AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

What leads you to that conclusion?

Myoriginal sounds like she could do with some good sex herself!!

I doubt the op is giving 'good sex' as his wife clearly doesn't want it.

You clearly have some form of problem Original. You think that the OP is ugly, doesn't take care of himself, is lazy and crap in bed on the basis of NOTHING.

I'm guessing you're either just goading for fun, are extremely bitter, or are projecting from your own situation. Your responses aren't normal.

Wanting to have sex/intimacy with your partner isn't a right nor an expectation.

But it is a part of a partner relationship which differentiates it from other family/friend relationships.

If two people want commitment and a relationship without sex, fine. If one doesn't want sex anymore or much less often than the other partner then that is an issue in their relationship which needs to be addressed.

And if you don't want to have sex with your partner for whatever reason then that is fine. No-one should have sex without wanting to. But then you should have a discussion - explore why you don't feel like that and whether you think it can change and are willing to work on that.

If you think it will change - great, work on it. If you don't fancy them anymore - be honest. Could that change?. You love them but aren't interested in sex anymore with anyone - tell them. Be honest and let them make a decision about the future of the relationship and what they feel they need.

The suggestion that the OP is predatory, blackmailing his partner by being 'nice', should do more housework or is just isn't sexy anymore and should try harder are not things that are ever said when a woman says she wants more sex in her relationship.

And this isn't a menz post made by an MRA which one poster made a thread about BTW. It's a post made by a woman saying that no-one is entitled to sex but if you're in a relationship and don't want sex ever or more than once every six months and that doesn't correlate with your partner, you should have an open discussion and try to understand how you feel and how to move forward.

Every thread has a goady fucker- I guess they are unhappy and frustrated in RL. Nobody who is happy is nasty to other people.

Having sex only 5 times in 2.5 years has nothing to do with whether or not you do enough house work. You need to re kindle the spark you once had and if her spark will only come back after you do housework then there is a deeper issue. Make regular time to get the baby sitter in, would be my advice, have time away from the toddler. Ship the kid off to a grandparents house for a night or two. Remember you are a couple for a while and not just parents.

original has gone a bit too far with the goading.. Definitely out for a rise out of us.
I believe in the OP being genuine as much as you can from words on a screen on an anonymous forum
Anyone with doubts can hit the report button. Its what its there for.
And remember that even some posts written by those hairy of hand can help with those who may have a similar RL problem because of the great advice and support shown by most MNers
I think you were treated abominably by some posters on this thread though OP I really hope you find a resolution.

PseudoDad - be careful. My ex's really insensitive way of approaching this was the beginning of the end. As a couple of others have said, everything changes when you've had a baby - her body feels completely different and so do her priorities.
If you were talking 3 years I might think you should be concerned, but I'm not the only one who was at 2 years before even the thought of it could be entertained.

I can only speak from personal experience, in such matters all people and circumstances are different. After 17 years of a similar situation I can only recommend you walk away. I tried everything and failed, it took the death of a dear friend and the love, platonic, of a much younger and wiser women to make me realise how unhappy I really was. And yes I more than shared the housework and chores, built a successful business that allowed us a great lifestyle and am more comfortable around women than men. Now I'm with a terrific partner, we respect each other, laugh a lot, disagree on many things but have fun discussing those differences. And yes sex is an important part of our relationship. To be physically desired by someone you love is a fundamental need of a human being. And no in all that time I never strayed.

Well said next
I'm assuming that the hairy handed original is now snoozing soundly under her bridge.

Well done for speaking up. Sometimes we forget that spending time with our partners is more important than having the perfect house, job, food prepared etc etc. It's easy to forget that to love is a verb. It is something we have to do and work at. And it's so easy to let it slide. Its not romantic but it's something that we have to try and get on the weekly to do list. In practical terms if only because it's just really tricky to find a time with a toddler when you are both in the same place, won't be interrupted and you're both not totally knackered. If you want advice, then mine is to be realistic about putting some work into creating a regular time, and making it a habit. Also make sure she has some time for herself so she can step out from being a mum / employee and reconnect with herself - we give a lot of ourselves to others all week and do need some space to recharge. Practical advice? Weekends are good. Make Sunday night homework fun. Book her a Sunday afternoon spa treatment. Whilst she's out make tea, tidy up, bath the toddler and make sure he's got his clothes laid out for the week. If you can make something you can have as leftovers the following day (oven baked risotto is easy, mushroom lasagne, easy chicken pie), it's another thing off her list. Coming back to a cooked meal, glass of wine, happy baby and loving husband and the week ahead laid out should allow you both to carve out some time together. And then repeat and try and make it a habit x. It takes work yes, but that's marriage. And it does get easier as the kids get older. Good luck.

Lol at some of the ridiculous comments in this thread.

Sex is a big part of a relationship. Fine, so his wife doesn't want to have sex with him, and he shouldn't be entitled to it. Then, she shouldn't be so shocked if he ends up finding sex elsewhere, or wanting a divorce over it. Remarkable how some women expect their husbands to just get over it, or masturbate themselves, ha.

And lol at saying he's manipulating her into sex. Maybe it's more of unloading some burden off her shoulders to make her less tired, perhaps?

My husband and I have just discussed this. We have a 22 month old and would both like more sex but it's finding the time as we both work full time and are knackered by the time we go to bed. I don't think the op is being unreasonable but his wife is clearly not up for it. Ask her why - us it too much physical contact from the toddler, is she hung up about her body post birth or has her sex drove just Gone? Did she have a traumatic birth? Maybe you could have some marriage guidance counselling? Long term a marriage won't survive this as the partner wanting more sex may look elsewhere.

