AIBU to ask for more sex...

[PseudoDad]

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

creaky I was responding to this:

Sorry whats wrong with saying she has a duty to sort things out? She is the one refusing to have sex with him, whilst presumably expecting the marriage to continue with all it's attendant benefits. If a man had erectile dysfunction and refused to get it treated, then he would be telling his life partner that their happiness was low in his priorities. The gender bias really comes out in these threads.

No twisting done. Not sure why you're so cross with me?

PseudoDad

The fact that you talk about an equal allocation of work tells me it is anything but equal.

If you want a happy marriage you need a happy wife. I tell DH all the time 'Happy wife, happy life.' Same applies here. When your wife isn't working she is doing childcare. She is forgoing paying for childcare so she can spend time with your child. That does not mean she spends that time doing housework.

Also, the best advice given to me before marriage was my father who said a good marriage is when you feel like you are both doing 75% of the work. That way you know you have 100% covered. What my father was talking about is that your idea of 100% is probably 75% of what your wife thinks is 100% and vis-a-versa so if you both do 75% you should cover 100% and you are both better off because neither of you are doing 100%.

dish. That's lovely.

But it is not what it was before, and the OPs husband is not happy. 5 times in 2 1/2 years? It's telling that you see the word duty as having some profoundly negative connotation within what has been described as a relatively loving marital arrangement. If there is an issue that could affect the marriage then each partner has a duty (call it responsibility) to try their utmost to take reasonable measures to resolve it. That may include going to the doctor, speaking to a counsellor, talking openly about it together or getting advice from a friend. Not just sit back and go 'well I'm alright for now Jack. I'll do what I'm doing over here, and you get on with what you're doing over there.'

Have a look at Betty Martin's work on touch & consent, OP. Not that I think you are non-consensual in any way - more that exploring the transactions that take place when we want something physical are fascinating. Has really helped me reawaken a libido killed by the constant feeling that my family and husband wanted more than I could offer in all departments.

Sadly, not the case here. OP is a knob and needs to give his wife a break Because he wants a physical relationship with his wife he is a knob? Unfortunately childbirth is a fact of life. Presumably the DW wanted a child too. How long is it reasonable to live without sex or with sex twice a year? Should he just keep silent and hope she might become more affectionate? Do his needs not matter at all simply because she was the one who gave birth?

With reference to the sharing of chores; your wife is not worrying about how many household tasks you are doing when you are out, only when you are at home.

Oh JingleJess, do get down off your pedestal. I am a woman who has been married but who happens to not be now. Being married, or not, is nothing to do with this. I work 45 hours per week in a mental health environment, study part time and look after DS and still manage to muster the energy to enjoy a loving sexual relationship with my DP. Because... I love him and want him. And those words I quoted and based my comment on actually came out of my friend's mouth. What would you call it?

Hi,

As posted above -will definitely back off the sex thing and look for intimacy.

I'm sure this makes me sound like a pillock - but I do get turned on when we have a cuddle and can't always help it. I'm a typical man with no control over you know what. What I dont do then it start to pressure. I'm really careful not to do this. It can mean its hard to not come across as wanting more.

From her point of view she needs to undertand that. We still hold hands but saddle kiss very little - shes worried it will lead to other things.

I'm looking for ways to frame the discussion with her - its a hard thing to do. I'm also looking for a consensus view of what is and what is not reasonable.

We are only in our early 30's - I was hoping to have sex more than twice a year. Though to be clear i'd be THRILLED with just a little more as long as she was happy and she genuinely wanted it.

Being married is more than just about sex. We are also raising a child - something amazing. Is it wrong to consider twice a year a little below par for a good marriage?

Are you suggesting that on my more limited time off I should let her go out and enjoy herself while I do extra work?

What is being suggested is that you let her go out and have some time where she isn't constantly on duty and at the beck and call of another extremely demanding, even if they are small, person. If you don't understand this, then you simply join the list of extremely demanding people in her life.

When mine were little, it wasn't even time going out and "enjoying myself" that I craved. I was just glad to go and have a long bath without a situation arising that needed me to intervene, because another adult had already got things in hand, or potter around, undisturbed, in the kitchen, while DH gave his undivided attention to the boys.

I'm also asking if it was a traumatic birth, this can have a huge effect. Even years down the line as I know from experience.

No twisting done. Not sure why you're so cross with me?

Boundaries because there were several eye-rolling outraged comments about the use of the word duty which were in relation to my post (saying that she needs to try to address it for the sake of the relationship). The PP that you quoted then said 'what's wrong with the word duty', referring to my post. We are not talking about a duty to have sex, but a duty to address something that is a problem in the relationship and is making one of the partners unhappy.

(Quietly sniggering at a mental image of the OP's wife knitted up in some Ann Summers army girl tat, marching into the bedroom and booming "Officer Darling Wife here, reporting for duty. I should go to sleep)

OP, I suggest that you contact Relate or another marriage counselling service. They do excellent work and I am sure that they can help you and your DW get back to a close, loving relationship.

