When will you be back? AIBU?

[Asuitablemum]

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

Oh dear.
"Let's agree" is code for "I'll say what you should do and you'll agree to it", that's why it's a red flag for a controlling wanker.

Him telling you that if the toddler wakes up, he'll call you and You Will Leave Immediately isn't even code, it's a MASSIVE red flag for him being a controlling wanker.

Can't believe you agreed to it, frankly. :(

There's some really great replies on this thread, which I agree with completely. Enjoy your night out, he should cope until you get home. That's it.

I know where you're coming from OP. Problem is when you do make a point and have your night out you're made to "pay" for it by his subsequent behaviour.
You are in a vulnerable position with your children etc so not easy to try to stand up to this behaviour. Recognising and accepting that your DH is being controlling and unreasonable is the first step . Try not to let him get to you. See if you can get counselling and maybe they can suggest some local community assertiveness training classes.
Good luck

Tell him you have a bet on it at the bookies. Should get great odds on 'normally non-waking baby purely randomly waking on my night out'.

Or tell him you're playing 'Massive Arse Bingo' at your work party, and you're sooo glad he's decided to join in.

No way should you have agreed to this OP.
Why the hell cant be settle his own toddler?

Oh I feel a bit sad now, I'm not a mug :(. I just hate the unnecessary confrontation. I really don't think that she will wake and it is all arbitrary really as he would call me for her waking until after 10 by which time I'm likely on the way home anyway. And she'll be settled by the time I get home.

I agree with some of the comments about making it just awkward for me to go on nights out. I feel like he should be supporting my social life and Christmas cheer not trying to put limits on it. Making out its a massive inconvenience to him, when it really isn't and also making comments like 'you'll be really tired and moan about it', 'eating and drinking on a Tuesday night won't help your diet' etc.

I actually suggested dropping the kids to my parents on Friday night to stop him moaning about work etc. But apparently I'm giving him two rubbish options to choose and that's worse. The nanny is staying till he returns and actually would do bedtime if he really wanted to avoid it. But he wants to see the kids just not to have to put them both the sleep.

It is so difficult to do some of the hardline suggestions as I just want to avoid the confrontation and have an easy life. Not create it.

It depends if you ask the same from him when he has a night out.

DH and I always agree on a time to be home. Sometimes we are early, sometimes a bit late, but at least it gives the one staying home an idea of how to plan the evening (for ex I won't go to bed if I know he will be back in the next 30min)
Works very well for us.

The very fact you feel there will be a big confrontation...you are NOT being unreasonable.

But I totally understand why you are going along with what he thinks you should do, on this occasion in time.

Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?' is a good read.

So what happens if you don't do what he wants?

Or don't you know what would happen because you always do what he wants?

I feel jittery on your behalf OP.

i get that you want an easy life but I couldn't put up with that nonsense. sorry but he would be getting told to buck up his ideas or he would be out the door in a flash.

I would switch my phone off whilst I am inside having fun with colleagues/friends and switch it on when I come out to go home. if he has called just tell him you weren't getting a signal or couldn't hear because of the noise.

I find it quite sad you put up with his behaviour.

He knows you don't like confrontation and I assume if you challenge it then life becomes difficult?

This really isn't how it's supposed to be you know.

And you really shouldn't be afraid to say no to your DH. You should be a team.

He managed to get you to agree to a compromise that isn't one. Guarantee you will get a call summoning you home for 10, i.e. the original time his lordship wanted you home.

He sees the DC when he gets home, nanny has 30 mins break. Then nanny does bedtime. Or you drop them at the GP as per your suggestion. He doesn't like any of your suggestions because he simply doesn't like you to have a life outside of his control.

No way i could live like that, very sad that you are. What are you teaching your DC?

'eating and drinking on a Tuesday night won't help your diet'

Just pretend for one second that you're hearing a friend tell you her partner said that.

Not ok, OP. Really not ok.

I really hope you have a good evening.

DH has a hint of a controlling side. In his case, my nights out get interrupted by his waves of anxiety/heart flutters/ strange gastric symptoms. (All of which he does have, medically diagnosed, but the timings were getting a bit... suspect.)

The last couple of times, I've pre-empted it by saying, 'Right, you know I'm away Tuesday night? And you know you get anxious and tend to phone me with panic attacks when I'm out? What's your back-up plan for it as I won't be around? Maybe have [nurse up road] phone number on standby, if you need reassurance?'

No phone call. Presumably also no problem. Could you do the same with babysitter or nanny's number?

I just want to avoid the confrontation and have an easy life. Not create it.

The thing is you are making compromises all the time to avoid confrontation. But it's not confrontation reallly is it? It's his unpleasantness. Because there is no need for a confrontation no matter what time you come in, in a happy, respectful, equal relationship.

You have already agreed to come home straight after the meal. Then you've agreed to come back before that if the DC cry (I'd bet my last penny that he'll call you). The next compromise to "avoid confrontation" (ie his arseholery) will be to not go out at all.

You are not a mug OP. But you are being controlled and abused

I agree he's controlling. I often text my DP to tell him not to wait up as I'm staying behind after work for a few drinks. My staff party is at the beginning of the year and I probably won't be home till 2-3am. He'll never ask or complain. We have no DC at the moment but it will be much the same when we do. You deserve to go out and have a nice time, without this stress. Please do consider that you deserve better than this

So, as well as complaining about you going out, he criticises your health and food intake?

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Why are you giving him all this power OP? What has he done to deserve it? Nothing in your posts is making him sound like a paragon of husbanding or parenting.

It's three nights out in a week, one week of the year. If it was every week then he might have a point, but it isn't.

It's probably childish, but I would be turning my phone off and not switching it back on until I was ready to leave the venue, then claiming there was no phone signal inside.

If you leave your phone on and don't get a call at 9.30, I'll show my arse in Burton's window.

I would tell him the options he considers "shit" are the only options. He gets to choose whether

a. he puts kids to bed and does the settling himself
b. Nanny does it, or babysitter
c. Kids go to grandparents.

None of these involve you getting back early because there is no need.

If one of the nights is a Friday you should also be getting a lie in. Take kids to grandparents if this is the only way this will happen.

He regards these options as shit because they don't involve him controlling you. they involve you getting a break and some proper time out. He won't like that.

What other ways is he controlling OP?

I think you need to rethink the whole relationship.

It's a bit harder to control you when you have help, such as a Nanny, so it's important for him to keep you under control where he can.

Oh and I agree re the food and drink intake. And reminding OP about her diet. Very controlling.

The thing is its easy for posters who've never been in an abusive relationship to say "leave your phone off" or "just tell him" It's hard to imagine living with the shitty consequences if you've never had to.

Sorry OP but you are a mug. No point moaning about it and being upset as you have allowed it to happen.

You don't like confrontation. In a normal healthy relationship, these things don't cause any confrontation because no one would be causing it to.

My DP sometimes has a little hissy fit when I go out. I call him on it, go out anyway, moan like buggery for five minutes to my friends, stay out for an inordinately long time and get rat-arsed.

His response the next morning is to let me have a lie-in and to bring me a cup of tea. I always take that as his apology.

If you were to rock the boat and call him on his behaviour, what would his response be?