AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

Also this is one child, 18 months old who sleeps pretty well according to the OP (who also looks after bedtime and gives his wife chance to relax).

I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that sex could be resumed at this point so long as all is OK with the relationship, baby is not unwell and needing extra care etc.

'And to the "Sorting myself out option". I've taken this but not often. I'm not asking for daily sex here. For me, its just like riding a bike to work when I've got a ferrari in the garage so even with doing this it still makes me sad - sorry to be crude'

She's not a fucking car and her body doesn't belong to you. Wanking makes you sad?! Seriously, you need to grow up.

"If her libido has dropped drastically, she owes you a duty to try to do something about it."

No one owes anyone anything when it comes to their own body. Jesus fucking christ.

The woman has a toddler and what sounds like a sex nag husband who in all honesty she probably doesn't even fancy right now, let alone want to lay back and think of England or blow him on a sunday morning. She doesn't owe anyone shit.

I feel for you, OP. I do though think you need to accept that your wife does not want you in the same way you want her. For whatever reason.

It could be she has got what she wanted from you (DC, lifestyle, home). One of my closest friends and her husband went from being at it like rabbits, including when DS was here until he was 4. Then along came DD and she just stopped wanting him. Why? In her own words: "I want to focus on my children, not him anymore". The message here is that you don't want to be used.

Another (male) says he and his wife have not had sex in 4 years. He is fine with it because he does not fancy her anymore. When asked why he doesn't leave, he just says he finds it easier to stay and get on with it. The message here is decide what you want and be responsible for being strong enough not to roll over and accept second best.

It is not an easy scenario to be in. I was in a similar situation on the sex stuff with my ex. I decided I didn't deserve to be with someone who didn't want me, so I split.

Did a PP seriously say she has a duty to sort this out? 🙄

Please don't listen to that bollocks.

She's not a fucking car and her body doesn't belong to you. Wanking makes you sad?! Seriously, you need to grow up

It was an analogy. I don't get the impression that that is how he thinks of her. You can berate him all you like, but most people are not happy in a sexless marriage. Why should he have to martyr himself just because she no longer feels like having sex but will not do anything to address the issue? Eventually, the relationship will break down or the OP will find affection elsewhere. That's clearly not what he wants, but don't pretend it's normal for a married couple to have sex once every six months and that people should just get on with it and masturbate. Would you put up with that?

It's difficult to know what to say here, because there isn't any "right" or "wrong" answer. I remember that in the first few years after my son was born my libido just vanished. It was as if someone had pressed a switch in my head and all sexual feelings just stopped. I didn't want to feel like this, but you just can't force these feelings. If my DH had insisted on sex (or nagged, or cajoled) I think I would have been out of the door. Sex when you don't feel like it is HORRIBLE.

The good thing is that these feelings do come back, but it takes time.
Talk to her, but don't pressurise her. Good luck.

Just wanted to say I understand how you feel. Myself and DH have 3 DC both work full time, he rarely wants sex, it does hurt and it does make you lose confidence in yourself. I don't have the answer, but I do get where you're coming from.

Great advice from Want2bSupermum.

Some couples also benefit from agreeing definitely not to have sex for a certain period of time - therapists often recommend it. It takes the pressure off. At the moment, your DW probably feels permanently under siege as she is aware you want sex, and you are on edge looking for signs that she might be up for it. You will end up locked in a cycle of mutual resentment. Take this pressure off both of you by agreeing no sex for (say) 6-8 weeks and focus on intimacy and rebuilding your relationship. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it does seem to work quite often.

Something I've not seen mention of, do you think your wife is happy?

Ok now I'm more worried..maybe this is a sign of much deeper problems.

Few points:

1. I'm not trying to make myself out as perfect. I work too much, we dont have enough time for each other....but I try my best

2. The equal allocation of work is a sore subject. We both do the SAME job only she does it part time without the same weekend/night commitment. We had a sit down discussion after her maternity leave about splitting childcare/house work and me reducing hours/her increasing but she categorically did not want this. She wants to be at home with our son.

Did a PP seriously say she has a duty to sort this out

Yes, if she wants the relationship to work, she must address it. I meant by seeking help about loss of libido or going to counselling. Of course, if she doesn't do that, the relationship will sooner or later break down. That would be a shame for all concerned, not least their DS. I do think partners have moral duties to address issues that are causing problems in their relationships. If they choose not to, then they cannot be surprised when the relationship breaks down. We are not talking 3 months after birth here, but a year and a half.

People have differing libidos. He isn't in a sexless marriage, just with less sex than he would like. Would he really want to have sex with his wife knowing she didn't want to? That she was 'thinking of England'? Or would he rather less sex as is as present, but knowing she is present and wanting it, and making do with a quick wank in the interim?