And now I'm sniggering at It's hard not to come across....

Sorry, sorry (quietly backs out of the room)

On that we are agreed,creaky ☺️

And as to the time to herself...

She is currently out with friends having a curry! Hence why I'm on here.

Good quote about both doing 75% of the work - will take that one forward too. I'm just physically exhausted too. We've bought a big house. It comes with a big mortgage - and I'm coming up to a final promotion time where I have to compete for a job. I'm sure these things dont help our sex lives either.

For some posters- looking after a child isn't just done at home. I worry every day about making enough money, getting the job and putting food in their mouths too. Maybe its not as much stress as being at home - but it is stress none the less.

Itshouldhave Where is your mind? I think you will have some weird dreams tonight!

And to other posters - what birth isnt traumatic? I've seen where that baby comes from?

It was a ventouse delivery - but no MAJOR traumas. Went home next day.

How long do you think it's reasonable for a woman to not want sex with her husband for? Two years? Five years? You KNOW you would be giving different advice if the genders were reversed here.

It would definitely be different advice. It's always poor woman, bad man, compliment woman, be a better man

I agree with pp regarding counselling op if your wife will be willing of course, if not however I personally would begin to look at what we'll become/how we'll work long term.

If there is an issue in a relationship, any issue- ideally both should try and work at it in some way to achieve a solution or even a compromise. Your wife knows there is an issue in your marriage, therefore resolving it should be as important to her as it is to you. You're in this together.

Wow, I think some women on this thread don't understand a word you are saying. As a women in a happy 2 year relationship, I find sex to be a crucial part of ANY relationship. It is what brings 2 people together and keeps the spark going, I feel once you lose that intimacy you are just living life as flat mates or friends. I think your wife is being quite unreasonable, she may not mean to be but if this was a women posting this saying her DH was not touching kissing ect her, a lot of these women would tell her to leave him. But as this is a man writing this, these women assume you are a sex mad man. I totally disagree with that, I love kissing cuddling and making love to my partner it brings us so must closer every time and keeps us both happy and content. I'm not saying you should be having sex every 10 minutes but once a week? I don't think that is to much to ask for at all. Your partner should want to be close to you and if your saying she gets scared even when you kiss her I think there is some underlining issues there with your DW. My partner also gets turned on just by cuddling and that doesn't scare me it flatters me, it makes me feel wanted by the man I love. Sex is an amazing thing and I would not slander a husband for wanting to feel connected to his wife.

Consider going to counselling, but ultimately if you can't make things change you'll have to decide if you can live without sex or live without your wife.

We have been through something similar although in the reverse, DH was less and less willing. We ended up seeking guidance from Relate and it helped us immensely. Their advice was that we should start by massaging one another in a non-sexual way to rediscover touching one another. We then gradually progressed to more involved massage touch until ultimately we began to find our feet sexually again. For us it was a really great experience and made discussing sex much easier which in turn really helped us. If she'd be willing I'd highly recommend something similar.

OP I don't think you sound as unreasonable as some of the men on here moaning about lack of sex. You sound like you have been thinking about a sentive way of approaching the situation. Obviously no one is entitled to sex. But I do think that sex is important and if you got together and became exclusive on the understand of having a sexual relationship, it's not unreasonable to miss that and want it. If my other half didn't want sex for six months I would feel super sad and rejected and want to know why. I know you said you had an argument about it before, but have you tried a reasonable discussion about it since. Maybe it's too sensitive subject now. Or maybe she doesn't fully understand how you feel.

One things I will say though. In my previous long relationships and talking to friends who currently don't want sex, it's usually because they are knackered and the sex they get from their other half isn't that great, so not worth the effort. Mostly focused on men's pleasure. Blow jobs, expectation to wear sexy but uncomfortable underwear etc etc. That's all fine when you have loads of energy and it's great to please a partner a do things
just for them. But when it's constantly one way... I know now I have a partner who is in tune to what I enjoy sex wise and we can take turns in stuff for each other, I am rarely not in the mood. And we have a small child. Interestingly none if my friends have ever told their other half that the type of sex isn't what they want and I didn't either. Too worried about upsetting the fragile male ego.I don't think I realised too much at the time either. Porn has a lot in answer for. Like women are 'supposed to enjoy what we see in porn etc' but actually porn is so focused on men's pleasure and so the assumption is that's what everyone likes.

I know you will probably say that it used to be great and you always offer in return etc. But sometimes it's not that simple. It's usually great to start, even if it's not what you would really like, it's easy to the put the effort in and be all over enthusiastic about a mediocre shag.

Funny but when a man doesn't want sex the blames goes to the wife for being unattractive or letting herself go. When the women doesnt want sex, she still gets the blames and is labled frigid or whatever...

Not implying you have let yourself go OP, or that you are a rubbish at sex, but you get my drift.

Sorry for rambling. No idea if any of that helps...

The big house was a choice, you know. You can bring up a child in a 2 up 2 down quite effectively. Millions of people all over the country do it.