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AIBU?

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Original poster

When will you be back? AIBU?

153 replies

Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:11

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

OP posts:
AndNothingElseMatters · 06/12/2016 12:51

Oh well. More fool you, OP, for pandering to that nonsense.

AyeAmarok · 06/12/2016 12:54

He'll call you to order you to return whether the toddler wakes or not.

SusanneLinder · 06/12/2016 12:55

My answer would be "when you see me'.Grin

Wheelerdeeler · 06/12/2016 12:57

Dh may ask me what time I will be home. If it was an early one (11pm or so) he would send me a text around around 10.30pm asking me was I coming home soon and if so to bring a few pizza slices Grin

But if he asks it is purely for informational purposes - the same way that I might ask him. Usually we aren't specific, just that we may not be late or it may be a late one.

Your H is being controlling. Ringing you demanding you home as the toddler woke????? He is the father - he needs to deal with it. It is 1 week that you happen to have a few nights out. It isn't like it happens every week.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 06/12/2016 12:58

wowsers - he's a wrong 'un isn't he, OP?
god help you.
can i call over and tell him to cunt off, on your behalf?

NapQueen · 06/12/2016 13:03

You could always turn your phone off. Or onto silent and shoved it into the bottom of your bag or a lake

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/12/2016 13:04

WTF - I am prepared to bet that you will get a phone call every night to come straight home. Why did you hand control of your evening to him. It is totally unreasonable of him.

OP you really need to set boundaries around your time, if he is going to be like this. He doesn't get to ruin your nights out because he is incapable of parenting his own child. He also doesn't get to ruin your nights out because he feels he has a right to control who you see and for how long and will use your child as a tool to allow him to do that.

He is not a nice person.

nancy75 · 06/12/2016 13:05

Well that's big of him, you are allowed out for the whole meal as long as your child doesn't wake up.

This is your work Xmas meal - so why is he not allowed to be disturbed during the night (because he has to go to work) but you are - despite the fact that you also go to work?

CocktailQueen · 06/12/2016 13:05

He has now agreed that I will come when the meal finishes. But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this.

Oh, OP. :(

Can you not see how wrong this is?? This is all about control. Bet you anything you like your dd will 'wake up' and you will have to leave early.

So you'll be on tenterhooks throughout the meal waiting for your dh to ring.

Then the next night out won't seem like so much fun, so you might not bother.

Then the same for the next one - and the next. Until eventually nobody asks you out at all and you're stuck at home all the time with your nasty,. controlling husband.

OP, you have a choice here. You don't have to put up with this!

Your h can look after his own dd, surely? He's going to be in bed anyway, so it doesn't matter to him whether or not you're in.

nancy75 · 06/12/2016 13:06

You know he will phone and say baby is awake at about 9.30? when you get home baby will have miraculously gone back to sleep

RandomMess · 06/12/2016 13:07

Blimey think I'd leave my phone turned off if he's going to insist you come straight home!!!

It's not like you are out regularly after all Confused

Yes he does seem very controlling and clearly doesn't believe he needs to get involved with parenting his own DC!

CheesyWeez · 06/12/2016 13:14

You could engage a teenager to babysit if he's not capable of looking after his own children. Then he can sit on the sofa next to a teenager all evening. hah

What would be the good of calling you anyway? Didn't you say it would take an hour to get home? (sorry might have mis-remembered that).

You could practise between now and the night out, get him to do bedtime on his own. Why is he incompetent? For your works do there is an expectation to go. You are effectively going to work. You are also allowed to go out with your friends.

Have you got a spare room? Go and sleep in there if he's so easily disturbed I'd be hopping mad if I were you OP. Unreasonable behaviour.

Bogeyface · 06/12/2016 13:17

Thats exactly what I thought Nancy

I doubt that the baby will wake, given what the OP said, but that phone call will come, sure as eggs is eggs.

This is horrible and will only get worse. :(

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 13:18

That's a brilliant idea!

"Hey' I've solved the problem! You can get a babysitter- then it doesn't matter what time I come home. I think there are some numbers in the book"

Arfarfanarf · 06/12/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWembley · 06/12/2016 13:22

Please, OP, listen to the advice here! This is highly controlling behaviour and has to be nipped in the bud right now.

Tell him straight away that you've thought about it and don't feel that it's fair that he tell you when you should come home. He is perfectly capable of looking after his own children and if he continues in this way he may find himself having sole care of them every other weekend.Angry

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 06/12/2016 13:23

And this is why you don't go out much.

MopedManiac · 06/12/2016 13:25

Our work do finishes at 1am. I have arranged to stay at colleagues in order to avoid the inevitable "when u coming home?" texts just as the pudding arrives!

I now tend to overestimate how long I'll be so if I'm having a good time I can stay a bit longer or if things naturally wrap up I get 'bonus points' for getting back early! Smile

Neefs · 06/12/2016 13:28

OP this is so sad, why do you feel it is OK for him to dictate the way your evening goes? This is a seriously worrying dynamic in your relationship. Would you be happy if in the future her 'D'H treated your DD this way?

PNGirl · 06/12/2016 13:31

Oh dear. You are a mug and have just agreed that the kids are your job, not his. That's going to be nice for the next 10 years.

PatriciaHolm · 06/12/2016 13:31

"He has now agreed that I will come when the meal finishes. But if she wakes up he will call me and I have to come straight home. I've agreed to this"

That's not agreement. That's dictatorship.

You'll get a call about 9pm.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/12/2016 13:33

Please don't agree to come back if he calls. He's an adult with children. He can look after them for one night or even three nights or, you know, a lifetime!
Now he will definitely call. Plus you won't be able to enjoy your night out whilst you're subconsciously waiting to be summoned home.
My friend's DH is like your's. It used to make me so angry on her behalf their DCs are older now so it's no longer relevant

pangolina · 06/12/2016 13:33

Noooooo! Don't agree to that! Tell him he is being ridiculous and you'll be home when the night is over.
My OH never asks when I'll be home - he just says to text him when I'm ready to come home if I want a lift and if he goes to bed before that, to get a taxi. That is what a nice, normal man does.
If you don't feel that you can stand up to him, please put your phone on silent so you can check it when you want to, and not have him interrupting you.
This is so unfair. I want to kick him in the face.

FurryLittleTwerp · 06/12/2016 13:35

Yep, he'll be ringing you for certain. Git.

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 06/12/2016 13:42

Hi OP

This thread is reminding me of posts I put up about my ex husbands controlling behaviour.

Its hard to read what others are saying about your husbands behaviour? I found it so with my ex. I thought that people didn't know him/understand him like me and excused the behaviour down to his past or his strongly held beliefs. But in time I gradually found that 'normal' was not what happened in our house. Threads like this helped me see his behaviour for what it was. Controlling, narcissistic, selfish, misogynistic...

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing you are currently living in a world where he creates the rules of 'normal'. I would suggest posting another thread, if you feel able one day, about things he does/says/tone of voice/assumptions he makes, that your gut feeling tells you are unreasonable.

I agree with the red flag waving, I know my ex had them all over but I missed and dismissed all of them for any number of years because the reality of confirming them felt too overwhelming, believe me, you are stronger than you know and you will find that strength one day.

Take care and I hope you enjoy your nights out with your friends and colleagues xx

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