest thing a man can be.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2016 21:20

I'm not sure there is a way to approach it. Im sure your wife is aware you would prefer more, thus if she was up for it, you'd get more. I think saying anything just puts more pressure on.
For me, sex is really low down on my priorities, and I'm just too knackered most of the time. Also, if dh farts (it mings) I can't bring myself to fancy him that night. So, between knackered, periods and farting, there isn't many nights left.

GraceNotes · 07/12/2016 21:25

I used to have a high sex drive until I had kids. Its changed the way my body feels things. Seriously have no sex drive at all. Everything feels numbed. Im sure that childbirth/hormones etc changes your body. Im a bit worried about it actually. I want my sex drive to come back! Has nothing to do with how I feel about my husband. Its as if its something medical.

Perhaps she needs more foreplay - time, affection, talking, etc to get her In the mood now. I think that would help me.

yellowpostitnote · 07/12/2016 21:34

Hi op - a good point made above. Feeling touched out is a real thing - I felt like I physically didn't want anyone to touch me. My skin crawled at times. And emotionally - sex can be an emotional thing. I couldn't give anything else. I was totally empty.

It's very hard indeed for you. But it will pass. I found it very hard to know what to say to my husband when he suggested it as I did not want him to feel rejected.

Try your hardest to be patient. My husband respected this - he did ask if I could touch him sometimes. Cuddling was hard as he became so turned on. This was a good compromise. We are getting back into it now though.

RoseDeGambrinus · 07/12/2016 21:35

It's weird, losing libido after childbirth. I found it wasn't that I was feeling too tired to have sex, it felt that the hormones needed had just disappeared, 'numbed' is a good description, or I used to describe it as 'missing batteries'. It's no good trying to push the buttons if the batteries are missing. I thought it was breastfeeding - I fed DC2 for two years, but actually my libido didn't reappear until he was almost 3. It was quicker with DC1. But it did come back. I don't see why you shouldn't ask her about it. There's no point us speculating really when you could ask how she feels.

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 21:40

Thank you all again.

I think we are a bit further down the line with the problem than you realize.

After an argument about lack of sex I realized that nagging was never going to be the solution. So for the last six months I've tried a little charm offensive. I've arranged a babysitter each month (I know not a lot) and we've gone out for dinner and had wine. Its all we can manage time wise sadly.

I've also made a point of texting her each day with a compliment or just to ask her about her day.

Baby's in bed by 7 every night. I do bedtime (and love it) and he sleeps pretty well (Fingers crossed)

But still no change.

I know I'm not perfect. As a mum she multi-tasks, plans things, prepares, cleans and does all those other things that super mums do. I struggle propping the NHS up 5-7 days a week.

I just find myself with an increasing question in my mind. Am I happy with how things are now? Should I give her a break for 1 year? 3 Years? 5 Years? 10 years? When is it not good enough? Its starting to eat away at me bit by bit.

OP posts:
Qwertie · 07/12/2016 21:48

Definitely agree with the touch thing. When you have had someone climbing over you all day, hands down your top, on your lap when you're going for a wee (& if you are breast feeding it is much worse) you are so happy to have bodily autonomy. Your wife may feel that you also think you are owed the use of her body and there is nothing less appealing. Taking her out somewhere, doing more than your fair share will certainly help for a bit. I don't get this fear /suspicion of doing more than your share.

stumblymonkey · 07/12/2016 21:52

OP...have you had a conversation about it with her?

Not one where you ask for more sex...but just one where you ask her open questions about how she feels? Whether she's happy with the way things are? Why does she think her libido has changed?

If so...what did you me wife say?

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 21:54

Hi,

I do get the body and not wanting to be touched thing. You never get left alone as a mum.

Its hard when we cuddle as I do get turned on - why shouldn't I by my wife - but she then gets scared I want something and wants to go to sleep. I guess she wouldn't want it if a cuddle didn't do it for me either. The option of her "doing something for me" has never been on the cards and to be honest I would enjoy it a lot less.

I know I need to be more patient. Its just hard when I work so hard to try and make her happy but she doesn't want me at all.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 07/12/2016 21:54

Have you talked about? (Talked NOT argued obv). What did she say? It can be hard to have a calm discussion without feelings getting hurt but I don't think it's a good idea to both stop shagging and talking. Your hands on stuff plus going out sounds good but maybe she has a different perspective?

O2BBesideTheSea · 07/12/2016 21:55

I also get the touched out thing.
If I'm honest (and maybe harsh) you sound like you're doing all those things because you want sex. I'd pick up on that and it'd make me want sex even less, feeling like you're only taking a interest in me to get what you want.

Obviously I could be completely wrong, I apologise if so, but that's the way your last post has come across to me.

Boundaries · 07/12/2016 21:56

You should do the dinner/wine/compliment thing anyway, not as a means to an end OP.
An argument about sex? You had been nagging? Nagging is not sexy.

And now it sounds like you're trying another "tactic". That's also not sexy.

What does your wife want?

AndShesGone · 07/12/2016 21:57

You're not listening.

Sex is an action between 2 people. It's not you 'giving her a break' or 'waiting' for a year. And your 'charm offensive' sounds fake or worse manipulative.

Losing your libido is very normal after having a child. The problem is that it often doesn't feel like a problem to the woman as once the desires left it stops being as important ( because there's loads of other things to think about).

Perhaps if we lived in a more equal, more sexually open society we'd all be more concerned and going to the doctor after a year - where they could actually DO something about it.

But we don't because there's other stuff to think about.

It's a medical condition (as well as an emotional one). So if you're genuinely pulling your weight and she's not resentful, not 'touched our ' then how about you ask if she's considered going to the doctor as her libidos left?

She might want to, she might not.

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 21:58

We had the chat/argument about 6 months ago.

She said she didn't like the pressure and wanted some personal space. Its why I changed tack. I do get his. She also used the toddler/harassment/touching line.

Day to day we get on fine but as the situation continues I just feel the unhappiness build up inside me. I can't make her want something she doesn't want.

OP posts:
Boundaries · 07/12/2016 22:02

You changed tack.
She "used a line"
You would like sex less if she did something just for your benefit.

You aren't entitled to have sex with her.

Boundaries · 07/12/2016 22:03

You can decide the relationship isn't for you, but the way you're talking? I'm not surprised your wife is backing off.

Original poster
PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 22:03

I know lots of negative comments coming my way.

I know we should be doing the dinner/wine/compliments thing anyway.

I've just tried extra hard as I realized those things were lacking. And yes I do want sex.

Whats wrong with making my wife feeling valued and special if then she wants to have sex with me that I enjoy. Crucially - thats not the ONLY reason I do those things. I also do them because I enjoy her company.

Its not wrong for a man to want sex with his own wife.

OP posts:
Boundaries · 07/12/2016 22:05

You are backing off from your original assertion that you "changed tack because nagging wasn't going to work"

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