When will you be back? AIBU?

[Asuitablemum]

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

That sounds very controlling. If he never has to specify an exact time for you then are not BU.

I think that's the thing - it's not the question "what sort of time will you be back" that's the problem but his response to your perfectly reasonable answer.

As pps have said a "not sure, but 9.30 - 11.30 ish/ before midnight / the last train is x o'clock / I'll text you on the way" are all fine responses that a normal partner would expect.

I like to have a vague idea of when dh will be home but more along the lines of "probably before midnight" or "more like 5am". He likes to know more precisely when I expect to be back but if I hanged plans and texted to say I'd be later than I'd thought he wouldn't mind, he'd just like knowing he didn't have to worry when I was wasn't in by the original time I'd planned to be.
I'd go for telling him later than you expect and rolling your eyes at his huffiness.

Even if he wasn't using "Let's agree" as a means of dictating what time OP returned, it is not a situation that requires agreement, it requires OPs partner to be informed.

I can't imagine my DH ever asking what time I'd be back.

So he's having to parent his child for a bit, big deal. You'll be back when you're back. 'Let's agree'? Fuck that. You aren't a child, don't let him treat you like one.

That's right, it's not a situation that requires his agreement, just the OP making her own decisions. My first reply wasn't quite as spot on as some of the later ones.

The examples I gave are all joint decisions whereas this one isn't.

Another one saying the "Let's agree a return time for you. Get back for 10." is unacceptable.

Er no. This is 100% controlling. Why does your DH need to tell you what time you need to be home? You are an adult. It's a work commitment (though the same applies to friends / theatre etc). You will get home when the meal is finished, when the trains allow.

Imagine this the other way round. Your DH is going to an evening event. Do you say to him, "Let's agree when you will come home. I'll expect you to be back no later than 10pm."?

Would I be totally evil if I suggested that you went out, got plastered, arrived home as late as possible and woke him up to tell him all about it? An extra 10 points if you manage to vomit over him.

Let's agree 10pm??-er, let's not!

Is he hoping that you'll not bother?

It's fine to ask someone what time they be in, it's fine for them to not have much idea also!

I'm going out tonight with my friends. I'm not going to give my husband a 'return home' time! If it were after midnight and I thought he'd worry, I'd text him but he'll go to bed anyway and be asleep. So will your partner, so why's he trying to get you to come home at 10pm?

"Let's agree" followed by "10pm" is massively controlling. What happens when he goes out?

You're an adult. Why does he think you need a curfew?

YANBU.
He can't tell you at what time you ought to be back, especially with a Christmas party with WORK. You can't just get up and leave in the middle of the meal.

If it was me, I would have had a look at trains and said something along the lines of 'I might take the 10.30pm or the 11.12pm. Not sure yet. It depends on quick the meal is.'

As for the 3 meals a night is too much at this time of the year?? In which place is he living?

What stands out for me is the fact he is worried he would have to get up and resettled his child and doesnt seem to be able to cope with that....

So unable to be a father and look afer his child and controlling... not a good picture.

Are you talking about your Dad or about your husband?

Btw, I think asking at what time you will be back isn't an issue. I always ask DH and I always tell him.
Not in a controlling way. But more to know what to expect and know if I/he should be worried if i/he haven't come back by 2.00am when I/he was supposed to be back at 10.00pm iyswim.

What this guy is doing is different though. He is TELLING you at what time to come back and is un effect telling you you aren't to come back later than that. Very different and unacceptable.

DH has never asked me or told me what time I'll be home!
All he ever says is make sure you get a cab. If he tried to tell me when to be home I'd just laugh at him as I went out the door!

Lets agree you will be home by 10 is the kind of thing my mum said to me when I was a teenager - I would think Dp had lost the plot if he started telling me what time to be home.

"Let's agree that I will finish my dinner with everyone else in the restaurant and then come home."

It's not unreasonable to want a rough time. I'd tell my dh 11 and I'll text if it changes. I'd tell your dh never unless he changes his attitude

He is being ridiculous. Just tell him the latest likely time, then if you're early it's a bonus.

"Let agree on a return time for you. Get back for 10".

That's dictating, not agreeing.

Tell him you'll be back at 11.30. And then the other 2 nights that you'll be back at 11.30. And that he can always assume 11.30 in the future unless you tell him any different.

With a reasonable person, this would be the end of it.

It won't be the end of it with him.

If my husband started a conversation about my night out with "let's agree" a time for me to return, the only thing I'd be agreeing to would be that it'd be some time before 4am-ish.

I like to know roughly when DH will be home if he's going out. It affects whether I put the chain on the door or the lock, etc. I tell him roughly when I'll be home too. I just see it as a basic courtesy.

When he says "let's agree" he means "let me decide" doesn't he?

Of course I tell my DP a rough time I'll be home. He does the same for me. But it's up to me to tell him when I'll be home. Not for him to dictate.

YANBU. As pp have said, it's controlling behaviour.

My DH is at a Christmas do tonight, I said to him 'will you be late tonight' he replied 'probably' and that's that.

I had one last week, he didn't ask what time I would be home. I told him I didn't know what time I would be home. He said 'ok.'

As far as I am concerned these are normal responses. 'lets agree on a time for you to be home' isn't.