AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

[havingabadhairday]

Theoretician, there are things that can be considered, I posted some earlier! Hormonal contraception kills off my libido. Anaemia did the same.

Both of those had solutions: I stopped taking the pill, I took iron tablets.

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

Someone got in before me about aiming for intimacy, not sex. I've never given birth but I have been married for 14 years...and you are simply trying too hard, with more frequent sex as your end goal. She knows it and is backing away. She thinks that's all you see.

My DH survived a fairly short dry patch at a time when I was taking medication which completely stripped me of my libido. Even trying was exhausting and humiliating for me and that just made it worse - it's a vicious circle. But although he did bring it up once or twice to make sure it wasn't the tip of an unnoticed iceberg (he asked me if I was having an affair actually - I was not ), he was very quick to reassure me that he didn't love me any less; that he was perfectly okay going without for a while; and he absolutely did not expect anything from me. That gave me the confidence to relax and not stress about it, and I think we bonded even more during that spell.

After 14 years I can assure you we are not at it like rabbits, but it varies...sometimes twice a week, sometimes twice a month, but what we have is...erm, excellent quality. Stop trying to find a way through, stop cajoling and justifying. It's YOU who is prolonging the problem! Switch off your needs for a minute, let her relax and come back in her own time. It's not forever, have a bit of faith - do what my DH did, and reassure HER that it's ok!

[DarkNanny]

monogomy is an outdated relic from patriachal control of women by all means be faithful but there are other options to living or leaving a sexless marriage

[TheStoic]

From the dozens and dozens of threads on this topic, I'm yet to hear of a satisfactory solution to this problem.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't think there is one.

Especially not when it's the high-drive partner seeking advice. The only way there is any hope is when the low-drive partner is equally as committed to finding a solution that makes both partners happy.

Would love to be proved wrong, obviously.

[Italiangreyhound]

I've gone off sex in the past and then got more into it. You need a clear, open discussion together. You might need to see a counsellor.

What you need to work out really, or rather your wife needs to work out, is whether
your wife has gone off sex full stop
gone off sex with you
and whether she can find her way back to enjoying sex again or whether she doesn't really want to try that.

Then when you are clear what the future holds you can discuss together the way forward.

I don't think an affair is a great idea, even with your wife's 'consent' you would be hooking up with another woman who may well develop feelings for you and you for her. But whether you go down this route is up to you both.

As a heterosexual woman I must say that sometimes our sex drive can be very dependent on our feelings. Or is that just me?

So for me if my husband pisses me off with a thoughtless comment or anything event remotely annoying then that can be a passion killer.

For me this is not about how much housework he does, or how much he earns. It is about how he makes me feel.

But if your wife has gone off sex, then no matter how nice you make her feel you may find she does not want to have sex.

She may even feel scared of sex. I have not read all your posts, could she be scared of getting pregnant again?

Could she have some form of post natal depression?

Honestly, this problem may be more common than you think.

You are not unreasonable to want sex with your wife and you are right that this may well eat up your relationship, from the inside out. But she is not obliged to have sex with you, no matter what you do about the house, and you are not obliged to stay together (IMHO).

Good luck.

[Pallisers]

Christ, the way a lot of mumsnetters respond to these threads in comparison to how they would respond to the EXACT same OP from a woman about her husband is embarrassing. The Spanish inquisition about how much housework he does is a joke.

OP - The advice I would give you is the same I would give a woman who is unhappy about something in an otherwise good relationship: communicate! You need to have a calm and adult conversation about it. That would be true regardless of the subject of the thread. If your relationship is as good as you say it is in other areas, then you both should be able to handle a mature and sensible discussion about something you're unhappy about it, and ways you might be able to change it.

I couldn't agree more with this post. you have to talk to her especially about something as fundamental as sex. If she won't talk to you about it then there is a problem.

I think when you get out of the tactile toddler years, it is possible to rediscover your libido but if you don't - well what can you do. you have a couple with a mis-matched sex drive which is awful.

DH and I are fairly compatible. I can't imagine divorcing him because he would only have sex with me every 6 months. But then I can't imagine living with a husband who doesn't want to have sex with me except rarely, as an exception, and I think the lack of intimacy would probably take its toll anyway.

As TheSToic says, very difficult issue. But at least talk about it with some honestly before resigning yourself to a sexless life or calling it quits.

[Whatallama]

The sad fact is OP that even if a husband worked full time and did everything at home, whilst his wife did literally nothing, that many posters would still be more sympathetic to her than you.

A lot of women on here seem to think that a man should never be upset with lack of sex, and should just wait, in a sexless marriage (and the amount the OP is describing is certainly a sexless marriage).

