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AIBU?

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When will you be back? AIBU?

153 replies

Asuitablemum · 06/12/2016 08:11

I have three Christmas nights out this week. It is usual that I am out no nights a week, sometimes one. Being Christmas it is unusually high this week. One with work, one with school and one with friends that he is choosing not to attend. So we just had a row on the phone because I wouldn't specify my return time. I haven't looked up the exact train route back yet, I don't know how long service will take, how many courses etc. Apparently this is massively unreasonable and disorganised. I should have already planned all that. He is making out that my nights out are massively inconveniencing him which they really aren't. It means he has to do bedtime. That is all. He is worried that our toddler is going to wake up and need to be resettled before I return. This is very unlikely to happen. But obviously can't guarantee anything. In the end I said between 9.30 and 11.30. Apparently giving a 2 hour slot was 'just completely offensive'. Aibu, should I just have said about 11?

OP posts:
Minivaperviper · 07/12/2016 21:12

If he's good in other areas op thereally may be hope to nip his behavior in the bid by not standing for it.

Don't engage with his huffs and don't pander or try to appease him,
I have a night out, don't know when I'll be back maybe before 11.30 then nothing more needs be said, don't engage.

Eventually he will get a clue that he can't stop you with Controlling moods.

Personally I don't have the temperament for that after years of living with it myself I sooner fly off the handle when dps have tried to or appear to try control me.

Glad to hear you had a good nightFlowers

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 08/12/2016 20:47

That's why I'd leave it, it takes time to get your head around the massive life change of breaking up, its not impossible. Its a challenge that you can overcome with support and understanding from others.

My ex, brilliant with money, worked hard, wouldn't cheat, one night out a fortnight (but would override my nights out on the inbetween weeks), he admitted he had a problem with being controlling. He used to tell me how intelligent he was (frequently) but since splitting I have found that I'm the sharpest knife in the drawer after all.

But all that, did not make up for the fact we were not a match. And even though he was 'good' with our eldest child (calm, full of praise etc) he didn't actually involve himself in family life. He didn't want both children together (too stressful) didn't want to go on family days out (stressful), holidays (stressful), wanted them in bed by 7pm exactly even though eldest was easily able to stay up later, he felt his evening break was more important than her sitting awake unable to sleep for an hour or more. He just was not a part of the family unit, it was like he circled like a satellite outside of it. He also got threatening at the end and I having mentally prepared myself for the break up, got finances sorted and in place we (eventually) separated. He has been a dreadful ex, I didn't think he would be as bad as he has been. But never for one moment do I doubt I have done the right thing for myself and the children. His behaviour since has spelled out just what a person he is and has done nothing but put himself and his needs over and above the children's. We are better off with a big space between us and him.

But its a big step to take and you need to be sure in your own mind before you make a decision. Try to make it work for your own peace of mind. Set down boundaries. Say what you want or need. In my case my ex compromised (actually I think he was bloody furious inside, but as he had become aware that he could lose the house if he split with me he 'did as he was told'...I just asked nicely for him to wash the dishes...) and he tried for a few months (flowers from the garage slammed down on table, on schedule, once a week, his idea...) then he caved and started becoming his usual moody self...like a miserable grey cloud wandering around the house...it became obvious things could not continue as they were. Turns out he didn't like me being assertive and expecting him to treat me as an equal. He preferred a doormat who did as they were told. He still blames me for the break up...and tells the children he 'tried everything'

Asuitablemum · 09/12/2016 11:46

Thanks for the help and advice. I really appreciate it. I need to work on the marriage but prioritise myself at this stage I think. It's awful but I wish I'd chosen better sometimes. The benefit of hindsight, before him I had no knowledge about this type of man. I thought everyone was just kind and rational most of the time!

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