AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

[AndShesGone]

It is wrong for a man to want sex with his own wife and be all whingey and whiny about it when she doesn't want sex with him

Jerk off, sex isn't a right or an obligation. It's only good when both people want to.

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

Its not wrong for a man to want sex with his own wife - she's not a piece of property y'know.

And actually, it's not wrong for a woman to NOT want sex with her husband.

And I agree with what O2BBesides ..... said -
If I'm honest (and maybe harsh) you sound like you're doing all those things because you want sex. I'd pick up on that and it'd make me want sex even less, feeling like you're only taking a interest in me to get what you want

[PseudoDad]

Boundaries - I've never said I feel entitled for my wife to have sex with me.

Any yes, I've realized I probably was nagging. Isn't that honest reflection that I'd done something wrong? I've subsequently tried to do the right thing.

Would it be reasonable on her part to never have sex with me again? I'm not a perfect husband - probably quite an average one. However, I care about her, love her , work for and think of her day and night.

I'm just trying to get the balance right in my head- should I never expect sex/minimal sex again if thats how she feels - or should she also seek some help.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

[Maz2444466]

Has it always been like this OP? Have you tried showing her how much you love her, not just with dinner dates but deeper things like asking how she feels about life/work/home, what she wants from your relationship, if there's anything you can do to make things better, maybe tell her your love for her has only grown stronger since DS, seeing her as a loving wife and mother...i don't know, seems like you may need to go back to basics of why you fell in love before you can tackle the sex issue?

[AndShesGone]

Yes you should never expect sex with someone who doesn't want to

And she should also go to the doctor if she wants to increase her libido (she might not want to and might be happy with not having sex again)

And neither of you have to stay in a relationship you don't want to

[expatinscotland]

It sounds like you're only doing all this 'stuff' so you can have sex. And she can tell.

[PseudoDad]

I'm sorry guys I'm not looking for negative comments.

Saying that she is "my wife" does not in any way imply that she is my property or I perceive ownership.

Maybe you should look at some of the forum advice when the gender roles are reversed on this issue.

Just because I'm a man and I want sex - doesn't mean I can't respect her as an equal.

[witsender]

She isn't never having sex though. Just not as much as you want. Of course you get to decide if that is enough, or if the solution of 'sorting yourself 'out' is going to work for you. If it isn't, then you have a decision to make, because all this talk of tactics and tacks is very manipulative and unsexy IMO.

There is no secret, no magic that we can impart tbh.

[FanDabbyFloozy]

Have you asked her why she doesn't want sex? Just bring it up and say it's making you unhappy as you want to share that with her.

I can see that this is a problem, frankly. I think it's too easy to get into a rut/dry patch and that perpetuates the problem. She may be kidding herself that you don't care much either and a frank conversation would at least dispell that idea.

I think you're getting some stick here unfairly as many women would also want more sex than that in their relationship (me included). YANBU

[BravoPanda]

What time off does she have apart from a couple of hours of an evening? This isn't a dig, OP, it's the truth. Regardless, she doesn't owe you sex when she is probably several levels of exhausted, even if you are too, she will likely be moreso. I promise.

Go and have a wank or get some decent porn on the go.

[LetMeFindAFucktoGive]

I'm sorry guys I'm not looking for negative comments.

Is that - I am not getting the answer I want so shut up. Is that how you feel when your wife tells you stuff? Y'know the line she gave you.

[Boundaries]

But that's how your posts come across, OP. That you have nagged. And now are cajoling. Because you are entitled to more sex than you are getting.

Because you are getting some.

If you're getting turned on enough for her to notice every time you cuddle her, of COURSE she thinks you want more. Because you do.,,

Maybe try just not doing any "tactics".

If you are unhappy in the relationships because of this, then talk to her about it. Calmly. Without a judgement- without it being her who is doing the wrong thing by not wanting as much sex as you.

But really...stop doing the whole trying different tacks to get her to have sex.

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

OP I can tell you're asking a genuine question and you want this to work out well. I'd struggle too and would not want to remain in a sexless marriage so I guess you're hoping to ascertain in there is any hope of your sex life resuming any time soon? I think that's absolutely fair to want to know.

Could it be a possibility to suggest some counselling/sex therapy?

[AntiqueSinger]

Well maybe somethings physically changed after giving birth. I find this is something not really talked about, Did your wife have a 'straight forward' birth? Did she tear? Require a cesarean? Did she breastfeed?

I found, that the sexual sensations I had before giving birth diminshed and never returned as they used to be. I still get turned on, but orgasms are not as powerful, and I tore and that area is still sensitive and looks different. Neither are my breasts as sensitive or as firm. Outwardly, it looked as if everything had 'snapped back' My figure was great etc, but inwardly and mentally my perception of my body had changed. This has not affected my drive (I can climb the walls if I don't get it) but it is more mental now than physical, IFYKSIM? And I was highly sexed before. So its moderate to high now. Had I not been before, I think It would be low down in my priorities now.

