AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

I worry every day about making enough money, getting the job and putting food in their mouths too. Maybe its not as much stress as being at home - but it is stress none the less.

It's hugely stressful!!

You could always have an affair it's simple straight forwards and both of you get what you want but be up front don't lie about it say look i am going to find someone to have sex with as I feel you think it's an added burden on our marriage see what she says then ...

What contraception are you using? Some forms of the contraceptive pill can dumb down your libido so much
Agree with other posters about recreating intimacy - maybe she knows full sex is all you have on your mind therefore shies away from being intimate in case it sets up an expectation with you that it leads further
Try agreeing on becoming more intimate but that sex is totally off the agenda until your wife is ready to want full sex no matter how long that is for - mean it and stick to it no persuasion or coercion
Once the pressure to perform is off she may relax and enjoy intimacy and come to want to take it further

Well FWIW I had a ventouse delivery and years down the line have prolapsed. And yes, giving birth is traumatic but some are more traumatic than others

Hi,

I do get the body and not wanting to be touched thing. You never get left alone as a mum.

Its hard when we cuddle as I do get turned on - why shouldn't I by my wife - but she then gets scared I want something and wants to go to sleep. I guess she wouldn't want it if a cuddle didn't do it for me either. The option of her "doing something for me" has never been on the cards and to be honest I would enjoy it a lot less.

I know I need to be more patient. Its just hard when I work so hard to try and make her happy but she doesn't want me at all.

This... just say this to her! I have been in a similar situation with my husband after I had our little boy,if I had heard this it would've helped me see how 'he' really felt. In my experience men aren't usually great at talking about their feelings but youve summed yours up that pretty well there.

What a pasting the OP is getting.

It isn't a crime to want to have sex with your wife! There is clearly an issue here and i think it's bad the OPs wife isn't interested in addressing them or even acknowledging them.

I'm not saying she should start having sex when she doesn't want to, but she should be talking about how she feels and up for going to relate or similar.

Ultimately tho, OP might have to decide if he can live like this for the rest of his life with her. I know I couldn't live with someone who didn't find me sexually attractive and want to have sex with me. I like being intimate, and find sex a key part of a relationship.

If the genders had been reversed the comments would have been v different.

You could always have an affair it's simple straight forwards and both of you get what you want

Ummmmm, yeah, not the best advice.... Plus he won't get what he wants, which is to have a close, loving and sexual relationship with his wife. If he cheats with someone he doesn't care about, that's no more fulfilling than wanking really. If he cheats with someone he does care about, it will destroy his relationship with his DW. He has said he loves his DW and wants to make the marriage work.

I do think that unless they work on this and try to get some support and help, the affair scenario will probably happen at some point (or at least become a temptation). That's why approaching Relate would be good.

*And to other posters - what birth isnt traumatic? I've seen where that baby comes from?

It was a ventouse delivery - but no MAJOR traumas. Went home next day.*

Err ventose can be traumatic. The length of time it takes to go home is not the sole indicator of how traumatic a birth is. It's how it affects one psychologically. Even a normal birth with no interventions can be a traumatic experience. Clearly something has changed. Don't discount this as a factor.

You're not unreasonable to want a physical relationship but your wife sounds unhappy. It's possible it can be fixed with a more intimate relationship but sadly it's possible she just doesn't see you in that way anymore. I ended an 8 year relationship with a wonderful man who was absolutely my best friend because no matter how hard it tried I could not think of him in a sexual way anymore. Unfortunately for me that was a deal breaker (though I totally appreciate that for other people it would not be).

"We still hold hands but saddle kiss very little - shes worried it will lead to other things."

But don't you see, PseudoDad, she will have no need to worry if you're the one to break the kiss.

If you tell her you love her, while actually moving a little, to create a little physical space between you.

If you have talked about it beforehand so that she knows ... with 100% certainty that the kiss will not lead to you wanting more physical intimacy, and sex.

That she knows, because you have talked about it beforehand, that the kiss will lead to talk, or watching a film together, or just sitting quietly, or a quiet supper together, or a foot rub, or her being able to lean on you a while ... it will lead to mental and emotional closeness only.

Don't undervalue mental and emotional closeness, don't undervalue supporting her in her need not to have sex ... both of those things have to come easily, before you and she even think of resuming a 'normal' sex life.

p.s. oh, and I do hear you when you say "but I do get turned on when we have a cuddle" ... that's fine, you can't control an unwanted erection, but you can control yourself!
So move a little way away, make a little joke, say 'opps, sorry about that ... I'll make some tea .
Make sure she knows that it's still okay for her to hold your hand, touch your face, keep the closeness, because you and she still won't be having sex for the time being, as agreed.

Could easily be birth trauma; it could other trauma associated with sex like miscarriage, termination or previous sexual abuse that has resurfaced with birth/having her own child. The above have been issues for my libido in the past. My DH has become a lot more caring as our dc have got older and this combined with more sleep & me having the confidence to lower my cleaning standards is contributing to wanting sex 1 or even twice a week. Our youngest is 3 and I am slowly seeing the light come back into my life.

I think i've misunderstood your post. You were saying any birth can be traumatic. It's time to go to bed!

I should have also added that I understand it can be difficult to bring up these issues without being accusatory when you feel strongly. My approach with DH was to repeat (as I had before) that I wanted and needed more sexual contact. That I loved him but that for me, a loving relationship has to have some regular sexual contact in order for me to feel desired and happy within it. I told him truthfully that I felt lonely within the relationship (from a sexual POV) and that I felt we'd tried everything apart from counselling and that I felt should be our next step.

I suppose the main difference for me was that DH always agreed we had a problem but we couldn't seem to resolve it without outside help.

