When will you be back? AIBU?

[Asuitablemum]

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

Neigh what a nasty, victim-blaming, low post

Have I read too much Mumsnet when my suspicion is that she will 'wake' he'll call you and you'll return home to a sleeping child?
Its massively controlling, you are adults, while it wouldn't be on to go out 3 nights every week it's often the way at this time of year

The thing is its easy for posters who've never been in an abusive relationship to say "leave your phone off" or "just tell him" It's hard to imagine living with the shitty consequences if you've never had to.

I have lived with the shitty consequences, and that's mostly why that person is now an ex. Being "punished" for having a life outside of him and his life, for having friends that he didn't know (nor want to get to know), for not being the "good little woman at home". If only I'd found Mumsnet back then. Hey ho.

The OP is going to get shitty consequences if she so much as sets foot outside the front door on the night of this do, because that's not what her "D"H/P wants to happen. I just think that if the OP is going to go on the do, she might as well try and enjoy herself without being on pins waiting for her phone to ring, and have a night out on her terms, not his.

surley that wasn't specifically aimed at you. Lots of people have said the same things on this thread.

They are shit options to him, because they are entirely reasonable. The only "good" option for him would be for you to stay home.

If the issue really was the kids not settling then he would be ok with them going to your parents, the fact that he said no shows that that was simply an excuse.

What do you think would happen if you said "I am going out, I will be back when I am back and I dont like you attempting to lay down rules"? I am curious what his reaction would be.

Oh OP I'm sorry your DH is doing this to you. It is controlling and I will give you some examples of my EXH who did this to me even though I did have more works do than you, but still only one every other month

• Wanted me home by 10pm, wanted to pick me up rather than me make my own way home in a taxi with a colleague
• Locked me out if I was late so he would have to open the door and then he would drag me in
• Once told me (when I was 26) that his mates at work all agreed that 'wives' should not be going clubbing till 2am
• Often punished me for coming home after the time he thought was acceptable for a wife
• Told me on a number of occasions that he would not let me go out since I had been late the previous time

We split up but I briefly went back (but on an agreement that I would just live there we were officially separated) and he drove off with my change of clothes for a night out when he dropped me off at work Finally, this may make people smile, again after we were living under the same roof but separated, he told me that he wanted me back by 10 or else he would lock the door. Well I had no intention of going home at 10 so I just stayed out all night - that really pissed him off - I left permanently after that incident. Luckily we didn't have kids but honestly OP he sounds a bit like my EXH albeit with different excuses. Enjoy your night out and I really hope you don't get a phone call

He is not as bad as your ex sounds minions rule. He would never lock me out or drag me in. It's more just a bit of huffing and grumpiness. I basically did say in the phone this morning that I wasn't giving him a time, it was ridiculous and would just be a finger in the air. He got cross and ended up basically hanging up but then dos text me to call back and was more conciliatory. He was especially annoyed about tonight as I reminded him on sat and it wasn't in his diary. Whereas the other two he had planned in.

This revelation resulted in an angry outburst of 'for fucks sake' etc. This is the other form that his controlling behaviour takes. Flying off the handle over what I consider to be small things and speaking to me in an unacceptable way. Not allowing me to have my say in those 'arguments' eg. I can't listen right now I'm too mad. Then just forgetting about it once it's over.

You offering him sensible solutions to the childcare issue deprives him of the stick with which he can beat you. Theoretically speaking of course.

He doesn't want you to have the kids looked after elsewhere. He wants them home so he has justification for demanding you come home.

May I suggest that if he moans about this tomorrow (or any other time) then say "I offered you childcare options and you didnt take them, so dont moan at me about it. You chose to have the kids at home instead of [at my parents] [have the nanny help out] " Shut him down. He knows he is being unreasonable, but he is hoping that you dont.

I second it being only too easy to say 'you should say this'. If you are in a abusive relationship you need to a) stay safe b) think of the impact on the children if you do not do as you are told c) pick your battles. The moment I picked my battle was when I had everything in place to go it as a lone parent. Had friends backing me. Had relate counsellor telling me he was abusive. Had my health visitors support. School aware of the issues. Spoken to domestic abuse services. Spoken to Women's aid (a number of times in floods of tears), looked at the benefits I would be entitled too. Then he brought up separation and I endured months of him telling me what a crap mother and wife I was. None of it in a raised voice, it was low, quiet and perpetual drip feed of how awful I was.

He went in the end. But not without a huge mental effort on my part not to fall for his lies and his version of our relationship.

Its been worth it.