Just presenting a different angle. Childbirth can be physically traumatic, sometimes I really question why it does not receive more attention as an area of research and social attention.

[creakyknees13]

Actually, OP, YANBU at all. A normal, adult relationship includes sex. You are really not unreasonable to want to have sex with your wife and you shouldn't be made to feel that way. If her libido has dropped drastically, she owes you a duty to try to do something about it. Not by forcing herself to have sex with you, but to visit her GP to talk about the issues and to maybe go to counselling (either individual or couples) to see if it can be resolved. If she loves and cares about you, she should at least try to remedy things- same as a man with erectile dysfunction should seek medical treatment. Being trapped in a sexless marriage is horrible and frustrating. You might say that it's because she looks after a toddler, but it sounds as if there is something deeper going on. Either way, you need to have a serious conversation with her and tell her that currently, this relationship is not fulfilling for you.
I also don't think you are being unreasonable to do slightly less housework when you work full time and she works part-time. Some people on here will have you believe that looking after one child is the most demanding and time-consuming job in the world, but yeah, you have time to do housework. And there are many, many more stressful jobs (I am guessing that if you work in the NHS, you're not exactly twiddling your thumbs all day).

[BravoPanda]

Also your replies are frankly hilarious. Neckbeard/White knight much? 😂

[honeylulu]

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time.
No its not good to nag, bully or cajole a partner about sex.
But - sex is the glue that binds a relationship together. It's important. That intimacy is a form of communication that will not (or should not) be present in any other relationships you have.
My husband and I have different sex drives but we agree that a marriage with no sex (without good reason like illness) is not a marriage. It would be like living together as flatmates/ friends.

[havingabadhairday]

A few thoughts from my personal experience...

Was it a difficult labour/birth? That can takes its toll on a woman's sex drive, especially if sex is initially painful or uncomfortable afterwards.

Is she using hormonal contraception? That kills my libido. Also makes me depressed, which obviously makes things worse.

Could your wife be anaemic? I was found to anaemic last year, sorting it out made a huge difference to everything

Whatever the reason, trying to help needs to be about what's best for your wife and not about sex.

[PseudoDad]

Thank you floozy.

Its just so hard to pitch that conversation. Its such a fine line between nagging and conversation. I honestly think it upsets her that it makes me unhappy to.

For me, leaving the relationship would be a very extreme option. She is a wonderful wife and mother in every other way.

I'm guessing the groups impression is that - If the above is the case - I should just suck it up.

And to the "Sorting myself out option". I've taken this but not often. I'm not asking for daily sex here. For me, its just like riding a bike to work when I've got a ferrari in the garage so even with doing this it still makes me sad - sorry to be crude

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

These threads seem to crop up monthly - and every single time, without fail, the man will portray himself as a perfect husband, who works all the hours God sends, as well as doing the cooking, the cleaning, the child's bath and bedtime, the romantic dinners, the compliments, the cuddle, ad infinitum. You never see one who says "Shit, MN, you're right - maybe I could do a bit more for her".

[ragz134]

YABU to "ask", like it's a favour. YANBU to want to talk about it, with your wife and see if you can work it through together. Sex is important. Okay, isn't a 'right', but it is certainly a huge part of a loving relationship. Even with 3 kids under 5 DH and I managed to do it regularly enough. We go through phases obviously, some times he's depressed and doesn't fancy it. Sometimes I am busy and tired and it doesn't occur to me, by usually we do it often enough to both be happy. If we don't, he will mention it has been a while and I will make a point of making time for us. There have been times that my libido has been low due to medication or ill health. Is this possible in your situation?
I know you're getting hounded for your attitude (it's hard to come accross well online anyway and this is not the best place for your question!), but your actual problem is real and does need dealing with. I am sure your wife has reasons for not wanting more sex. The key is to help her work this out to benefit both of you...

[creakyknees13]

And actually, it's not wrong for a woman to NOT want sex with her husband

It's a major sign that the marriage is not working though and lack of physical affection is a common thing to be cited on a divorce petition under 'unreasonable behaviour'. How long do you think it's reasonable for a woman to not want sex with her husband for? Two years? Five years? You KNOW you would be giving different advice if the genders were reversed here.

[Want2bSupermum]

I think you need to change your whole outlook. You say you are looking for sex but I think you are looking for intimacy. My DH is the same and I think it is completely normal for men to talk about sex rather than intimacy which is a turnoff for me at least.

Have you thought about having an upfront conversation about your relationship and how you want to have more intimacy with her? Ask her what she needs from you to make it happen? Does she want to get back into shape? If so support those efforts whole heartedly. Does she need more sleep? Figure out a plan so she gets more sleep. Does she need to speak to a doctor to have herself checked out (low libido is a common problem with shifting hormones)? She will know what the problem is and your best bet is just to be open and willing to hear her talk about what is going on from her perspective.

I think the lack of sex is the symptom of something else. Better to talk open to her but not say or think sex. Talk intimacy. It's a cuddle here and flirty look there. Eventually that will lead to sex but it might take months to get there.