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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

310 replies

Whatallama · 05/12/2016 09:21

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

OP posts:
Yura · 05/12/2016 21:30

add on: physically 3 hours drive and a party would have been perfectly ok for me before birth, even at 40weeks. but 3 hours drive in severe pain with a constantly screaming baby needing feeding and changes very frequently afterwards.....

GravyAndShite · 05/12/2016 22:11

my husband will do all the sorting. I'll just be sat there, like a giant whale.

Hmm
Original poster
Whatallama · 05/12/2016 23:31

Gravy what's so Hmm about that?

OP posts:
MrsMillions · 06/12/2016 07:38

Pizzas I agree about it being perfectly possible to be close to non-immediate family, but it's not always consistent is it. We're very close to my DM's family and FIL's sister, much less so MIL's family although she herself is. If baby aside OP's DH isn't bothered about attending (and I don't think we know that either way, was just posing it as a suggestion) it seems a bit daft to do so in these circumstances.

nicelyneurotic · 06/12/2016 08:06

Both my babies came a bit early but no way would I have been able to do that journey. I found sitting in the car very painful even for short journeys from 7 months and needed a wee every 15 minutes or so! Plus I was exhausted. Seeing as your OH isn't keen I'd decline. You also might struggle to find something nice to wear and with shoes too.

WouldHave · 06/12/2016 08:14

I do think people are being a tad over dramatic though about it being a 'risk' to both of us. If the baby needs NICU, its better off born where the wedding is

But it wouldn't necessarily be there, would it? It could be anywhere on the way to or from the venue. Have you checked out every NICU along the route?

budapestwithkids · 06/12/2016 08:23

It's not the wedding that's the problem, it's the journey and potential of you and/or baby being hospitalised 3 hours from home.

We got stuck in a traffic jam when I was 39 weeks pregnant for an hour. I still remember how awful it was to be stuck in the passenger seat. Don't underestimate it. And I was fit as a fiddle, had flown a couple of weeks earlier, was still running around etc, but being stuck in one position in a car at that stage is no joke.

I would only even consider this if it was my sister's wedding. For anyone else you politely decline and send a nice gift.

flowery · 06/12/2016 08:45

My PIL live a distance away which normally takes 3 hours. First time we went with DS1 it took 6 hours. Feeding a new baby can easily take an hour in itself, and they're rarely not always predictable about when they want feeding. Combine that with not having them in the car seat for too long and with pooey nappies and the odd vomiting/crying incident and your 3 hour journey becomes 6 hours easily.

Only1scoop · 06/12/2016 08:54

Ugh I couldn't stand all the polite 'having the baby at the service' type jokes you'd be bound to get.

You seem to be seeing it as a kind of challenge, for a close friend or relative I probably wouldn't....for a not so close distant one of DH....no chance.

randomsabreuse · 06/12/2016 11:26

I wouldn't but my first was born at 37.4 and was very quick other than the pushing stage. I did go to a friend's 30th (3 hours away) about 35 weeks and we took everything. However this was just in their house so they wouldn't have to pay extra for us.

Unfamiliar hospital wouldn't be an issue but very last minute cancellation would be for a wedding. However if the bride and groom have flexible options and if the baby is not even engaged and there's no real sign of action it might be possible.

3 hr plus car journey with a newborn isn't easy - have to stop at least every 2 hours and they will be likely to poo/feed lots. Sitting for that length of time is quite likely to be uncomfortable for you as well.

I was very disappointed when my DH suggested that attending a county show at 37 weeks exactly was a bad plan given that the network falls and traffic is dire, given we'd had a false alarm of me going into labour earlier that week (Branston Hicks). Probably he was right!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 06/12/2016 11:39

Life doesn't stop because you're having a baby.

No. But it could. You could. You have the opportunity to completely slow down your life and really enjoy your newborn. How bloody marvellous that would be.

You never get this chance again. Next time you'll be chasing a toddler.

A baby is not an interruption to be minimised. A baby is life-changing. Better to enjoy the change than to deny it.

motherinferior · 06/12/2016 11:42

I wouldn't call newborns enjoyable, but they do change things, yes.

Craigie · 06/12/2016 17:29

It is entirely doable. The fact it's your due date is neither here nor there. Most women go over their due date. Only thing is you probably won't want to go by the time you're full term coz you just won't be arsed and won't find anything you want to wear anyway. I'd probably decline.

Daydream007 · 06/12/2016 17:32

Need to be close to your chosen place of birth near the due date. 3 hours is too far.

awesomeness · 06/12/2016 17:43

personally i would risk it myself, i just wouldn't feel comfortable

awesomeness · 06/12/2016 17:44

*wouldnt

stupid fat fingers

motherinferior · 06/12/2016 17:51

Er...the fact it is around the estimated day of delivery is quite highly relevant. I can't find the exact stats at the moment but the majority of babies in the UK are born either side of their due date and a decent proportion of those are 'early'. I've never got to my due date and I'm not unusual.

Mumtotwobs · 06/12/2016 17:51

Would love to know the outcome of this if OP does decide to attend and also an update after the baby arrives!