Part of the marriage and fidelity deal is not just to be faithful to eachother, but there is a reasonable expectation of sex. Obviously where someone is ill, or recovering from childbirth its put on hold, but you are 18 months down the line here.

Where there have been posts with the genders reversed, many posters have said that the man withholding sex is abusive for doing so and using it as a control, and of course it's reasonable to want more. It's grossly unfair.

I don't think wanting regular sex with your wife is unreasonable and you sound like you've been very understanding. I hope you manage to resolve this.

[Whatallama]

A few years ago. I saw one of those awful '1920s advice for wives' books. It said that you don't have to bother with sex after children because his obligation to look after the family will make him stay.

For some women it seems things haven't changed almost a century later.

[IHateDailyMailJournos]

You can't expect sex from anyone but you should be able to expect some honesty. If your DW doesn't want sex with you then she should be be willing to talk about it.

It's worrying that the OPs wife doesn't seem to care about the OP enough to talk to him about why she has gone of sex. I completely get the being tired and 'touched-out' feeling when there are little kids about but I'd just tell my DH if I needed a bit of space and for him to be patient.

There are other similar threads on MN - sometimes they go one way and sometimes another. There are plenty where plenty of posters say that sex is an extremely important part of being a couple.

[IHateDailyMailJournos]

Sorry for typos

[Toffeelatteplease]

Having been in the position where darling partner went off sex, I can confirm there is no way of framing the conversation that isn't going to sound like nagging. You stop instigating but actually that just leaves you more rejected. Cuddling was impossible I too would find it a turn on, which whatever I did would pile the pressure on DP because he knew that was how I would feel however hard I hid it.

I went from ending up going off sexy myself to crawling up the walls. I think he felt the same too.

Fwiw I totally get the riding a bicycle when you know there's a Ferrari in the garage analogy. But I have never found mastibation in any way satisfactory to the extent that frankly I'd rather do without. I wanted him. The sort yourself out crowd can fuck off. Its rubbish comparatively and has never really worked for me.

That said I don't think you can necessarily fix it. Perhaps counselling. But for us splitting up (for other reasons did it) we had more sex in a week about a month after we split up than we had on 6 months before. Not living together has helped dramatically too. Especially with the touched out issues (he noised out) (child with SN). I have time to myself so does he. We're both rather ummmm keen after time apart. Not sure our solutions are for everyone though.

When I went off sexy in my marriage and performEd it as a duty, I eventually realised it was because he was a shit. That wasn't going to change

I don't think anyone can tell you it will be ok. If she doesn't want sex now, that may suddenly change or it may not. You don't know. And nobody else does either. Probably not even her. You do have feelings about sex, they are valid, hers are too. Problem is if they aren't compatible one of you has to settle for your needs not being met. It's not acceptable for her need to not have sex to be ignored, so that will be you. It's up to you whether you going without is a deal breaker or not.

For me it would be. Because the situation if it continues, will only get more destructive for both parties.

How that fits in with for better and for worse marriage vows I don't know. But I have always said I would never marry again.

[TitaniasCloset]

I feel sorry for you. And I think she could try harder. If she is having big issues with this then she should discuss it with you. But leaving your partner without sex for six months seems cruel. We all suffer low libido after having a baby, its hard work, but what us he supposed to do? Stock up on tissues and baby oil from the pound shop? Its not on to leave your partner this neglected without at least explaining why

[Want2bSupermum]

Well in my marriage I wouldn't stick around and neither would DH if there was no intimacy. We have 3 children and three times DH managed to go without sex for two months. We were still intimate with each other. We would lie in bed with the baby between us and just stare at the baby and at each other and tell each other how much we love each other. Often DH will stop reading or put his ipad down when I get into bed and tell me how much he loves me and thinks that I am a wonderful mummy. After a tough day with DS (he has autism) or work he will often lean over and give me a kiss, telling me I am a doing a great job and that he loves me.

Friends have commented that we are a PDA couple. Yes we are. It has also been 8 years of marriage and 3 DC later we still have intimacy in our relationship. Of course we don't have as much sex. DH is away travelling now, sometimes for the whole week.

OP - Good luck with talking to your wife.

[Whatallama]

Just to add, husband and I are currently having a short sex break (medical reasons), and although its only for a week, it drives me up the wall that we can kiss and we have to stop. It's deeply frustrating for both of us, and it's only a short time without

To expect the OP to be able to kiss and cuddle etc without getting frustrated and turned on is unrealistic. To say he should take sex off the table and continue to be affectionate without any sex is basically telling him to torture himself for months on end. It's deeply unfair on him.

[Italiangreyhound]

want2besupermum I had google PDA couple.

'Public displays of affection'! I thought it meant 'pretty damn attractive.'!!