Love, you need to get this sorted out. He IS very controlling. Surely you don't want to spend the next 60 years living like this? You'll end up with no life at all 😔

You have two choices really - get him told, clearly, that you are no longer going to be silenced by his outbursts, controlled by his temper or live on eggshells. That he can settle his own child, get himself to sleep & generally grow the fuck up. Or leave. Don't treat that as an idle threat, but a fact. Your life will become smaller until you no lmatter never recognise it if you continue to live like this - setting no times to be home, agreeing to come home if his daughter wakes up, being told to be home by 10. Fuck, you're an ADULT. Put your foot down!

Well done theresoneroomleft 💐

OP, no he doesn't sound as bad as mine but it saddens me when people have to walk on eggshells, not rock the boat as partner may flare up. Maybe that is the way he is controlling, he knows you don't like confrontation so he blows up knowing you will back down and do what he wants.
I also agree with PP's who say it isn't as simple as 'well tell him you are doing this or that'. I know people mean well but I know it isn't as simple as that for everyone.
Enjoy that night out and I hope you go on the others as well

I've not read whole thread but have read ops posts.

This control of you needs nipped in the bud asap!

You work too but HIS nights aren't to be disturbed?

He thinks he can TELL you when to come home or at best have you on a 'long leash' whereby if he calls because HIS CHILD is awake he calls and you're expected to come running?

Are you even allowed out socially the rest of the year? Because honestly you sound cowed.

Just because he hasn't raised a hand even if he hasn't raised his voice doesn't mean this is anything less than controlling and abusive.

He knows you don't want confrontation and relies on that (hence the hang ups followed by false conciliation).

I would urge you to get support and possibly therapy to be able to deal with this.

I just want to avoid the confrontation and have an easy life. Not create it.

OP, you don't have an easy life. An easy life is when you remind your husband that you are going out. he asks who with and hopes you will enjoy yourself. The next morning he asks how it went. That is a normal/easy life.

huffing and puffing and being grumpy and saying for fucks sake is really unacceptable - and must be incredibly tedious and unattractive as well.

What would happen if when he told you he had forgotten to put it in his diary you said "for fucks sake" and then when he tried to talk said "I'm too upset to talk right now"?

Really hope you're not twenty minutes from a phone call that your DC have "woken".
Hope you've had as great a night as you sound like you deserve.

Just to let you know that I had a good night out. Left with the others and am back home now. All is quiet here! But I know...he's still been an arse :(. Just wish he was nice and normal. I'm not asking for fireworks!

So he didnt call?

Glad that you had a good night :)

Glad you had a good night and you weren't called home and that all well at home with dc.

Maybe leave till after xmas but I do think his desire to control you needs to be addressed.

How's he been this morning? Hope he's had a chance to consider his behaviour...

Really glad you had a good night out and he didn't call you.
Really also hope that there are no repercussions from that.
It's really NOT too much to ask that he be reasonable about your nights out - it's Christmas, ffs, outings happen more at this time of year!

GOOD!

But please, start thinking seriously about his attitude and your marriage. You don't deserve to live with someone who orders you about and tries to impose rules and conditions.

Glad you had a good night out :)

I set things off by thinking what I would look for in a man IF I was single and knew then what I knew now. Ie not someone who wanted to be the 'leader' but someone who worked as a team. To be my friend above all else. To really care about me (ie bring me a cup of tea in bed :D chocolate at certain times of the month). To have the same sense of humour and who actually found me funny and vise versa. Someone who cares about others. Likes watching crap tv, but likes family days out (sounding like my POF profile now...) and of course how he is with the children. Fun, loving, allowing the children to be themselves, empathetic, not controlling, serious (majority of the time) telling them from age 4 to 'not be silly', disapproving of them expressing themselves, trying to get them to be 'just like him'.

Think if your dd in 20 odd years being in a relationship that is just like your's, what would you feel for her? Would you want her to go to find someone who really loves and cherishes her? Or to stay with him for the rest of her life?

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

Anyway, I'll stop now, it can all be very overwhelming. Baby steps are a good way of getting to where you want to be in say 5 or 10 years time.

After Christmas is a good time to be thinking of what you want for yourself and dd xx

One more thing I forgot, you can only change yourself, you cannot change who he is. He is the only one who can CHOOSE to do that. xx

Thank you everyone and one room left your post is very close to how I feel and have thought. It's so hard though to think about breaking up the family, splitting custody, splitting finances etc etc etc. He'd be an awful ex too. He is s good husband in so many ways-massively conscientious with work, earns a great living for us all which goes towards us all, he would never cheat, does go out late or watch porn. Is completely responsible. Focused his life around the family. Is clever and capable. I just wish he could sort out this controlling tendency that is worse when he is stressed.