Only comment I'd make on this is that is a whole different story watching your dear friends who have children because a lot can put on a brave face, especially for people who don't yet have kids! I breezed through both my pregnancies and didn't suffer too badly after and found motherhood relatively easy but I have still struggled and have had bad days. It's hard to admit it's a struggle after you've made the whole "I refuse to let a baby change my life" announcement when so many people are watching you and waiting for you to fail!

However, there was not a chance I'd be considering attending anywhere so close to my due date, even with hindsight!

Good luck with your decision OP and I hope you aren't too shell shocked when you find out just how much a baby will impact your life - even with best laid plans and all!

Happylotti · 06/12/2016 18:05

I went to a wedding on my due date with my 1st!!!! My mum was very late when she had me and late with my brother too! I wouldnt have gone if i'd started feeling funny but i felt fine so we went! It was about 2 hours away! As long as you've got your notes i'd say go for it! And as long as the family members in question know that you may not come if things happen and their happy to pay for the extra cost if you dont come which im sure they will be happy with!

Just remember its your body! You know what you want! Also i know cleché but your pregant not ill! Unless you have other things going on along side your pregnancy 😊

altiara · 06/12/2016 18:09

The main thing is you don't know how you will feel or what will happen
-if the baby will be early
-if the baby will be late
-if you will hate the idea of travelling for 3 hours when 9 months pregnant (actually this is 100% yes)
-if you will have any medical problems
-if baby will have any medical problems
Etc etc
So you should just say no, that's life. It's just one wedding and it's 3 hours away.

DH and I didn't go to his cousin's wedding a few days before my due date (DD was late but still the right decision)- could've done evening if it was local.
My friend said she'd definitely definitely come to my wedding and instead gave birth the day before!

jsmith17 · 06/12/2016 18:15

I was due with my first on 22nd December. We booked a holiday to be away for the week over Christmas at a large cottage with all of my family. Mum, stepdad, brother, step sisters and kids. We decided not to go because of my due date. We decided not to go but on 24th December 2 days overdue I was so fed up we drove the 2 hours to spend Xmas day with my family. Drove back Boxing Day and was induced the next day. I took all my notes and checked out local hospitals. All was fine. With my second I went to a friends wedding when he was less than 48 hours old. It can be done but I probably would only have made he effort for close family or very close friends. You have to do what is right for you.

HeyPesto55 · 06/12/2016 18:19

FWIW, OP, I also attended my best friend's wedding on my due date (no. 2) because I didn't want to miss it for the world, I was bridesmaid and she was really lovely, flexible and non-zilla.

I weighed up the risks and it seemed doable to me - in the same way you have. This is a personal feeling though, no one can tell you how to behave IMO. I was very uncomfortable lounging around anywhere though so thought I may as well be active at a nice day with friends. It was the right decision for me. No regrets.

2 other things to consider though: the outfit was a nightmare as I was huge 2nd time. You may not have this problem tho Wink

Secondly, it makes other people uncomfortable, it will spread like wild fire round the reception and you will get comments (this thread proves this)! I just laughed it off but a sensitive soul may have been a bit miffed... hope that helps.

Good luck with whatever you decide and the pregnancy in general.

pollymere · 06/12/2016 18:19

I did a wedding a couple of weeks before mine. Close family. It was tough finding dress, shoes etc and I spent most of it sat down. The drive was Ok. We stayed overnight to make it easier. I did worry I might go into labour and someone did barge into me. By the time I was due though I could barely walk anywhere. If you think you might go overdue it may be worth the risk. It's doable if you stay overnight and take it easy but it probably won't be too much fun.

Kika2901 · 06/12/2016 18:27

Don't do it. Even if it's a local wedding it's a gamble, if it was even a couple of weeks before your due date it would be different but your due date means there is a high chance you would either have a new born or showing signs of going into labour. I went into labour on my due date with my first and it was another 4 days before she was born. On the other side of the coin it is not fair to accept a wedding invite knowing that it's highly unlikely you won't be able to go and not only that but if you do pull out it will be at extremely short notice. Having got married myself, it's not about the money and I would never DREAM of asking you to cough up if you had the baby early (whoever suggested that) it is about having to make some tough choices about who to invite and they could have another couple who they were unable to extend an invite to who would be delighted to go but won't be able to at such short notice!
It's a nice gesture that you are so keen but madness considering its your due date and a 6 hour round trip.

Memoires · 06/12/2016 18:29

Go!!!

We went to see the solar eclipse when dd was due. I said I'd rather have her in a tent in a field than at our (then) local hospital. We were therefore 300 miles away from home, for a week in a tent. When we arrived, we went to the local hospital and showed them my notes (we had phoned them about a month before and they'd said it was fine, people were always coming down on holiday and having babies there.....). About 12 hours after the eclipse - which we watched from the top of a valley in a farmer's field - I went into labour and dd was born.

Then we had a nightmare drive home with a 1-day old. The traffic was unbelievable and what was normally a 3 hr drive took over 9 hours. That's unlikely to happen to you.