[Want2bSupermum]

Italiangreyhound I am laughing so hard! Since having 3 DC I couldn't feel more unattractive and DH feels exactly the same. In 6 years DH has gained 75lbs and I have gained 50lbs. We still love each other and have made it a joint effort to change our ways to shift the weight so we both feel more attractive.

[Sweetandsour93]

I don't think yabu OP, sex is an important part of marriage and it's unfair if you're wife won't even discuss the issue. For many people in the long term it would be a deal breaker. I think pp's have given some great advice about bringing back intimacy and couples counseling but ultimately if your wife decides she doesn't want to have sex, there's not a lot you can do.

I think some comments have been unduly harsh, nobody really wants a sexless marriage and I can understand why you're feeling upset.
She should speak to you and discuss the underlying issues because ignoring the problem only makes things worse.

[Horsegirl1]

You sound a brilliant husband. Ignore all the haters. I think you are doing everything right. I am same as your wife and have lost my lido but my dh is not as considerate or kind as you with regards childcare amd helping in house . I hope things improve for you pseudo . (What do you do in nhs ? Are you guys doctors ? )

[scottishdiem]

Think the OP chose the wrong Talk area.

AIBU area tends to (but not exclusively) blame the man for wanting sex.

Relationships area tends to, when a woman is confused about a lack of sex with her DP, offer suggestions on leaving. Indeed there are two very very long threads about leaving partners because the passion is not there anymore (lots of "is this it?" comments). Perhaps a more sympathetic ear there than many of these comments in AIBU.

Sex is not a right in a relationship but when it is a far more important part for one partner than the other then that needs to be acknowledged surely?

[donajimena]

Another one saying YANBU. I've 'lost my libido' before. It made me question my relationship. Basically I didn't fancy him anymore.
Fwiw my partner does far more housework than I do. It doesn't make me fancy him any more than I already do. Its not that simple

[Thisjustinno]

YANBU. I'd attempt another honest conversation about it and think about marriage counselling.

No-one has the right to sex in a relationship but both parties owe it to each to work on aspects of the relationship that aren't working or is making one unhappy.

[Trifleorbust]

I don't think you are unreasonable to want more sex. I don't think you are pressurising your wife for more sex. But it sounds as if she has put the barriers up - not wanting to kiss and cuddle in case it leads to sex, sex. 2 1/2 times in a year etc. And people don't do that for no reason so there must be an issue you are not understanding here. And for me that is where your posts fall apart a bit. You are very open about how patient you are being, how you don't want to put pressure on her, how you love and admire her, but there isn't much evidence that you are thinking about where she is coming from. You are quite defensive about your work and levels (not irrelevant to your life but surely irrelevant to her sex drive) and you are a bit dismissive about the idea of the dip on her libido being related to childbirth (no massive trauma for you, maybe but it may have felt very different to her). As difficult as this is to say to someone who comes across as a nice guy, I think what is missing is empathy and understanding. You need to work on an appreciation of why she doesn't want sex.

• Has she stopped fancying you?
  
• Is it a natural dip in her sex drive?
  
• Is it emotional in nature, so there is some other problem with intimacy and trust?
  
• Is it tiredness?
  
• Has she stopped feeling good about herself and is therefore not feeling sexual?
  
• Has she never been that highly sexed and is just past the point of making the effort to hide it?
  

It could be any of, none of or more than one of these factors.

[Trifleorbust]

Oh and I am not going to go though all your posts to demonstrate this but there is some queasy/PA language hidden in there. I am very sensitive to phrasing - I wonder whether your wife is the same... Teachers by any chance?

[Sneakynamechage]

Love this. If this was a woman confused as to why her DH had gone off sex, the first question would not be how much housework do you do?
She'd get prompted too think does he act differently, check his phone and emails. Basically led to believe he's conducting an affair because a man always wants sex.
Men have emotions too. Sex isn't always the actual act, it's the intimacy the emotion and feeling of being wanted. He's not getting any of that. Granted sex drives do dip, and in my view he's gone around things the right way. He can't be expected to wait forever without her willing too communicate. Nor should he have to be a maid just to get noticed in the intimacy department.
This isn't just him asking about sex, it's the whole intimacy in his relationship he is asking about.

Maybe contraception has had an impact? I know mine totally wiped my sex drive, which did throw my DH of a bit. Maybe she doesn't know herself why it's dwindled and it's easier too say you're nagging/childcare etc. you need to sit down and have a proper talk.

[OnionKnight]

I always find these threads a bit

Not only because the OP gets a bollocking because he's a man and he dared to want sex with the woman her married but also because one of the first responses is 'How much housework do you do?'.

As if doing more housework will make his wife horny and want to jump his bones, it's pretty obvious that if a perfectly normal and healthy married couple are only shagging twice a year then the problem runs a lot deeper than the dividing of chores.