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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When will you be back? AIBU?

153 replies

Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:11

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

OP posts:
MLGs · 06/12/2016 08:12

Just say 11.30 in that case. Job done.

He is bu though. What happens when he has a night out?

Sirzy · 06/12/2016 08:13

Yanbu to not give an exact time and it's hardly as if you are planning on being out late!

But do make sure you look up train times if you are relying on public transport. Maybe tell him which train your aiming for and that you will text when you get on it?

Trills · 06/12/2016 08:14

I'd think that "before bedtime", "definitely after bedtime", "get worried if I'm not there by 2am" would be reasonable categories of lateness.

MrsJayy · 06/12/2016 08:16

He is being a complete arse you don't need to specify return time it's a night out I probably would have said 11 30ish but seriously it is his child to. Unless you press for a return time yanbu

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:19

He goes to bed at 9.30 so I'll very likely be after that and very unlikely to be after 12 but just seems very anal to have to specify. When he goes out I wouldn't care what time he got back. With a work do we would be more likely to leave early and get back for bedtime. He doesn't go out that much. He thinks 3 nights this week is too much even though it is an exceptional week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:21

The thing is he has given some way but riled me as the whole conversation started last night with him saying. Let agree on a return time for you. Get back for 10. I'm not going to walk out over the main course with my whole team and don't want to feel stressed that I'm running late either.

OP posts:
witsender · 06/12/2016 08:24

I tend to give an indication, especially with public transport simply so he knows when to worry if I haven't appeared or got on touch!

gamerchick · 06/12/2016 08:30

Just say 11.30 then perhaps brace yourself for the argument he may engineer so you can't go out at all.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/12/2016 08:49

Is he controlling in other ways too? The 'let's agree' comment was a red flag for me. There are reasons I went 'WHOOOOOOP!' when I left home ... and not being accountable was one of them. I do get the element of concern, as in when to start worrying, but that's different from specifying a particular time ...

waitingforsomething · 06/12/2016 08:49

Even if you have no train times to hand, perhaps he was just looking for 9ish/midnight-ish/3am-ish. DH and I will give an indication to each other and if it's wildly different to what we imagined we will drop each other a text to avoid worry.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. Although not sure why he's worried about your toddler needing resettling, surely he can do that.

VioletRoar · 06/12/2016 08:53

So what if he has to resettle his own child? Stay out as late as you want, you're an adult. "By 11.30ish" is perfectly reasonable as a reply.

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:55

He knows that it's not going to be 3am. I am just going for a meal then home. Yes sadly I think he probably would be classed as controlling :(.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 08:56

Think of the latest time you're likely to be back. Add an hour for luck. Sorted.

"Let's agree" however is a real red flag. As is stipulating 10.00 (or any other time, actually, but 10.00 is really early) to a adult.

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 09:01

Is let's agree a red flag? Why is that?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2016 09:03

That is quite controlling in my view, I can't imagine my husband saying "let's agree" or suggesting 10. I'd tell him to sod right off. Just say around midnight, but you will call when you're on your way home and be done with it.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/12/2016 09:04

I was going to have a tiny bit of sympathy with him if there was a chance that you'd be back around your toddler's bedtime as I know in our house all hell can break lose if I get home around bedtime (combination of tiredness plus excitement to see me).

However I then read this:

Let agree on a return time for you. Get back for 10

...and can only assume he is a controlling arsehole. Sorry Sad

MLGs · 06/12/2016 09:05

I don't think "let's agree" is a red flag for everything. Let's agree how we are going to divide housework/ pay the bills etc are reasonable "let's agrees". I think it was the fact it underlines that he wants it etched in stone.

However if he is controlling in other ways this is probably tip of the iceberg.

Neefs · 06/12/2016 09:07

YANBU. You're an adult, and he can look after his own children. If my OH told me I had to be home by 10, I'd suggest he was getting me confused with his DC. And that he could do one.

Trills · 06/12/2016 09:07

Saying "let's agree" in a sentence where it could be substituted with "I am going to tell you and you have to do as I say" is not an agreement.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 09:08

Because the appropriate, non controlling question would be "Do you know what sort of time you'll be back?" to which you can reply "Not sure, but I'll text you when I'm on the way home" or "Not sure- but the last train is at X so no later than that"

It's not something you "agree" unless it's something that affects him too.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 06/12/2016 09:09

If my DS said let's agree a return time for you I would be giving him this face Confused Hmm. That's such a weird thing to say.

YANBU 9.30 to 11.30 sounds reasonable to me. If he goes to bed at 9.30, what difference does it make anyway?

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 09:10

how come he isn't able to resettle his child?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/12/2016 09:10

I'll answer Asuitable ... it was a red flag for me because it took as given that this was something he should have influence over from the outset. He gets to control / have input into deciding what time the OP will he home. OK for a 16 YO, but not a grown woman. Sure there's a child involved, but he is equally capable of settling him.

OP - How else is he controlling?

Neefs · 06/12/2016 09:10

But why should they agree on a return time for her? I can't understand this, she can stay out as long as she likes!

OP doesn't know how the evening is going to go - might turn out to be really good and she might want to stay out a bit longer. Why should she have to worry about staying out 'too late'? GIves me the shivers - reminds me of being a teenager.....

MiniCooperLover · 06/12/2016 09:10

Him saying 'let's agree' is hugely controlling as it's not 'we' at all it's he ... and 10? On a Christmas night out? Unless you were starting at 2pm in the afternoon 10pm is ridiculous

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