Hey OP. Couple of things that were mentioned up thread. Is she on the pill? This can kill your libido. Yes intimacy is the way to go, be clear here it definitely is the glue or bond between two people. I couldn't live like this either (I'm a woman) so I totally understand your frustrations. She may also be feeling a bit of a lack of self esteem with her body after child birth but only you'll know if that's one of the issues here but it is related to how she sees herself and nothing to do with how she feels about you. I really hope you move forward in a way that works for both of you x

I never intended to join any of these forums since I got pregnant but this just struck me and I couldn't leave it.
I'm disgusted by some of the responses some of the women are giving.
As a mother of a 10 month old who experienced ante natal depression, lost my libido since I conceived, I feel ashamed to think that these women think its ok to backlash a father who is here seeking some sort of help and advice about the situation.

Why as women do we feel entitled to treating our husbands however we want? We fill our minds with 1001 + excuses "but I'm touched up", "I haven't had a good nights sleep since ...." and the list is never ending.

Screw the excuses. Because you know what? That's motherhood.

One relationship therapist put it beautifully. Men have a natural need for their desire to be fulfilled. It's what powers them and keeps them going. We would never leave our husbands to starve (from food). So why is it ok for us to leave them "sex starved"?
And if the scenario was to be flipped and the husband lost his drive we get all emotional and upset and many women have even left marriages.

No it's not fun having sex when you'd rather be knocked out asleep. Neither is it fun feeling like you have an added to chore to you're list.
But you know what is worth it? Looking at your husband who's doing his utmost best to be a good man and thinking, "what harm is it to make him happy?".
When you bring happiness into someones life, you're happy.

Being a mother is no excuse to not giving you're man his basic right.

Men need to stop being treated like they're just a pain in the back side, inconsiderate and selfish and we need to stop victimizing ourselves. We both have needs. We both need to appreciated and shown love in a manner that is understood to each individual and We both have an "emotional, physical and mental" well being.

Sorry mothers if you find my post offensive but its the simple truth.
I have so much more I could rant on about but I'll leave it at that.

And I apologise to the posters that didn't backlash the OP yet tried to give constructive advice instead and have to read this.

OP I honestly don't know what to say in advice. Every woman is different and sometimes all it takes is for the woman to come to realization that her husband can't be neglected. But what I will say to you is hold on and just be the best husband and father you can be. And I apologise that you've received harsh replies. Keep showing her that you love her and hopefully one day you'll be on the same page and living a happy life that satisfies you both. Children grow up best in a happy family where parents are giving and taking love and affection.

(Also, maybe try reading the 5 love languages? And try to find different ways you approach you're wife in a loving manner that is suitable for her.)

I wish you the all the best.

Mum050610

Very well said... you said that which I would have if I hadn't been so annoyed

Men have a natural need for their desire to be fulfilled. It's what powers them and keeps them going. We would never leave our husbands to starve (from food). So why is it ok for us to leave them "sex starved"?

Sex is a two way thing, not something you give someone else because you feel they've earnt it or are entitled to it in some way. Dp and I have sex when we both want to have sex, not out of pity or as a favour. "Sex-starved"?! People die from hunger, not from lack of sex.

I've had low libido since having my ds. Often sex felt like yet another chore (though I did enjoy it once I made myself start - kind of like going for a run, I often don't want to go but never regret it after if I do).

We went away for a weekend and frankly I was dreading the expectation of "special" sex - but with a whole weekend of no toddler demands and actual relaxation (and lying in) I really really enjoyed it and wanted my dh like I haven't for nearly three years.
So really don't underestimate the impact of being in "mum mode" all the time - some of us struggle to relax enough to really enjoy it even when the toddlers asleep next door.

is no excuse to not giving you're man his basic right.

Nobody has a 'right' to sex.

Hahahaha

That is all

rosy-you need a new therapist!

Oh dear, I can totally sympathise with the poor husband (and I am a female, married, got kids).
Sex is not a privilege, it's a real and deep psychological need to be close and intimate with someone, to seek their approval and love, to give security and reassurance for your partnership. It's also a very strong physical need, like food, especially for man. Men think about and want more sex, it's more their biological making than social stigma that they are just horny.
It is so important to keep the bond and happiness and without it you will of course feel rejected, lonely and sad.

I get the low libido thing after childbirth, but it is the wife responsibility as well to make sure her partner is satisfied.

I don't know how you both communicate and how open you are with each other but if she can understand that the lack of sex can have a deep impact on your feelings to each other maybe she can try harder.

I disagree with many woman that tell you to "suck it up" and that you don't have right over her body. You are not trying to force yourself on her, and from what I read you have already done, you come across as a really nice decent guy who does fair well of his share. It׳s very legitimate to expect sex in this relationship.

I would say a creative foreplay can do magic on women, maybe research how to do that better. Building up to it slowly during the day, week is sexy and welcomed. I am sure there is plenty of stuff to read on the topic.

I can also say that with time things get better, as your child grow and become more independent your wife may relax back into sex.

How long to wait for that is impossible to say, it's personal and depends how long you can tolerate going without sex.

Good luck. I hope you will find your release.

I know lots of negative comments coming my way.

** Yes thats the internet

Its not wrong for a man to want sex with his own wife.

** I agree

What does your wife want?

** Not sure I have seen that bit yet .....sorry if i missed it