Christ, the way a lot of mumsnetters respond to these threads in comparison to how they would respond to the EXACT same OP from a woman about her husband is embarrassing. The Spanish inquisition about how much housework he does is a joke.

OP - The advice I would give you is the same I would give a woman who is unhappy about something in an otherwise good relationship: communicate! You need to have a calm and adult conversation about it. That would be true regardless of the subject of the thread. If your relationship is as good as you say it is in other areas, then you both should be able to handle a mature and sensible discussion about something you're unhappy about it, and ways you might be able to change it.

(I'm not a woman.)

It's natural to want to fix a problem, but it may be a mistake to think this is a problem with a solution.

We've had talk of going to the doctor. Other than for the man and the relationship, I'm not convinced low libido in a woman is any sort of problem, let alone a medical one. I don't think a woman with low libido is broken. If she isn't broken then it is pointless trying to fix her. I don't think the problem is her fault.

I doubt anything a man does or doesn't do will make any difference. Women will list things he should be or do. Even if he's always ticked every box on that list, without having to be told, I bet it seldom makes any difference. I don't think the problem is his fault.

I have no advice to give someone in this situation. My advice to anyone not yet in it is never tie yourself to someone so much that you can't walk away when the relationship ceases to be what you signed up for. (On that note, the posters who always turn up on these threads saying sex is not a right and just do without are from a different planet to me. They are right to say don't pester this woman, I agree no good will come of that. They are insane to expect a man to stay in a crap relationship with her if he is able to escape to a better one, with someone else. )

I think the scenario of female partner losing libido is very common, and not just after babies. The most depressing statistic in this field I've heard quoted said (as I remember it) that 50% of women who are over 30 and have been in a relationship for at least 10 years are no longer interested in having sex with their partner. (I heard it on the radio. I struggle to find it when I google, but I think the researcher was a Canadian academic working in the Netherlands?) I think she also found that while men's libido is fairly steady, albeit decreasing slowly with age, women's libido tends to decreases with length of relationship, but revives if they switch to a different partner. I don't believe this is anyone's fault. It looks like long-term sexual compatibility between a man and a woman is exceptional, rather than usual.

What I would do is cuddle your wife and when you are horny ask her if she would like a cup of tea or is there a movie on later.

Show her that you want intimacy, but that doesn't always equal sex.

I love sex. I love my DH. But sometimes I feel exhausted and mumsy and horribly unattractive. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel like I have to.

But I do have to, because it is a huge part of what a relationship fundamentally is. But I don't have to like back and think of England, nor do I have to feel like a commodity to DC, DH, work and all the other people who need something from me.

I don't think YABU OP.

You sound a lot more sensitive than my DH! I have yelled at him that I am not a sodding sex doll before today! But if I am not feeling sexy, the intimacy can fade away because if he kisses me or cuddles me it almost feels like an invitation for sex. Sometimes I just want a kiss and a cuddle.

It sounds to me like you need to break the glass wall between you. Tell her you miss her, that you want the intimacy of your relationship but that it does not have to be about sex. You want her time, her company, her attention and that you want to give the same to her. Every kiss does not have to be anything but a kiss.

Allow yourselves some room to talk, to breathe. The magic will return.

Ps. Totally don't mean to sound like a crappy agony aunt. This is how I personally feel about the motherhood/sex/shattered woman issue.

creakyknees13 Lots of relationships have third parties who forfil unmet needs, open relationships often work really well in cases where there is an imbalance of sex, jut be honest about it... monogamy isn't the only way to live in a relationship especially if both parties can't cope with it...

I doubt anything a man does or doesn't do will make any difference. Depends on what the underlying reason is, which the OP does not know.

OP I feel bad for some of the grilling you've had. You certainly do not come across as a knob etc.

Yes I would be very put off if every time I cuddled my dp he got an erection. I would feel pressured and would probably withdraw from him. I think that's something you've come to realise.

I also second the person who said to check her contraception. The pill I'm currently on has flattened my sex drive but unfortunately it's the best option for me at present. I would love to come off it and enjoy a better sex life but pregnancy is not an option for us ATM.

We've had talk of going to the doctor. Other than for the man and the relationship, I'm not convinced low libido in a woman is any sort of problem, let alone a medical one. I don't think a woman with low libido is broken. If she isn't broken then it is pointless trying to fix her. I don't think the problem is her fault

I think you have been listening to too much Dutch radio! That's not a good attitude to have and I doubt loss of libido is as prevalent as you suggest. You think half of women just give up on sex at 30? 30- when for those in their 30s now, they have not even lived a third of their lives. Of course sexual relationships can be fixed with effort from both parties and professional help if necessary. Additionally, loss of libido can be caused by depression, stress, certain medication, PTSD from traumatic events. It is absolutely not something that should be accepted as normal or natural without even trying to work on it.

creakyknees13 Lots of relationships have third parties who forfil unmet needs, open relationships often work really well in cases where there is an imbalance of sex, jut be honest about it... monogamy isn't the only way to live in a relationship especially if both parties can't cope with it

Maybe but I and most women I know would be devastated if their partner suggested an open relationship. I would rather be single- it would make me feel dead inside. Also, it doesn't sound like the OP wants to shag around- he wants an affectionate relationship with his wife and he does want monogamy.

I feel for them both. Can see both angles. Hope you can sort it out OP. Take the pressure off yourself (and thus her) and see what happens.....

lol, Man comes on Mumsnet wanting sex more than twice a year, expect to be crucified.

NO feck off, have an affair, you have no right to get between my legs. I dont care if you have fathered my children.

If you dont want an affair, then join the priesthood you are not getting squat. Motherhood is for life and it changes you. Sex is for singledom, not for life.