Many relationships have differing libidos tbh.

she got what she wanted from you

the message here is you don't want to be used

What a dreadful, misogynistic view of married women! The OP's wife is probably exhausted. Looking after a toddler can be mentally draining. Two hours in the evening to relax is the very least she should expect. It's supposed to be a partnership, not Dad 'doing her a favour' by doing bath and bedtime with his OWN child!

Sorry whats wrong with saying she has a duty to sort things out? She is the one refusing to have sex with him, whilst presumably expecting the marriage to continue with all it's attendant benefits. If a man had erectile dysfunction and refused to get it treated, then he would be telling his life partner that their happiness was low in his priorities. The gender bias really comes out in these threads.

Xsupermum's advice is spot on, OP. A desire for intimacy is so much more appealing than a 'need for sex'.

Wow, we have done him such a favour.
He now knows without any shred of doubt, that the grass isn't any greener anywhere else & he may as well carry one polishing his own bits till he's sixty.

Antique - she is having sex with him. Just not as often as he would like. How far would you suggest her duty should go? Once a week? Once a day?

No gender bias here. I don't think anyone has the right to anyone else's body.

Counselling might help OP, even just one session. We only ever went for one session (for a different issue) but it totally changed both of our perspectives. Don't know if it was just that one councillor! But they can get to the root of the problem and open up channels of communication that seemed closed...

Thanks shiny

We have three kids and work horrendous hours with lots of travel on DH's part so a certain amount of work goes into our intimacy. I wouldn't have an agreement to have sex for a certain amount of time. Just take sex off the table until she is ready and focus on intimacy. Putting a date on it would make me feel so pressured and remove any sense of romance.

No one owes anyone anything when it comes to their own body. Jesus fucking christ

If you just focus your eyes on the page for the one sentence after I said that- it says that she should NOT force herself to have sex with him but to seek help/support with what is going on. They are MARRIED for christs sake. No, you don't owe anyone anything when it comes to your body but you cannot expect to remain in a married relationship with someone who quite reasonably desires sexual intimacy as part of that relationship. If a woman posted on here about her husband refusing to have sex with her, there would be echoes of LTB. It can be incredibly lonely, frustrating and depressing being stuck in a sexless marriage. If you cared about your spouse's happiness and pleasure, you would want to take steps to address the problem.

And further to my previous post about returning to work... I wanted to be the one in her position at home.

I would love to spend more time with our son. Hes a terror and a joy all in one. Sadly the way the world works one of us has to do more work, one of us has to do more childcare.

I very much get the comment about changing my thoughts from sex to intimacy. I think that's good advice and will take it on board.

I agree with posters about the 'touched-out' thing and I see that is something your DW has mentioned too, PseudoDad, and that you have acknowledged as well.

The thing is, while I can quite clearly visualise the physical, mental and emotional feeling that accompanies that ... I can also see what a lonely 'place' that is for your wife to be in.

Can you imagine? Her knowing the gulf is getting bigger. Knowing how hard you are trying; perhaps imagining that it is her own 'fault'; lonely and alone in the problem BUT ... because of the touched-out' thing ... unable to turn to you for support in that 'aloneness'. Unable to say 'I need a cuddle', or to lay her head on your shoulder, or act in any way that could give conflicting messages of 'encouragement'.

I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but do you see what I'm saying?

So ... could you help her? Do you think it would help her if you could say to her
"I know you don't want us to have sex for the time being, and I understand, so agree with that, but I don't want either of us to be without the support of the other because of that. So would it be a good thing, DW, if I promised we won't even try to have sex for (say) at least six months ... but lets talk, anyway ... let's laugh, hold hands, communicate in non sexual ways. Lean on me if you're tired, DW, ask me to rub your feet if they hurt, zip up your dress, wash your back even ... but no matter what we do, though I hope we stay close ... I won't try to initiate sex, nor presume that your action is an initiation of sex, because we've agreed not to have sex in that time ... but let's stay close."

Do you thing that could help both of you stay closer. Let her see that, sex or no sex, you are her safe place and she doesn't have to be alone with any of this, that you'll be right beside her.

Sorry to be so long-winded ... don't even know if how I'm putting this makes sense (anyone?).

Antique - she is having sex with him. Just not as often as he would like. How far would you suggest her duty should go? Once a week? Once a day?

Jesus, Boundaries, I was the one who mentioned duties and I expressly said a duty to address the issue and try to get some help, NOT to force herself to have sex with him. And 'not as often as he would like'? We are talking twice a YEAR. That is practically non-existent. If they had sex tonight, they next time they would do it would be in the summer. We are not talking about slightly mismatched libidos here. Don't try to twist things and pretend that it is unreasonable to want physical intimacy with your partner.