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AIBU?

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Original poster

When will you be back? AIBU?

153 replies

Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:11

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

OP posts:
Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/12/2016 11:33

Given the toddler has a very late bedtime and by the sounds of things can be unsettled after that, then it sounds like it does mean if one person is out late then the other one is basically 'on duty' for the entire evening.

I often rely on being able to get an hour or two of work done after DC are in bed and know it can be a nightmare if your plans are thwarted by an unsettled evening.

So, being charitable it is possible OP's partner might struggle with her being out 3 nights in a week if he has work to do.

But still, even if this were the case, it is not the sign of a healthy relationship to be approaching it in the way he has.

DH and I regularly have to negotiate with each other around who is in/out, how busy we are in our respective jobs etc. I called DH this morning to check it wouldn't be a problem if I was out late tonight - he could have said 'oh yes actually I've got an urgent deadline and was hoping to get some work done' and we'd have worked something out - sometimes we've had to cancel social engagements to help the other one out.

But that doesn't sound like what's going on here.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2016 12:09

Bubbin the op has said that her OH will be in bed at 9:30. Not busy. Asleep.

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 12:12

The children are in bed at 8.30 usually. Though sometimes the toddler is difficult to get down so 9.30 is not unheard of. It is very unusual for her to wake up before 2am, in fact I don't know when the last time she woke before 12.45pm was. She often sleeps through. But yes I think that he feels that he is busy and stressed at work bringing home the bacon and doesn't need broken nights. He finds it distrupting when I come to bed too. He has now agreed that I will come when the meal finishes. But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this.

OP posts:
YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 06/12/2016 12:17

Oh OP..... what have you done?

You've agreed to come home from your Christmas night out because he can't settle his own child.

He'll phone you.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 12:21

"But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this."

Oh, OP- I so wish you hadn't done that! He is going to phone you. You are going to get home to discover your child distraught because he hasn't even tried to settle her, and that will be the end of your nights out for years to come. Can you change your mind?

sterlingcooper · 06/12/2016 12:22

So what would be likely to happen if you call him to say you'll be home later than planned? What would he actually do?

usernotfound0000 · 06/12/2016 12:24

Surely the time it would take you to get home, he could already have resettled her? This does sound worrying behaviour, especially if he is controlling in other ways. I would bet that you'll get a call.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 12:27

"Surely the time it would take you to get home, he could already have resettled her"

Or made sure she was beside herself..............

SilenceOfTheYams · 06/12/2016 12:27

I never ask my husband what time he is planning on getting home from a night out, and he wouldn't ask me! We get home when we get home. If I am out and our daughter wakes up then he settles her.

He seems to be planning on making it as difficult as possible for you to have a night out, so that you eventually decide that it's too much hassle and you won't bother going out in future. But then it will be 'your decision' and he'll be able to say that he never did anything to prevent you from going out, you were the one who decided not to go.

Pallisers · 06/12/2016 12:28

but riled me as the whole conversation started last night with him saying. Let agree on a return time for you. Get back for 10.

Let's agree on a return time for you??? Are you 15?

He has now agreed that I will come when the meal finishes. But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this

Do you like being treated like a teenager who needs daddy to impose a curfew and rules?

You do know that you don't need his agreement for any of this. It is perfectly reasonable for a parent to go out over xmas and have the other parent do bedtime and mind his own children.

Sorry OP but I am constantly surprised at what shit people will put up with.

Kidnapped · 06/12/2016 12:30

I can see why you don't normally go out.

Too much hassle and guilt heaped upon you.

Gruach · 06/12/2016 12:32

Goodness.

Have you not been listening to The Archers over the past couple of years OP?

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 12:32

This thread has made me really sad.

I hope you can go out and enjoy yourself

0hCrepe · 06/12/2016 12:38

Do what many men do, say the time you think your dog would like to hear, stay out beyond that and reply to his first text asking where you are or how long you will be by saying back in half an hour. Then switch phone off and return home shitfaced in the early hours. The philosophy? Tell them what they want to hear to avoid strife upon going out then get too pissed to care and if you're going to get into trouble anyway you might as well go for it.

0hCrepe · 06/12/2016 12:38

*dh not dog!!

Gruach · 06/12/2016 12:39

"dog" was rather good ...

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/12/2016 12:40

Shame your phone ran out of battery eh?

You know he'll call.

This isn't about the dinner / your home time is it?

It's a bigger issue and it is about control isn't it?

Blossomdeary · 06/12/2016 12:40

He just doesn't want to make the effort to settle the child - his child, it is time he learned!

usernotfound0000 · 06/12/2016 12:41

I only ever tell my DH if he should wait up or not, i.e. if I'll be in before 11 I'll say wait up, if it could be a late one, I'll tell him not to bother and that's all I ask of him.

I hope you change your mind and tell him you won't be home until you're ready but I suspect that won't be the case.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/12/2016 12:43

Just switch your phone off.

Why on earth did you agree to come straight home?!

beelover · 06/12/2016 12:43

How dare he control your life like this. I was appalled at the 10pm deadline but now speechless at the prospect of a phone call to make you head for home if the toddler wakes up. Like everyone else says you can 100% guarantee that phonecall is definitely going to come. I am sad and very worried for you that you are living with a man like this. So what if he has to settle his own child for once and is this what he will propose for your other nights out too?

gamerchick · 06/12/2016 12:46

You caved? You know he's going to ruin your night? What's the point in going, he will phone you guaranteed. Sad

SapphireStrange · 06/12/2016 12:49

OK, well, at first I was going to say he was a drama llama, but at Let agree on a return time for you. Get back for 10. I thought Shock

and at He has now agreed that I will come when the meal finishes. But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this I thought, seriously sinister controlling cunt.

Why have you agreed to this?

Madinche1sea · 06/12/2016 12:50

OP - this is ridiculous, I'm sorry. I could understand it if you were out three nights every week, but this is a one off

What is so overwhelming for him about having to settle one toddler?! I have 4 DC and a workaholic DH who works all hours, but even he wouldn't complain about putting them all to bed by himself as a one off because he knows very well that I do this 99 percent of the time. Otherwise I would never go out.

Wait until you have more children and they're in school and there's all the homework to check in bags, uniforms, PE kits and other random stuff to get ready every night. If you're both working this should not all fall to you, but if you stay on this course I fear it will.

Tell him this is one toddler - his child - and to get a grip!

NapQueen · 06/12/2016 12:50

You shouldn't be agreeing to anything.

You are deserving of a night off! Three as well.

He sounds like a proper cunt.

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